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A 

POETICAL  PETITION 

5fc. 


Printed  by  Southwick  and  Hardcastle, 

No.  2,  Wall- Street. 


TERRIBLE  TRACTORATION ! ! 

A 

POETICAL  PETITION 

AGAINST 

GALVANISING  TRUMPERY, 

AND  THE 

PERKINISTIC  INSTITUTION. 

IN  FOUR  CANTOS. 

MOST  RESPECTFULLY  ADDRESSED  TO 

THE  ROYAL  COLLEGE  OF  PHYSICIANS, 

BY 

CHRISTOPHER  CAUSTIC, 

M.D.LL.D.  ASS. 

FELLOW    OF   THE   ROYAL  COLLEGE  OF  PHYSICIANS, 

ABERDEEN,    AND    HONORARY   MEMBER    OF 

NO  LESS   THAN   NINETEEN   VERY 

LEARNED    SOCIETIES. 

,       .- 


FIRST  AMERICAN, 

FROM   THE   SECOND  LONDON   EDITION, 

REVISED  JXD  CORRECTED  BT    fHE  AUTHOR^    Wl?ll 

ADDITIONAL  NOfES. 


NEW-YORK: 

PRINTED  FOR  SAMUEL  STANSBURY, 
114  WATER-STREET. 


1804. 


. 


PREFACE 

OF  TH£  PUBLISHER, 
TO  THE  AMERICAN  EDITION. 


IN  laying  the  present  volume  before  Americans 
the  Publisher  deems  it  necessary  to  offer  but  one 
motive,  ITS  SUPERLATIVE  MERIT.  As  a  work 
of  science,  literature,  wit,  humour  and  satire,  he 
has  the  authority  of  the  first  critics  that  it  stands 
unrivalled  among  the  productions  of  the  present 
age. 

However  sufficient  such  a  motive  may  be  re 
garded  for  the  exertions  he  has  made  in  expe 
diting  the  labours  of  the  Printer,  and  the  expence 
he  has  incurred  in  the  embellishments  of  the 
Engraver,  it  will  be  readily  imagined  with  how 
much  more  zeal  the  task  was  undertaken,  when 
he  found  that  he  was  likely  to  have  the  gratifica 
tion  of  being  the  first  to  announce  the  very  cele 
brated,  but  hitherto  unknown,  "  CHRISTOPHER 
CAUSTIC"  to  be  an  American,  a  citizen  of  Ver 
mont. 

A  few  circumstances  connected  with  his  his 
tory,  which  have  come  to  the  publisher's  know 
ledge,  he  should  deem  an  act  of  injustice  to  genius 
to  withhold  from  the  public. 

The  gentleman  to  whom  the  world  is  indebted 
for  this  performance  is  THOMAS  GREEN  FESSEN. 
DEN,  the  son  of  a  respectable  clergyman,  of  Wul- 


VI 


pole,  New-Hampshire.  In  the  year  1796,  our 
author  graduated  at  Dartmouth  College,  and  soon 
after  moved  to  Rutland  in  Vermont,  where  he 
commenced  the  study  of  the  law  with  a  gentle 
man*  of  eminence  in  that  profession,  and  with 
whom,  if  we  are  not  misinformed,  he  was  after 
wards  connected  in  business. 

During  this  period,  as  well  as  during  his  resi 
dence  at  College,  the  Eagle,  a  newspaper  of  Dart 
mouth,  and  the  Partner's  Weekly  Musjum,  a  well 
known  classic  paper  of  Walpole,  were  often  enli 
vened  by  his  sprightly  muse.  His  extreme  diffi 
dence  produced  almost  a  religious  scruple  against 
allowing  his  name  to  be  attached  to  any  of  his 
pieces.  To  this  cause  must  be  attributed  the  cir 
cumstance  of  its  not  being  generally  known  to 
what  Bard  the  public  has  been  indebted  for  seve 
ral  patriotic  songs,  and  other  very  humourous 
pieces  of  his  composition,  which  have  had  a  ge 
neral  circulation  and  admiration  through  our  coun-i 
try. 

In  the  year  1801,  Mr.  FES  SEN  DEN  was  induced 
to  embark  for  London,  chiefly  with  a  view  of  in 
troducing  an  hydraulic  machine,  which,  by  sev 
eral  of  his  best  friends,  who  became  sharers  in 
the  enterprize,  was  regarded  as  a  very  import 
ant  invention.  He  found,  however,  to  his  great 
mortification,  on  his  arrival  in  London,  that  his 
&  ** 

*  NATHANIEL  CHIPMAN,  Esq.  who,  besides  great  accom 
plishments  as  a  lawyer,  is  eminently  distinguished  for  superior 
atta.inm.ent3  in  the  higher  \valk  s  of  both  silence  and  literature. 


Vll 


machine  was  already  common  there,  and  of 
consequence,  every  prospect  of  emolument  from, 
that  source  vanished.  Ambitious  not  to  return  to 
his  native  country  with  the  disgrace  of  a  defeat, 
he  gave  ear  to  a  project  set  on  foot  by  one  of 
our  countrymen,  then  in  London,  of  construct 
ing  a  mill  to  be  carried  by  the  water  of  the 
Thames.  Several  men  of  rank  and  influence, 
among  whom  was  the  then  Lord  Mayor  of  Lon 
don,  SIR  WILLIAM  STAINES,  being  patrons  of 
the  undertaking  and  other  circumstances  holding 
out  a  reasonable  prospect  of  great  success,  Mr. 
FESSENDEN  ventured  on  a  purchase  of  one  fifth 
of  the  concern.  The  protection  of  the  great,  as 
is  not  unusual  on  such  occasions,  not  being  con 
tinued  long  enough  to  give  the  mill  a  fair  expe 
riment,  and  our  author  being  the  only  man  in  the 
concern  possessed  of  talent  as  well  as  character 
sufficient  to  take  the  management  of  the  establish 
ment,  the  burden  of  the  whole  necessarily  devolv 
ed  on  him ;  and  we  understand  there  is  reason  tQ 
apprehend  that  his  great  exertions  have  hitherto 
been  but  ill  requited.  It  is  here  that  the  trans- 
cendant  energies  of  his  mind  become  most  appa 
rent.  Amid  the  vexatious  embarrassments  and 
distracting  cares  with  which  this  engagement 
constantly  harrassed  him,  he  undertook,  and, 
within  the  term  of  four  weeks,  a  part  of  which 
was  under  the  influence  of  severe  sickness,  which 
confined  him  to  his  bed,  executed  the  first  edi 
tion  of  the  admirable  work  before  us  ! ! 


Another  circumstance,  which  we  are  competent 
also  to  state,  still  further  enhances  his  talents? 
and  will  increase  the  astonishment  of  the  reader. 
Previous  to  his  entering  on  the  composition  of 
this  Poem,  which  was  in  February  1803,  he  had 
been,  during  his  residence  in  England,  through  , 
his  laborious  and  unwearied  application  to  the  in 
terests  of  the  mill,  almost  a  stranger  to  books, 
and  unknown  to  men  of  letters.  His  society,  ne 
cessarily  consisting  of  persons  interested  in  the 
concern,  happened  unfortunately  to  be  a  class  of 
illiterate  men,  who  disgraced  the  name  of  me 
chanics  and  tradesmen,  and  who,  to  use  his  own 
expression,  were  guilty  of  every  thing  but  com 
mon  sense  and  common  honesty.  This  circum 
stance,  it  may  well  be  conceived,  was  little  con 
genial  to  a  mind  of  such  integrity  as  we*  are 
assured  distinguishes  his  own,  and  to  the  feel 
ings  of  so  fixed  a  foe  to  vice  of  every  species,  as 
is  apparent  in  every  page  of  this  poem.  Indeed 
this  volume,  as  was  said  of  a  much  larger  one 
on  another  occasion,  "  was  written,  not  in.  the 
soft  obscurities  of  retirement,  or  under  the  shades 
of  academic  bowers,  but  amidst  inconvenience  and 
distraction,  in  sickness  and  in  sorrow."  Like 
poor  BLOOMFIELD,  who  often  laid  down  the  awl 
to  record  the  deeds  of  his  FARMER'S  BOY,  FES- 
SENDEN  often  laid  aside  the  broad-ax€  and  the 
chissel  to  indjte  the  feats  of  his  CAUSTIC. 


IX 


Before  taking  leave  of  Mr.  FESSENDE^S  in 
teresting  history,  we  should  just  state  that  the 
flattering  reception  of  this  performance,  among 
men  of  letters  in'  Errgland,  emboldened  him  to 
comply  with  the  advice  of  a  friend,  (the  only  per 
son  indeed,  in  England,  who  k^ew  him  to  be  the 
^Author  of  the  book)  to  commit  to  press  a  volume 
of  original  Poems.  The  merits  of"  TERRIBLE 
TRACTORATION"  having  called  forth  the  high  en 
comiums  of  Mr.  GIFFORD,  the  very  celebrated  Au 
thor  of  the  "  Baviad  and  Merviad,"  the  "  Trans 
lator  of  Juvenal,"  &c.  the  friend  above  adverted  to 
introduced  them  to  each  other,  which  has  pro 
duced  for  Mr.  FESSENDEN  a  very  intimate  and 
•useful  acquaintance.  The  volume  of  "  ORIGINAL 
POE&S"  are  by  this  period  probably  out  of  the 
Pi-ess,  and  we  shall  venture  to  express  our  con 
viction  that  we  shall  find  them,  on  the  arrival  of  a 
copy  in  this  country,  of  sufficient  merit  to  induce 
us  to  lay  them  also  soon  before  the  American 
public.  To  that  work  his  name  will  be  attached 
as  the >author  of  "  TERRIBLE  TRACTORATION,'* 
and  necessarily  make  him  known  to  the  inhabi 
tants  of  Great  Britain.  It  was  this  circumstance 
which  the  publisher  conceived  would  warrant  him 
in  the  liberty  he  has  taken  to  announce  Mr.  FES- 
SENDEN  in  America,  as  the  author  of  ttoe  work  be 
fore  us,  which  he  has  hitherto  appeared  solicitous 
to  conceal. 

The  METALLIC  TRACTORS,  which,  from  the 
Title  Page,  one  might  be  led  to  suppose?  consti- 


X 

tilted  the  entire  subject  of  the  present  work,  will 
be  found,  in  reality,  not  to  be  the  prime  object  of 
the  Poet.  Mr.  FESSENDEN  seems  to  have  con 
ceived  that,  while  dwelling  on  the  treatment  PKR- 
KINISM  had  received  from  a  few  characters  of 
rather  illiberal  propensities,  there  was  presented 
a  good  opportunity  to  extend  his  wings  and  oc 
casionally  perch  on 


Every  idle  thing 


"  Which  Fancy  finds  in  her  excursive  flights." 

In  these  flights  he  finds  instances,  where  the 
man  who  discovers  an  extra  joint  in  the  tail  of  a 
tadpole,  is  immortalized  by  many  popular  wri 
ters  for  the  discovery,  whilst,  by  the  same  class 
of  writers,  other  men  who  give  relief  to  thousands 
on  the  bed  of  sickness  are  represented  as  empi 
rics,  and  unworthy  of  countenance  and  protection. 

But  without  expatiating  on  the  merits  of  the 
Poem,  which,  in  the  Publisher,  would  be  indeco 
rous  and  unnecessary,  he  may  perhaps  be  per 
mitted  just  to  state,  that  it  has  been  ascribed,  by 
various  critics  in  England,  to  the  pens  of  Mr. 
GIFFORD,  Dr.  WALCOT,  (alias  PETER  PINDAR), 
Mr*  HUDDERSFORD,  &c  ;  but,  to  the  great  honor  of 
American  genius,  and  to  that  Bard  in  particular, 
who  never  before  was  beyond  the  atmosphere  of 
the  Green  Mountain's,  it  was  generally  remarked, 
that  the  writings  of  neither  of  those  three  gentle 
men  had  evinced  so  much  science  as  this  author 
displays. 


The  comments  of  the  English  Reviewers,  which 
it  has  been  thought  proper  to  subjoin,  will  best 
enable  the  reader  to  judge 'of  its  reception  among 
professional  critics. 

How  far  the  present  American  Edition  may 
claim  a  preference  to  that  of  London,  will  be  ima 
gined  from  the  statement,  that  it  is  printed  from 
a  copy,  which  the  Publisher  was  so  fortunate  as 
to  procure,  of  the  last  London  Edition,  corrected 
and  -very  considerably  improved  by  the  Author ;  and 
that  it  possesses  the  advantage  of  several  addi 
tional  NOTES,  introduced  at  the  end  of  the  book, 
to  explain  many  allusions,  which,  from  their  lo 
cality,  would  have  otherwise  been  unintelligible  in 
this  country.  The  three  first  engravings,  it  will 
be  seen,  are  also  added  to  embellish  this  Ameri 
can  Edition. 

EXTRACTS  FROM  THE  REVIEWS. 

"  In  the  first  Canto,  the  author,  in  an  inimitable  strain  of 
irony,  ridicules  those  pretended  discoveries  and  inventions  of 
certain  pseudo-philosophers,  both  of  the  natural  and  moral  class, 
which  have  no  tendency  to  meliorate  the  condition  of  man" — 
after  many  extracts  from  the  work  and  similar  encomiums  on 
each  of  the  four  Cantos,  the  Reviewers  conclude — "  Whatever 
may  be  the  merits  of  the  Metallic  Tractors  or  the  demerits  of 
their  opponents,  we  have  no  hesitation  to  pronounce  this  per- 
formance  to  be  far  superior  to  the  ephemeral  productions  of  or- 
•dinary  dealers  in  rhyme.  The  notes,  which  constitute  more 
than  half  of  the  book,  are  not  behind  the  verse  in  spirit.  Who 
the  author  can  be,  we  have  not  the  least  conception  ;  but  from 
the  intimate  acquaintance  he  discovers  with  the  different  branch 
es  of  medical  science,  we  should  imagine  him  to  be  some  jolly 
son  of  Galen,  who,  not  choosing  to  bestow  all  his  art  upon  his 
PATIENTS  has  humanely  applied  a  few  ESCAROTICS  for  the  be 
nefit  of  his  BRETHREN 

Uc<2  ictna?i'is  Magazine  for  January,    1804. 


**? 

Xll 


«  The  author  deals  his  blows  around  with  such  causticity, 
sparing  neither  friend  nor  foe,  from  the  "  indelible  ink"  of  Dr. 
l.cttsome,  and  the  kindred  "jangle  of  Matilda's  lyre,"  to  Dr. 
Darwin,  tracing  organized  molecules  from  slaughtered  armies 
to  tribes  of  insects,  and  thence  again  to  nobler  animals,  through 
:>*  the  profoundest  parts  of  the  bathos,  and  the  sublimest  of  the 
hypsos,  that  his  real  object  cannot  be  always  ascertained.  We 
think  him,  however,  the  friend  to  the  Tractors.  His  knowledge 
seems  to  be  extensive;  and  he  is  by  no  means  sparing  of  his 
communications.  His  descriptions  are  animated  and  poetical  " 

After  these  remarks,  which  appeared  on  the  first  edition,  in 
their  number  for  November,  1 803,  the  Reviewers  proceed  upon 
the  present  one. 

"  In  the  second  edition  of  this  work,  the  object  of  the  author 
{••>  more  conspicuous :  indeed  it  blazes  with  a  lustre  that  leaves 
not  the  smallest  foundation  for  doubt ;  and,  not  confining  him 
self  to  the  Tractors,  he  aims  his  blows  at  many  absurdities  in 
the  philosophy  of  medicine.  Such  in  fact  there  are ;  and  ridi 
cule  is  perhaps  the  only  weapon  with  which  they  can  be  at 
tacked.  Our  author  applies  his  flagellation  with  no  sparing  hand."  « 
Critical  Re-view  for  January,  1804. 

"  These  four  Cantos  of  Hudibrastic  Verse  and  the  copious 
Notes  contain  much  pointed  satire  and  sarcastic  animadversion, 
in  the  form  and  guise  of  ironical  compliment,  on  the  medical 
opposers  of  the  Metallic  Tractors."  After  a  quotation  from 
the  work,  they  continue — "  The  attack  on  some  of  the  cruel 
and  indecent  experiments  of  certain  modern  naturalists,  which 
seem  limited  to  the  gratification  of  licentious  curiosity,  having 
for  their  object  the  attainment  of  no  one  possible  practical  good, 
is  just  and  commendable  :  and  indeed,  the  author  has  not 
merely  rhyme,  but  very  frequently  reason  also  on  his  side,  in 
his  satirical  reflections  * 

sluti- Jacobin  Review  for  Jjiril,   1803. 

"  These  Hudibrastic  lines  have  afforded  us  amusement.  It 
is  not  too  much  to  say,  that  the  author  is  a  legitimate  branch  of 
the  Hudibras  family,  and  possesses  a  vein  of  humour  which  will 
not  be  easily  exhausted." 

Literary  Review  for  September,   1803. 

In  the  last  number  of  the  PoRf  FOLIO,  the  following 

•-'  is  taken  nf  this   Work. 

«  TI:RKIEI.F,  T:MCTORATION,"&C  a  highly  humourous  Poem, 
by  T.  G.  Fessenden,  Esq.  will  be  noticed  as  soon  as  possi 
ble  •  we  shall  also  add  some  particulars  relating  to  the  witty" 
author,  whom  the  editor  long  since  cherished  as  a  COMPANION, 
and  admired  as  a  Man  of  Letters." 


INTRODUCTION 

TO    THE 

LONDON  EDITION. 


THE  demand  for  a  second  edition  of  CAUSTIC'S 
PETITION,  within  the  short  period  of  two  months 
from  the  publication  of  the  first,  has  excited  so 
much  vanity  in  the  author  as  to  induce  him  to  be 
lieve  that  his  efforts  have  not  been  altogether  un 
acceptable,  and  to  hope  that  his  objects  may  ulti 
mately  prove  not  to  have  been  altogether  unac 
complished.  With  such  a  reward  for  former  ex 
ertions,  and  such  an  incitement  for  future,  it  will 
be  thought  natural  in  him  to  have  used  his  en 
deavour  for  a  continuance  of  public  favour. 

The  present  edition,  which  contains  more  than 
double  the  quantity  of  matter  that  composed  the 
last,  will  plead  th^  virtue  of  industry,  even  should 
the  merit  of  the  new  matter  not  justly  lay  claim 
to  that  indulgence  with  which  the  former  was  ho 
noured. 

Besides  enlargement,  this  edition  will  be  found, 
especially  in  the  first  Canto,  to  be  materially 
altered. 

The  aim  of  the  alterations  has  been  to  avoid) 
as  much  as  the  subjects  necessarily  enlarged  upon 
would  admit,  every  sentiment  and  expression} 


XIV 


which  would  offend  the  heart  of  innocence,  or  the 
eye  of  delicacy.  Addressed,  as  the  poem  origi 
nally  was,  to  professional  men,  there  was,  perhaps, 
little  cause  to  complain  of  too  great  a  licence  in 
this  particular.  The  circulation  of  the  work  prov 
ing,  however,  to  be  by  no  means  confined  to  the 
medical  profession,  and  promising  to  be  still  less 
so  in  future,  it  has  been  the  author's  study  to  sa 
vour  this  to  the  more  general  palate,  as  well  as  to 
enlarge  the  scope  of  its  objects. 

Of  one,  among  other  advantages,  which  may 
generally  be  derived  for  the  improvement  of  se 
cond  editions,  viz.  the  criticisms  of  monthly  jour 
nals,  the  author  is  in  a  great  measure  deprived. 
Two  only  (the  Antijacobin  and  Monthly  Register) 
have  yet  committed  the  deeds  of  Dr.  Caustic  to 
the  test  of  their  tremendous  ordeal. 

The  sweet  drops  of  their  approbation,  which, 
in  their  great  clemency,  they  have  allowed  him 
to  taste,  instead  of  the  bitter  pill,  which  the  trem 
bling  poet  feared  might  have  been  his  dose,  in 
culcates  a  hope  of  a  survival  of  the  affray,  without 
a  broken  heart  through  his  own  chagrin,  however 
great  his  danger  of  a  broken  head  through  the  cha 
grin  of  others. 

Thus  far  I  had  proceeded  in  remarks,  which 
are  applicable  to  this  second  edition  only,  and  he 
sitated  some  time,  before  I  resolved  on  the  expe 
dience  of  pursuing  my  observations,  and  offering 
something  like  an  explanation  of  the  motives, 
which  led  to  the  present  publication.  This  delay 


XV 


has  enabled  me  to  mention  a  third  review  of  the 
first  edition  (by  the  British  Critic}.  Like  the/or/ner 
twu  it  has  indulged  Dr.  Caustic  with  encomiums  on 
his  <  ingenious  burlesque,'  his  '  humorous  notes,* 
his  c  happy  ludicrous  compounded  rhymes,  and 
'  many  other  qualities  to  insure  no  trifling  success 
'  in  doggrel  verse,'  &c.  but,  like  itself^  it  has  Ao- 
noured  Mr.  Perkins  with  a  torrent  of  abuse  and 
malicious  falsehood. 

To  have  hoped,  by  any  thing  that  might  be  said 
in  this  Introduction,  to  alter  the  conduct  of  those, 
against  whom  the  animadversions  contained  in  the 
Poem  are  directed,  would  be  vain.  Others,  how 
ever,  who  seek  after  truth  with  more  disinterest 
edness,  and  with  whom  truth,  when  known,  may 
be  subservient  to  some  good  effect,  may  have 
their  inquiries  facilitated  by  a  simple  detail  of  a 
few  plain  facts. 

The  discovery  of  Perkinism,  and  the  ascertain 
ment  of  its  utility  in  the  cure  of  diseases,  have 
been  objects  of  the  authors  most  critical  and  cau 
tious  i  investigation.  This  investigation,  terminat 
ing  in  a  conviction  of  its  great  importance  to  man 
kind,  and  its  high  claims  to  a  rank  among  the 
choicest  blessings  to  humanity,  has  placed  him 
on  the  alert  to  watch  its  progress,  and  to  feel  an 
anxiety  for  its  success.  He  has  of  consequence 
been  roused  at  the  disgraceful  attempts  made  by 
the  combined  energies  of  prejudice  and  self-inte 
rest  to  prevent  the  use,  nay,  even  the  (rial,  of  the 
efficacy  of  the  Metallic  Tractors. 


XVI 


Opposition,  honourable  in  its  views,  and  fair  in 
its  means,  to  discoveries  of  great  pretensions,  is 
not  only  commendable,  but  almost  indispensably- 
necessary  to  the  developemcnt  of  truth.  Such 
opposition,  like  friction  to  the  diamond,  proves  its 
hardness  and  increases  its  lustre.  But  when,  us 
in  the  present  instance,  every  avenue  to  truth  is 
defended  by  scorpions,  who  endeavour  to  frighten 
you  back  by  their  hisses,  or  assail  you  with  their 
stings,  it  cannot  be  unjustifiable  to  attempt  to  clear 
the  passage  by  whipping  away  the  reptiles.  The 
author,  however,  would  not  presume  to  represent 
that  he  has  accomplished  this  task.  But,  if  he  has 
failed  in  his  attempt,  he  is  not  yet  discouraged. 
They  have  thrown  the  gauntlet  in  an  untenable 
cause,  and,  as  his  quiver  is  yet  full  of  arrows,  he 
will  be  justified  in  shooting  folly,  malice,  and  ig 
norance,  whenever  they  appear  in  any  guise  to 
combine  against  this  important  discovery. 

The  writer  would,  however,  caution  against  any 
supposition  that  the  whole  medical  profession, 
many  of  whom  are  stars  of  prime  magnitude  in 
the  hemisphere  of  science,  are  enemies  to  Perkin- 
ism,  or  would  make  use  of  any  unjustifiable  means 
to  oppose  an  improvement  in  the  art  of  healing. 
.-Indeed  no  person  can  hold  the  more  honourable 
part  of  the  profession  in  higher  estimation  than 
the  author  of  the  following  Poem. 

A  concise  sketch  of  the  history  of  Perkinism, 
sirTce  its  first  introduction  into  this  island,  will 
render  evident  what  has  been  the  nature  of  the 


XV11 

opposition  to  the  Metallic  Practice,  inasmuch  as  it 
will  show  that  it  resolves  itself  into  two  heads,  viz* 
Ridicule  and  Malicious  Falsthood.  These,  when 
called  into  action  even  by  men  of  moderate  talent) 
who  are  compelled  by  interest  to  extraordinary  ex 
ertion,  are  no  impotent  engines,  employed  against 
the  weak,  however  inefficient  they  may  prove  with 
men  of  penetration  and  independence. 

I  shall  proceed  to  the  proof  of  my  assertion  re 
lative  to  the  character  of  the  opposition  to  Perkin- 
ism.  I  shall  draw  my  facts  from  the  several  wri 
ters  own  acknowledgments  and  Mr.  Perkins's  an 
swers,  both  of  which  have  long  been  the  subject 
of  my  attentive  observation. 

At  the  head  of  that  part  of  the  opposition,  to 
be  classed  under  ridicule,  may  be  mentioned -cer 
tain  proceedings  in  the  Bath  and  Bristol  Infirma 
ries  ;  the  former  under  the  direction  of  DP.  Hay- 
garth,  a  physician  of  Bath ;  and  the  latter  conduct 
ed  by  Mr.  Smith,  a  surgeon  of  Bristol.  These 
have  been  the  grand  rallying  points  about  which 
every  minor  assailant  has  taken  his  stand.  But  it  is 
unnecessary  to  recapitulate  them  here,  as  they 
are  sufficiently  enlarged  upon  in  the  second  an'd 
third  cantos  of  the  following  Poem.  Before  quit 
ting  the  subject,  however,  I  would  briefly  mention, 
in  addition  10  what  is  there  stated,  that  Dr.  Hay- 
garth;  who  condemns  Perkinism  on  his  own  expe 
riments,  does  not  appear  to  have  ever  .used  the 
Tractors  a  second  time  on  a  patient,  and  Mr. 
Smith,  whose  virulent  observations  and'rifcrc- 
B  2 


xviii 

tic  manoeuvres  constitute  three  fourths  of  Dr.  Hay- 
garth's  evidence  against  the  Tractors,  admits,  be 
fore  he  closes  his  communication,  that  he  never 
tried  them.  This  last  Gentleman  candidly  acknow 
ledges  that  he  c  played  the  part  of  a  necromancer' 
in  his  ridiculous  pranks  in  ridicule  of  Perkinism. 

Next  in  order  comes  the  writer  of  the  article 
'  PERKINISM'  in  the  EncyclopadiaBritannica.  How 
far  I  am  justified  in  ranking  this  attack  under  the 
head  of  ridicule,  will  be  learnt  frora  the  remark  of 
the  writer  himself,  who  says,  '  to  treat  this  disco- 

*  very  with  seriousness  would  disgrace  the  profes- 

*  sion  of  a  scientific  critic.'     The  whole  attack  is 
accordingly  a  strain  of  ridicule,  invective,  misre 
presentation,  and  misquotation,  which,  in  the  opi 
nion  of  some,  has  not  much  honoured  the  profes 
sion  of  a  '  scientific  critic.'1     This  writer  copies? 
among  others,  the  attack  of  the  Monthly  Review, 
which  shall  next  claim  our  attention. 

None  has  enjoyed,  in  a  higher  degree  than  the 
author  of  this  Poem,  the  effusions  of  wit,  which 
sometimes  decorate  the  pages  of  the  Monthly  Re 
view  ;  but  still  he  regrets  that  a  journal,  which 
might  so  eminently  promote  the  cause  of  litera 
ture,  should  so  often  sacrifice  every  thing  to  a 
good  joke.  They  have  certainly  been  very  witty 
at  the  expence  of  the  Tractors,  and  I  have,  my 
self,  joined  in  the  laugh,  whenever  it  lias  appeared 
to  be  the  object  of  the  critics  to  utter  i\smart^  but 
not  a  malicious  thing.  But  I  apprehend  that  no 
honestly  disposed  person  has  derived  that  lasting 


XIX 


satisfaction  from  their  *  quips  and  cranks,'  which 
he  would  have  experienced  from  a  learned  and 
candid  investigation  of  the  merits  of  Perkiriism. 

In  their  last  attack  on  Mr.  Perkins,  alluding  to 
the  consequences  of  an  unlucky  kick,  they  advise 
him  to  avoid  the  use  of  the  Tractors  on  horses, 
and  wittily  suggest  the  propriety  of  his  confining 
their  application  to  bipeds,  and  among  others 
would  beg  to  recommend  ge esc  to  his  polite  atten 
tion.  But  whether  the  gentlemen  intend  to  offer 
(famselves,  or  some  other  bipeds  of  the  same  spe 
cies,  but  of  less  hissing  notoriety,  as  the  subject 
of  experiment,  they  have  not  informed  us. 

But  ridicule,  as  before  observed,  has  not  been 
the  only  weapon  with  which  Perkinism  has  been 
assailed.  Falsehoods,  BASE,  WILFUL,  and  MALI 
CIOUS,  have  been  propagated  with  the  like  benc~uo- 
lent  intention  of  extirpating  this  intrusive  practice. 
I  say  base,  wilful,  and  malicious,  because  they  carry 
with  them  the  marks  of  barbarous  design.  At 
the  head  of  this  list  should  be  named  a  masked 
writer,  who  has  found  access  to  the  pages  of  the 
British  Critic.  Surely  there  will  not  be  found 
many,  among  the  more  civilized  inhabitants  of  this 
kingdom,  who  will  approve  of  an  attempt  to  brand 
with  infamy  those  acts  in  a  PERKINS,  which  im 
mortalized  a  HOWARD.  But  such  has  been  the 
attempt  of  the  writer  in  question. 

Dr.  Elisha  Perkins,  the  inventor  of  the  Metal, 
lie  Tractors,  and  the  father  of  the  present  pro 
prietor,  it  is  known,  like  Howard,  sacrificed  his 


life  in  the  cause  of  humanity.  The  latter  ended 
his  days  with  a  malignant  fever  at  Cherson,  while 
visiting  the  sick  and  in  prison.  The  former  lost 
his  life  with  a  malignant  fever  lat  New-York,  caught 
whilst  engaged  in  the  benevolent  office  of  hunting 
out,  and  offering  medical  assistance  to  the  poor, 
in  their  dreary  and  distressed  habitations,  during 
the  rage  of  that  dreadful  scourge,  the  yellow  fe 
ver.  Both,  alike  left  the  calm  enjoyment  of  do 
mestic  ease  in  this  godlike  employment,  and  both 
equally  pursued  the  object  with  no  other  expec 
tation,  or  wish  for  reward,  than  the  consolation  of 
relieving  the  distressed.  But  it  was  reserved  for 
the  conductors  of  the  British  Critic  to  offer  their 
pages  to  a  wretch,  who  could  conjure  up  an  infa 
mous  falsehood,  with  a  view  of  casting  a  sneer  at. 
the  philanthropist,  and  covering  with  disgrace  his 
benevolent  acts.*  After  such  a  specimen  of  the 

*  Dr.  Perkins  entertained  the  opinion  that  powerful  antiscep- 
tic  remedies  had  not  been  sufficiently  tried  in  that  putrid  disor 
der,  and  these  it  ,was  that  he  was  solicitous  to  pat  to  the  ex 
periment.  The  particulars  of  his  death  were  (us  appears  from 
Mr.  Perkins's  correspondence  with  Messrs.  Rivingtons,  since 
published)  in  possession  of  the  Editors  of  the  British  Critic. 
That  journal,  however  gravely  asserts  in  its  preface  to  Vol.  xx. 

*  it  is  a  curious  fact,  we  have  lately  learned,  that  the  American 
'  inventor  fairly  duped  himself  on  the  subject  of  his  Tractors. 

*  He  died,  we  are  told,  of  the  yellow  fever,  with  this  useless 
'  operation  performed  on  him  at  the  moment.'  .The  atrocity 
manifested  in  the  invention  of  this  falsehood  is  equalled"  only  by 
the  subsequent  conduct  of  the  Editors,  in  refusing,  when  con 
vinced  of  its  injustice,  to  correct  their  statement. 

After  numerous  applications  on  the  part  of  Mr.  Perkins, 
they  dismiss  the  affair  by  the  following  shuffle.  Among  the 
addresses  to  correspondents  in  the  number  for  August  looo,  is 
the  following.  '  Mr  Perkins's  letter  we  have  handed  over  to 
« our  correspondent ',  wkom  it  more  immediately  concerns^-  The 


XXI 


liberality  of  the  conductors  of  this  journal.,  with 
respect  to  the  Metallic  Tractors,  it  did  not  sur 
prize  me  to  find  that,  although  they  were  so  con 
descending  as  to  grant  that  this  Poem  had  merit* 
as  an  *  ingenious  burlesque,'  Sec.  still  they  pro 
nounced  it  an  empirical  puff,  and  the  production 
of  Mr.  Perkins ;  and  had  the  knavery  also  to  mis 
quote  the  title,  by  printing  it  PRACTICAL,  instead 
of  Poetical  Petition,  &c. 

The  next  assailant  of  Perkinism,  of  whom.  I 
shall  take  notice,  is  Dr.  James  Anderson.  This 
ingenious  gentleman  condescended  to  amuse  the 
reqders  of  his  c  Recreations  in  Agriculture'  \vith 
the  following  falsehood,  in  proof  of  the  falling  re 
putation  of  Perkinism.  *  The  price  of  the  Trac- 
'  tors  is  now  reduced  to  four  guineas  the  set!  I* 
But  perhaps- a  gentleman  of  Dr.  Anderson 's  fer 
tile  imagination  and  inventive  genius  ought  by  no 
means  to  be  confined  within  the  boundaries  of 
truth.  Had  the  Doctor  been  obliged  to  state  use 
ful  facts,  and  probable  theories,  merely,  his  (  Re- 

Editors  were  cautious  to  avoid  mentioning  what  Mr.  Perkins 
this  was,  or  the  subject  of  his  letter  !  But  to  close  this  specimen 
of  the  honoty  and  impartiality  exercised  towards  the  Metallic 
Tractors,  the  explanation  or  vindication  of  this  «  cot  respondent  j 
although  frequently  demanded,  has  not  only  never  been  given, 
but  from  that  time  the  Tractors  were  forbidden  to  be  advertis 
ed  for  sale  in  that  Review,  with  this  pretence,  on  the  part  of  the 
publishers,  that  they  had  just  come  to  a  determination  of  ad 
mitting  no  more  advertisements  of  medicines  (the  Tractors  then 
are  Lied  cines! !~]  It  is  necessary  only  to  add,  that  soon  after 
wards,  March  1801,  this  Review  was  stuffed,  as  usual',  with  the 
advertisements  of  quack  medicines.  See  the  numbers  of  the 
British  Critic,  already  mentioned,  and  Perkins's  \Jcses  of  Suec<;ss,- 
ful  Practice,  page  zr,  second  edition,  for  the  particulars  of  tkis 
nefarious  attempt. 


XX11 

creations'  might  possibly  have  been  published  in  a 
sixpenny  pamphlet,  instead  of  the  tedious  and  vo 
luminous  work  he  has  contrived  to  botch  together. 

Another  assailant  of  Perkinism  is  a  Mr.  Corry. 
One  would,  however,  feel  little  disposition  to  cen 
sure  this  character,  as  his  low  situation  in  life 
exposes  him  to  temptations,  which,  it  is  to  be 
hoped,  he  would  otherwise  resist.  This,  however^ 
is  no  excuse  for  his  employers.  In  a  book  against 
Quackery,  he  attacks  the  Tractors  most  furiously, 
'und  in  support  of  his  opinion  of  their  inutility, 
adduces  a  statement  of  a  number  of  experiments, 
purporting  to  have  been  made  by  one  Mr.  Wil 
kinson,  at  Avondale,  near  Stratford  upon  Avon. 
Mr.  Perkins  has  been  at  the  trouble  to  ascertain 
the  correctness  of  this  statement,  and  has  found 
that  neither  the  said  Wilkinson  nor  Avondale 
ever  had  existence  1 !  In  short,  the  whole  is  a  fa 
brication.. 

I  have  to  mention  only  one  more  of  these  gen-, 
tlernen  assailants.  The  late  Lord  Henniker  was 
a  friend  and  promoter  of  the  Metallic  Tractors* 
He  purchased  :.t  different  periods,  during  three 
years,  three  sets  for  the  use  of  his  own  family. 
Being  a  Fellow  of  the  Royal  Society,  and  consU 
dered  a  gentleman  of  superior  judgment  and  ta 
lents,  the  zeal  with  which  he  supported  them,  it 
may  well  be  imagined,  gave  jiain  to  many.  Ac 
cordingly,  at  the  death  of  that  nobleman,  some 
person  conceived  the  idea  of  obliterating  from  the 
mind  of  the  public  any  impression,  which  might 


XX111 

have  existed  in  favour  of  the  metallic  practice,  in 
consequence  of  his  patronage;  and  for  that  pur 
pose  the  following  paragraph  was  inserted  in  a  bio* 
graphical  sketch  of  Lord  Henniker,  in  the  Monthly 
Register  *hv  April  1803. 

4  No  one  sooner  adopted  a  prejudice,  but  no  one 

*  more  readily   submitted   it  to  that  test,   which 

*  suited  it,  and  upon  no  one  had  an  original  pre- 

*  judice  less  effect  in  dazzling  a  subsequent  jjidg- 

*  ment.     The  numerous  testimonies  in  favour  of 

*  a  celebrated  nostrum  induced  his  Lordship  to 
4  become  a  purchaser ;  having  obtained  it,  he  im- 
4  mediately  put  it  to  the  proof,  and  discovered  its 
4  absolute   inefficacy.     His   Lordship   immediately 
4  returned  the  nostrum,  with  a  pecuniary  present 
4  to  its  inventor.     "  You  will  consider  as  your  own 
44  what   I  have  already  paid  for  your   Tractors. 
"  Employ  the  inclosed  notes  to  embark  in  some 
44  more  honest  business,  and  no  longer  impose  on 
44  the  credulity  of  the  public." 

From  another  letter  in  the  Monthly  Register  of 
the  succeeding  month  (May),  it  appears  there 
never  occurred  between  Lord  Henniker  and  Mr. 
Perkins  any  circumstance  which  could  give  the 
leant  colour  for  such  a  representation.  To  the 
time  of  his  death  he  remained  a  firm  advocate  of 
Perkinism. 

Two  more  assailants  might  be  mentioned,  but 
their  deeds  are  already  alluded  to  in  the  fourth 
Canto  of  the  Poem. 


XXIV 

I  have  now  mentioned  every  public  •writer  of' 
whom  I  have  a  knowledge,  ag-ainst  Perkinism,  and 
given  a  specimen  of  their  arguments.  The  more 
private  opposers,  who  employ  that  unruly  mem 
ber  the  tongue,  are  a  hundred  fold  more  nume 
rous,  and  not  less  deficient  in  malice. 

After  this  exhibition  of  the  spirit,  which  has  in 
fluenced  the  opposition  to  the  Metallic  Tractors 
in  Great  Britain,  can  there  be  found  one  honest 
man  who  will  say  that  they  have  met  with  such 
treatment,  as  ought  to  have  been  expected  from. 
a  liberal  and  enlightened  profession;  or  that  the 
author  of  the  present  poem  has  commenced  an  un 
provoked  attack  on  honourable  and  deserving  cha 
racters?  Perkinism  is  supported  by  no  mean  and 
common  pretensions.  Five  years  has  it  buffeted 
the  storm  of  interest  and  prejudice,  and  all  true 
friends  to  humanity,  acquainted  with  its  merits, 
will  congratulate  each  other  on  the  result. 

The  two  following  facts  will  place  the  evidence 
in  favour  of  this  Discovery  in  a  fair  point  of  view. 

Not  an  individual  of  those  persons,  who  have 
communicated  their  experiments  and  remarks  in 
favour  of  Perkinism  (among  whom  are  eight  pro 
fessors  in  four  different  universities,  twenty-one 
regular  physicians,  nineteen  surgeons,  and  thirty 
clergy  nun)  has  publicly  or  privately,  so  far  as  my 
knowledge  extends,  retracted  his  good  opinion  of 
the  Metallic  Tractors. 

2.  The  contest  respecting  the  merits  of  the 
Tractors  has  lain  entirely  between  disinterested 


XXV 

persons  who  have  approved  of  them,  after  a  cau 
tious  and  faithful  experiment,  (Mr.  Perkins  never 
published  any  facts  on  his  own  authority)  and  in 
terested  or  prejudiced  persons,  who  have  condemn 
ed  them  without  any  trial  whatever,  generally 
indeed  who  have  never  seen  them.  This  fact  is 
demonstrated  by  the  Report  of  the  committee  of 
the  Perkinean  Society  to  their  General  Meeting, 
conveying  the  result  of  their  application,  indiscri 
minately  made  to  the  possessors  of  the  Tractors 
in  the  metropolis,  for  their  concurrence  in  the 
establishment  of  a  Public  Institution,  for  the  use 
of  them  on  .the  poor.  It  was  found  that  only  five 
out  of  above  an  hundred  objected  to  subscribe, 
on  account  of  their  want  of  confidence  in  the  effi 
cacy  of  the  Practice,  and  ihese,  the  committee 
observes,  there  is  reason  to  believe,  never  gave 
them  a  fair  trial,  probably  never  used  them  in 
more  than  one  case,  and  that  perhaps  a  case  in. 
which  the  Tractors  have  never  been  recommend 
ed  as  serviceable.  Purchasers  of  the  Tractors 
would  be  among  the  last  to  approve  of  them,  if 
they  had  reason  to  suppose  themselves  defrauded 
of  five  guineas. 

I  am  now  willing  to  express  a  confidence  that 
the  candid  and  unbiassed  reader  will  be  persuaded 
that  the  author  has  been  engaged  in  a  cause  not 
unworthy  of  his  best  exertions  ;  and  that  every 
real  friend  to  humanity  and  useful  science  will 
wish' him  success. 

c 


XXVI 

It  remains  to  speak  of  the  plan  and  design  of 
the  Poem.  The  author's  ambition  has  been  to 
produce  an  original  performance,  and  avoid  all 

*  servile  trick'  and  *  imitative  knack1  of  ordinary 
dealers  in  rhynie.     He  had  rather  introduce  in 
defensible  eccentricities,  and  run  the  hazard  of 
the  lash  of  the  critic,  than  to  *  threat  his  reader, 

*  not  in  vain,  with  sleep.' 

Although  the  attacks  upon  the  Metallic  Trac 
tors  are  the  principal  subject  of  the  following 
Poem,  still  the  Author  has  painted 


every  idle  thing 


That  Fancy  finds  in  her  excursive  flight ;' 

and  he  is  sorry  to  say  that  our  modern  philoso 
phers  furnish  such  a  multitude  of  c  idle  things,' 
which  they  call  discoveries  and  inventions,  that  he 
need  never  lay  his  brush  aside  for  want  of  proper 
subjects  upon  which  to  exercise  skill  in  his  voca 
tion.  Were  the  mere  inutility  of  their  researches 
the  only  objection  which  could  be  urged  against 
them,  they  might  be  permitted  to  follow  their  fri 
volous  pursuits  without  molestation.  But  when, 
in  addition  to  inutility,  their  experiments  are  ac 
companied  with  the  grossest  inhumanity,  the  in 
dignation  of  the  reflecting  mind  is  roused  at  so 
wanton  a  misapplication  of  time,  and  prostitution 
of  talent.  It  has  given  the  writer  no  small  satis- 
faction  to  find  the  opinion  entertained  by  profes 
sional  critics,  who  have  examined  the  former  edi 
tion,  that  *  the  attack  on  some  of  the  cruel  and 


XXVll 

c  indecent  experiments  of  certain  modern  natu- 
'  ralists,  which  seem  limited  to  the  gratification 

*  of  a  licentious  curiosity,  having  for  their  object 

*  the  attainment  of  no  one  practical  good,  is  just 

*  and  commendable.     The  author  has  not  merely 
'  rhyme,  but  very  frequently  reason  on  his  side  in 

*  his  satyrical  remarks.'     {Antijacobin  Re-view  of 
jljiril)  1803,  on  the  first  Edition  of  this  Poem}. 

In  the  present  edition,  another  variety  of  this 
species  of  philosophers  has  received  some  atten 
tion,  although  not  fully  equal  to  what  their  de 
merits  require.  These  are  they  whose  atheistical 
theories  and  speculations  appear  to  have  no  other 
object  than  to  annihilate  a  belief  in  an  overruling 
Providence,  and  cancel  every  religious  and  moral 
obligation. 

In  this  department  I  have  dwelt  upon  the  theo 
ries  of  an  author  (Dr.  Darwin)  whose 

1  Sweet  tetrandrian  monogynian  strains 
«  Pant  for  a  pistil  in  botanic  pains  ; 

*  On  the  luxurious  lap  of  Flora  thrown, 
'  On  beds  of  yielding  vegetable  down  ; 

*  Raise  lust  in  pinks ;  and  with  unhallowed  fire 

*  Bid  the  soft  virgin-violet  expire ; 

and  whose  writings  have  a  direct  tendency  to  un 
hinge  society,  and  reduce  mankind  to  a  state  of 
nature,  by  giving  a  loose  to  those  passions,  which 
of  all  others  require  restraint. 

It  is  to  me  a  most  surprising,  as  well  as  lamen 
table  circumstance,  that  jiure  intellect  has v  so 
little  to  do  with  the  affairs  of  mankind.  Whim, 


xxviy 

folly,  and  fashion,  predominate  most  deplorably 
even  in  this  (which  we  pretend  to  stile  an  enlight 
ened)  age.  The  man  who  discovers  an  extra  joint 
in  the  tail  of  a  tadpole  is  immortalized  for  the 
discovery  ;  whilst  he  who  gives  relief  to  thou 
sands,  languishing-  on  the  bed  of  sickness,  is  to 
be  sure  an  empiric,  and  unworthy  of  countenance, 
and  protection. 

A  bad  head  generally  indicates  a  bad  heart. 
A  fool  nine  times  in  ten,  to  the  extent  of  his  abi 
lities,  is  a  knave.  And  it  is  happy  for  mankind 
that  knaves  commonly  are  fools,  and  generally  too 
cunning  for  their  own  interest.  Thus  it  has  hap 
pened  with  many  of  the  opponents  to  the  Tractors. 
Gross  palpable  lies,  which  were  easily  detected, 
have  been  circulated  to  disparage  Perkiirism.  The 
detection  of  those  lies  has  served  as  an  advertise 
ment  in  its  favour,  and  evinced  the  motives  of  its 
adversaries.  It  is  wisely  ordained  by  Providence, 
for  the  good  of  society,  that  knaves  should  be 
permitted  to  overreach  themselves. 

Although  many  things,  which  I  have  enlarged 
upon  in  this  performance,  are  intended  to  be  stig 
matised,  others  are  introduced  merely  for  the 
purpose  of  laughing  with,  but  not  laughing  at, 
the  inventors. 

The  experiments  of  Aldini,  as  \vcll  as  those  of 
certain  learned  and  respectable  chemists,  the  dis 
cerning  reader  will  perceive^  from  the  manner  in 
which  they  are  treated,  that  I  have  introduced 
merely  for  the  purpose  of  giving  them  publicity, 
and  thus  promoting  the  interest  of  science. 


XXIX 

Indeed  it  would  be  very  ill  judged  in  the  author 
to  discourage  Galvanic  experiments,  when  not  at. 
tended  with  inhumanity.  Every  advance  in  that 
science  is  a  step  nearer  the  top  of  the  eminence 
on  which  Perkinism  rests.  I  am  not,  however, 
very  sanguine  that  Perkinism  is  likely  to  derive 
that  immediate  support  from  the  step-by-step  pro 
gress  which  Galvanism  is  making,  that  one  would, 
on  the  first  reflection,  be  led  to  imagine.  I  fear 
the  Medical  Profession  will  fail  to  support  Galva 
nism  the  moment  it  is  attempted  to  be  applied  to 
any  useful  purpose,  that  is,  to  an  easy  and  cheap, 
mode  of  curing  diseases,  for  then  it  will  become 
identified  with  the  other  offending  practice.  Per 
kins  and  Aldini  I  conceive  go  hand  in  hand ;  but 
the  former  cures  diseases,  (ay  there's  the  rub) 
and  thereby  encroaches  on  the  province  of  the  fa 
culty  ;  and,  I  apprehend,  it  will  continue  to  be  the 
province  of  too  many  of  the  medical  profession  to 
condemn  the  American)  while  they  bend  the  knee 
to  the  Italian. 

In  the  third  Canto,  entitled  c  MANIFESTO,'  the 
author  has  discussed  the  merits  of  every  argument, 
which,  to  his  knowledge,  has  been  adduced  against 
the  Tractors.  Their  ridiculousness,  like  that  of 
home  of  our  Bond  Street  fops,  is  almost  beyond 
the  reach  of  caricature.  For  instance,  Avhen  we 
perceive  Dr.  Hay  garth  attempting  to  persuade  the 
public  that  the  Tractors  cure  diseases  by  operat 
ing  on  the  imagination  of  the  patient,  although 
every  possessor  of  them  may  have  daily  pi  oof  that 
c  2 


XXX 

infants  and  brute  animals  are  as  much  subject  ta 
their  power  as  the  most  credulous ;  and  when  in- 
contestible  proof  is  adduced  by  Mr.  Perkins  of 
their  efficacy  on  those  subjects,  we  see  the  Doctor 
attempt  to  show  that,  in  those  cases,  c  it  is  not  the 
4  patient,  but  the  observer^  who  is  deceived  by  hia 
4  own  imagination' — when  we  next  find  that  Dr. 
H.  and  his  adherents  whose  duty  it  is  to  cure  dis 
eases  in  the  most  safe,  cheap,  and  expeditions  man 
ner,  anathematize  the  Tractors,  because  they  cure 
diseases,  (as  they  pretend  to  suppose)  by  an  ope 
ration  on  the  imagination  (a  pleasant  remedy  !) — 
when  they  exclaim  against  the  Tractors,  and  as 
sert  that  no  confidence  is  to  be  placed  in  their 
effects,  because  the  modus  operandi  is  not  explain 
ed  and  demonstrated,  like  a  mathematical  pro 
blem,  although  the  modus  operandi  of  the  best  and 
most  approved  medicines  in  the  Materia  Medica 
is  even  more  inexplicable — when  we  find  it  ob 
jected  to  the  Tractors,  that  the  testimony  of  those 
\vho  support  the  discovery  is  not  admissible,  nor 
satisfactory,  although  such  testimony  is,  in  every 
sense,  preferable  to  that  on  the  other  side  of  the 
question,  inasmuch  as  it  is  from  learned  and  dis 
interested  men,  many  of  them  MEDICAL  CHARAC 
TERS,  RETIRED  ON  THEIR  FORTUNES  FROM  BU 
SINESS it  is  difficult  to  show  the  ridiculous  con 
duct  of  the  party  opposed  to  Perkinism,  in  a  more 
conspicuous  manner,  than  by  presenting  a  simple 
relation  of  facts.  The  author  has  merely  endea 
voured  to  *nve  a  ludicrous  turn  to  such  nonsensi- 


XXXI 

cal  arguments,  and,  by  thus  placing  them  in  their 
just  light,  show  them  to  be  ridiculous  as  well  as- 
foolish. 

In  the  fourth  Canto,  after  exhibiting  some  spe 
cimens  of  pure  and  unadulterated  quackery,  toge. 
ther  with  some  other  curious  traits  of  character, 
the  Poet  has  plunged  headlong  and  headstrong 
into  a  battle,  which  is  intended  for  the  entertain 
ment  merely  of  your  stout-hearted,  roast-beef 
readers,  who  feast  upon  terrible  images  and  hor 
ror-fraught  descriptions.  Ladies  and  ladies-men, 
and  all  other  delicate,  timid,  and  gentle  readers, 
are  respectfully  informed,  that  they  will  do  well 
not  to  venture  too  incautiously  upon  the  terrific 
scenes  there  introduced. 

Should  it  be  objected  against  this  Poem  that  the 
author  is  unnecessarily  severe  on  seme  occasions, 
I  shall  reply,  in  addition  to  what  has  been  before 
observed,  respecting  the  provocations  given,  that 
he  has  founded  his  severity  upon  FACTS,  and  if 
he  has  nothing  extenuated,  he  has  set  down  nought 
in  malice.  Were  men  of  real  science  to  unite  in 
stripping  the  mask  from  ignorant  and  impudent 
pretenders  to  knowledge  and  acquirements,  which 
they  do  not  possess,  society  would  no*  longer  be 
imposed  on  by  empirics,  pseudo-philosophers,  po 
etasters,  and  other  witlings,  who  puff  themselves 
into  consequence  with  the  less  enlightened,  but 
more  numerous  part  of  mankind.  If,  by  attack 
ing  some  of  that  kind  of  scribblers,  exposing  to 
ridicule  and  contempt  their  whimsical  and  imprac- 


XXX11 

ticable  theories  and  speculations,  and  supporting 
a  discovery,  which  (although  it  has  been  treated 
with  unmerited  obloquy)  experience  has  proved 
to  be  useful)  the  author  has  been  of  service  to  so 
ciety,  and  contributed  his  mite  to  the  treasury  of 
correct  literatare,  his  most  ardent  wishes  and  ex 
pectations  will  be  amply  gratified. 


xxxm 


The  following  LINES,  relating  to  the  excellent 
Institution,  so  frequently  mentioned  in  this  Poem, 
the  Author  conceives  may  be  copied  here,  not  im 
properly,  as  a  conclusion  to  this  Introduction. 


An  Address  delivered  before  the  PERKINEAN  SO 
CIETY,  at  their  public  Dinner,  at  the  Crown  and 
Anchor,  July  15,  1803,  in  celebration  of  the 
opening  of  the  Charity  in  Frith  Street,  Soho, 
for  the  use  of  the  METALLIC  TRACTORS,  in 
Disorders  of  the  Poor:  By  a  Friend  to  the  In 
stitution. 

SAY,'  SONS  OF  SOUL,'  when  erst  th'  Omniscient  plan 

Design'd  this  globe  the  tenement  of  man, 

What '  firm,  immutable,  immortal  laws, 

«  Impress'd  on  nature  by  the  GREAT  FIRST  CAUSE  ;' 

Bade  jarring  atoms  form  one  beauteous  whole, 

Fitted  to  order's  durable  control  ? 

SAGES  OF  SCIENCE,  eagle-ey'd,  disclose, 

What  aptitudes  and  appetencies  those, 

Which  world  with  world  connect  in  one  vast  chain,. 

CAUSE  and  EFFECT,  a  never  ending  train  ? 

Can  ye  unfold  what  energies  control 

The  magnet,  faithful  to  its  kindred  pole ; 

Or  render  plain  the  philosophic  WHY 

Th'  electric  fluid  fires  the  cloud-roof 'd  sky  ? 

Meek  they  reply ; «  These  causes  mock  the  ken, 
«  Of  human  intellect.    Short-sighted  men, 

*  Wiihjinite  views,  as  well  might  hope  to  trace 

*  Infinity,  and  fathom  boundless  space; 

*  Withjlnite  views,  explain  the  links  which  bind. 
4  The  world  of  matter  to  the  world  of  min.d* 


XXXI V 

*  Not  Newton's  self  could  look  all  nature  through, 
«  His,  though  a  wide,  was  still  a  partial  view. 

'  Experience  teaches,  from  EFFECTS  alone, 

*  The  works  of  Deity  in  part  are  known. 

*  As  time  rolls  on,  with  raptur'd  eye,  behold, 

*  The  laws  of  nature  constantly  unfold! 
«  Behold  Galvani's  vivid,  viewless  flame, 

*  Bids  mimic  life  resuscitate  the  frame 

«  Of  man  deceas'd ; — the  vital  lamp  to  burn, 

<  With  transitory  glow,  in  death's  cold  urn. 

«  See  POINTED  METALS,  blest  with  power  t'appease, 

*  The  ruthless  rage  of  merciless  disease, 

*  O'er  the  frail  part  a  subtil  fluid  pour, 

*  Drench'd  with  invisible  Galvanic  shower, 

*  Till  the  arthritic,  staff  and  '  crutch  forego, 

*  And  leap  exulting  like  the  bounding  roe  !' 

'What,  though  the  CAUSES  may  not  be  explain'd, 
«  Since  these  EFFECTS  are  duly  ascertain'd, 

*  Let  not  self-interest,  prejudice,  or  pride, 

*  Induce  mankind  to  set  the  means  aside : 

«  Means,  which,  though  simple,  are  by  Heaven  design'd, 
1T' alleviate  the  woes  of  human  kind  j 

*  Life's  darkest  scenes  with  radiant  light  to  cheer, 
1  Wipe  from  the  cheek  of  agony  the  tear.' 

Blest  be  His  Memory,  who,  in  happy  hour, 
Gave  to  humanity  this  wond'rous  power ; 
Friend  to  the  wretched,  time  shall  write  thy  name, 
A  second  Howard,  on  the  rolls  of  Fame. 
When  late  the  Fiend  of  Pestilence  could  boast 
His  power  resistless  o'er  the  western  coast, 
Poison'd  the  air  with  fell  mephitic  breath, 
Gave  countless  thousands  to  the  realms  of  death  : 
Unmov'd  by  fear,  though  relatives  implore, 
Mov'd  by  no  claim,  save  pity  for  the  poor, 
Thou  didst,  humane,  with  god-like  aim  essay, 
By  med'cine's  power,  his  fury  to  allay ; 
But  soon  COLUMBIA  mourn'd  a  PERKINS'  doom, 
Which  swell'd  the  triumph  of  the  sateless  tomb. 

Yc  worthy,  honour'd,  philanthropic  few, 
The  Muse  shall  weave  her  brightest  wreaths  for  you, 


XXXV 

Who,  in  HUMANITY'S  bland  cause,  unite, 
Nor  heed  the  shafts  by  interest  aim'd,  or  spite ; 
Like  the  great  Pattern  of  Benevolence, 
Hygeia's  blessings  to  the  poor  dispense  ; 
And,  though  oppos'd  by  folly's  servile  brood, 

ENJOY  THE  LUXURY  OF  DOING   GOOD. 


ERRATA. 

The  Reader  will  please  to  correct  with  his  pen  the 

following  errors  of  the  press. 
Page    35,  line   4  from  top,  for  "  funeral"  read  funereal. 
—  129,  line    7    -    -    -    for  "  quoth"  read  quote. 
1 6  8,  line    I    -    -    -    for"  preceed"  read  proceed. 

— — line    8    -    -    -    for  •*  chang"  read  chang'd, 

——170,  line  13     -    -    -    for  "  w ray"  read  wry. 

•  1 85, 4ine   5    -    -    -   for  "  hanging"  read  banging. 

In  addition  to  the  Critiques  cited  in  pages  xi  £3*  xii, 

the  following  may  be  introduced. 
After  stating  how  far  inferior  to  Hudibras  are  the  generality 
of  modern  imitators,  the  Reviewers  proceed,  "  To  a  charge  of 
this  nature,  the  author  of  the  present  Poem  pleads  Not  Guilty* 
With  the  mantle  of  Butler,  he  has  likewise  something  of  his 
inspiration,  and  has  imitated  him  no  less  in  his  versification  than 
in  the  spirit  which  supports  it." 

Monthly  Register  Review  for  May,    1303. 

"  We  must  acknowledge  that  this  Poem  has  a  considerable 
share  of  Hudibrastic  drollery.  The  author  is  particularly  hap 
py  in  his  ludicrpus  compounded  rhymes,  and  has  many  other 
qualities  to  ensure  no  trifling  success  in  doggrel  verse."  After 
a  quotation  from  the  Work,  the  Reviewers  again  enlarge  on  its 
"  ingenious  burlesque,  and  "  humourous  notes,"  &c. 

British  Critic  for  May y    1803. 


If 


CANTO    L 

OURSELF ! 

JRGUMEMT. 


GREAT  Doctor  Caustic  is  a  sage 
"NY  hose  merit  gilds  this  iron  age, 
And  \vho  deserves,  as  you'll  discover, 
YVhen  you  have  conn'dthis  Canto  over, 
For  grand  discoveries  and  inventions, 
A  dozen  peerages  and  pensions  ; 
ISut  having  met  with  rubs  and"  breakers 
rrom  Perkins'  metal  mischief  makers  ; 
With  but  three  halfpence  in  hi.s  pocket, 
In  verses  blazing  like  sky  rocket, 
He  first  sets  forth  in  this  Petition 
His  high  deserts  but  low  condition. 


FROM  garret  high,  with  cobwebs  hung, 
The  poorest  wight  that  ever  sung, 
Most  gentle  Sirs,  I  come  before  ye., 
To  tell  a  lamentable  story. 


What  makes  my  sorry  case  the  sadder, 
I  once  stood  high  on  Fortune's  ladder1 ; 
From  whence  contrive  the  fickle  Jilt  did, 
That  your  Petitioner  should  be  tilted. 

And  soon  tli'  unconscionable  Flirt, 
Will  tread  me  fairly  in  the  dirt, 
Unless,  perchance,  these  pithy  lays 
Procure  me  pence  as  well  as  praise. 

Already  doom'd  to  hard  quill-driving, 
'Gainst  specter' d  poverty  still  striving, 
WThen  e'er  I  doze,  from  vigils  pale, 
Dame  Fancy  locks  me  fast  in  jail. 

Necessity,  though  I  am  no  wit, 
Compells  me  now  to  turn  a  poet .; 

1 1  once  stood  high  on  Fortune's  ladder. 
Although  Dame  FORTUNA  was,  by  ancient  myn 
thologists.  represented  as  a  whimsical  being,  cut 
ting  her  capers  on  the  periphery  of  a  large  wheel, 
I  am  justified  in  accomodating  her  Goddesship 
with  a  ladder,  by  virtue  of  a  figure  in  Rhetoric 
called  POETICA  LICENTJA,  (anglice)  Poets'  Lii 
c-entiousness. 


Not  born,  but  made,  by  transmutation, 
And  chemic  process,  call'd  —  starvation  ! 

Though  Poet's  trade,  of  all  that  I  know, 

Requires  the  least  of  ready  rhino  ; 

I  find  a  deficit  of  cash  is 

An  obstacle  to  cutting  dashes. 

For  Gods  and  Goddesses,  who  traffic 
In  cantos,  odes,  and  lavs  seraphic  ; 
Who  erst  Arcadian  whistle  blew  sharp,, 
Or  now  attune  Appollo's  Jews-Harp, 


Have  sworn  they  will  not  loan  me,  gratis, 
Their  jingling  sing-song  apparatus, 
Nor  teach  me  how,  nor  where  to  chime  in 
My  tintinabulum  of  rhyming.- 

What  then  occurs  ?  A  lucky  hit  —  • 
I've  found  a  substitute  for  wit  ; 

2  My  tintinabulum  of  rhyming. 
The  clock-work  tintinabulum  of  rhyme.  Cow  PER, 


On  Homer's  pinions  mounting  hig!i> 
Til  drink  Pierian  puddle  dry.  3 

BcdJoos  (bless  the  good  Doctor)  has 

Sent  me  a  bag  full  of  his  gas,  4 

Which,  snuhTd  the  nose  up,  makes  wit  brighter, 

And  eke  u  dunce  au  airy  writer. 

3  I'll  drink  Pierian  puddle  dry. 

Pursuant  to  Mr.  Pope's  advice  ; 

Drink  deep,  or  taste  not  the  Pierian  spring. 


4  Sent  me  a  bag  full  of  his  gas, 

This  wondrous  soul-ttansporting   modification 

of  matter  is  christened  by  chemists  Gaseous  ojcycl 
of  nitrogen,  and,  as  will  be  apparent,  from  the 
following  sublime  stanzas,  and  my  judicious  com 
ments  thereon  (in  which  I  hold  the  microt-.cojie  of 
criticism  to  those  my  peculiar  bounties,  v.  hich  are 
Hot  visible  to  the  naked  e?/col 'common  sense),  is  a 
subject  worthy  the  serious  attention  oi  the  poet 
and  physiologist. 

Any  '  half-formed  witling,'  as  Pope  says,  ( Ettf.uy 
on  Criticism, J  •  may  hammer  crikitj  coiiccplions 
into  a  sortol  measured  nonsense*  vulgarly  called 
'prose  bewitcl).t:4«'  i>nt  the  daring  Mioriui,  who 
aspires  to  *  build  with  lofty  rhyme'  an  s^i  i  ^&uu- 
?ncntiimy  before  he  seis  about  llie  mighty  eiitcr- 
prise,  must  be  fill-id  with  a  sort  of  inconiprc- 


With  which  a  brother  bard,  inflated, 
Was  so  stupendously  elated, 


hensible  quiddam  of  divine  inflation.  Then,  if  he 
can  keep  clear  of  Bedlam,  and  be  allowed  the  use 
of  pen,  ink,  and  paper,  every  line  he  scribles,  and 
every  phrase  he  utters,  will  be  a  miracle  of  sublimi 
ty.  Thus  one  Miss  Sibyl  remained  stupid  as  a  bar 
ber's  block,  till  overpowered  by  the  overbearing;  in 
fluence  of  Phoebus.  But  when 


-ea  frxna  furenti 


Concutit,  et  stimulos  sub  pectore  vertit  Apollo ; 

the  frantic  gipsey  muttered  responses  at  once  su 
blime,  prophetic,  and  unintelligible. 

Indeed  this  furor  mentis,  so  necessary  an  ingre 
dient  in  the  composition  of  the  genuine  poet,  some 
times  terminates  in  real  madness,  as  was  unfor 
tunately  the  case  with  Collins  and  Smart :  Swift, 
Johnson,  and  Cowper,  were  not  without  dismal 
apprehensions  of  a  si  milar  fate.  The  wight,  there 
fore,  who  wishes  to  secure  to  himself  a  sublunary 
immortality  by  dint  of  poetizing,  and  happens  not 
to  be  Poeta  J\~ascitur>  must,  like  Doctor  Caustic,  in 
the  present  instance,  seek  a  sort  of  cow-pock- 
like  substitute  for  that  legitimate  rabies,  which 
characterises  the  true  sons  of  Apollo. 

Although  my  own  experiments  with  Dr.  Bed- 
does's  sublimating  gas  would  not  warrant  me  in 
D  2 


6 

He  tower'd,  like  Garnerin's  balloon, 
Nor  stopp'd,  like  halfwits,  at  the  moon  : 


pronouncing-  it  superior  to  the  genuine,  fresh- 
imported  waters  of  Helicon,  still  i  have  no  dpubt 
but  a  person  possessed,  as  Dr.  Darwin  expresses 
it,  of  a  '  Temperament  of  increased  irritability,' 
or,  as  Dr.  Brown  would  have  it,  whose  animal 
machine  was  accommodated  wiih  a  smaller  quan 
tity  of  'Excitability,'  might  receive  astonishing 
benefits  from  the  stimulus  of  this  gaseous  o;;yd  of 
nitrogene. 

Mature  deliberation  and  sedulous  investigation 
of  this  important  subject  have  led  me  to  conclude, 
that  the  benefits  which  result  from  inhaling  this 
gas,  have  been  more  widely  diffused  than  has  been 
generally  imagined,  and  not  at  all  confined  to 
those  persons  in  whom  it  produced  the  singu 
lar  effects  detailed  by  Dr.  Beddoes,  in  his  inge 
nious  pamphlet  on  a  certain  windy  institution,  en 
titled,  '  Notice,'  Sec.  Most  of  the  sublime  specu 
lations  of  our  modern  System-Mongers,  from. 
Doctor  Burnet,  who  encompassed  the  earth  with 
a  crust,  like  the  shell  of  a  tortoise,  and  which,  be 
ing  unfortunately  fractured,  produced  a  Noah's 
flood,  to  Dr.  Darwin,  with  his  '  omnia  e  conchis,' 
have  arisen  from  immoderate  potations  of  this 
bewildering  gas. 


7 

But  scarce  bad  breath' d  three  times  before  ha 
Was  hous'd  in  heaven's  high  upper  story ,5 
Where  mortals  none  but  poets  enter, 
Above  where  Mah'met's  ass  dar'd  venture. 

Strange  things  he  saw,  and  those  who  know  him 
Have  said  that,  in  his  Epic  Poem,6 
To  be  complete  within  a  year  hence, 
They'll  make  a  terrible  appearance. 


5  Was  hous'd  in  heaven's  high  upper  story. 

Brother  Southey  then  made  the  important  dis 
covery  that'  the  atmosphere  of  the  highest  of  all 
*  possible  heavens  was  composed  of  this  "gas.* 
Beddoes's  Notice. 

6  Have  said  that,  in  his  Epic  Poem, 

The  same  poem  to  which  the  gentleman  alludes 
in  his  huge  quarto  edition  of  Joan  of  Arc,  in  the 
words  following — 'Liberal  criticism  I  shall  attend 
i  to,  and  I  hope  to  profit  by,  in  the  execution  of 

<  my  MADOC,    an  epic  poem  on  the  discovery  of 

<  America,  by  that  Prince,  on  which  I  am  now  en- 
«  gaged.' 

As  liberal  criticism  appears  a  great  desideratum 
with  this  sublime  poet,  I  trust  he  will  gratefully 
acknowledge  the  specimen  of  my  liberality  towards 
a  worthy  brother  in  my  4th  canto. 


8 

And  now,  to  set  my  verses  going, 
Like  '  Joan  of  Arc  J  sublimely  flowing, 
I'll  follow  Southey's  bold  example, 
And  snuff  a  sconce  full,  for  a  sample. 

Good  Sir,  enough  !  enough  already  ! 
No  more,  for  .  Heav'n's  sake  [  —  steady  !  —  steady 
Confound  your  stuff  !  —  why  how  you  sweat  me  ! 
I'd  rather  swallow  all  mount 


How  swiftly  turns  this  giddy  world  round, 
Like  tortur'cl  top,  by  truant  twiiTd  round  ; 
While  Nature's  capers  wild  amaze  me, 
The  beldam's  crack1  d  or  Caustic  crazy  \7 

?  The  beldam's  crack'd  or  Caustic  crazy. 

Or,  it  is  possible,  may  it  please  your  Worships, 
that  I  —  I  for  the  matter  of  that  am  a  little  te  —  te 
—  tipsey,  or  so.  —  But  as  there  may  perhaps  be, 
as  it  were,  now  and  then,  one  of  your  Right  Wor 
shipful  Fraternity,  who  has  been  in  a  similar  pre 
dicament  se  —  se  ipse,  I  hope  I  shall  receive  your 
worships  permission  to  stagger  on  \vilh  a  jug  full 
of  gas  iu  my  noddle,  at  least,  through  a  stanza  or 
two* 


I'm  larger  grown  from  bead  to  tail 
Than  Mammoth ,  elephant,  or  whale  ! — 
Now  feel  a  <  tangible  extension'  * 
Of  semi-infinite  dimension ! 

Inflated  with  supreme  intensity, 
I  rill  three  quarters  of  immensity  1 
Should  Phoebus  come  thi»  way,  no  doubt, 
But  I  could  blow  his  candle  out ! 

This  earth's  a  little  dirty  planet, 
And  I'll  no  longer  help  to  man  it, 


8  Now  feel  a  <  tangible  extension* 
Of  semi-infinite  dimension* 

Much  in  the  same  way  was  Mr.  Davy  affected 
in  consequence  of  respiring  this  soul-elevating 
gas.  He  informs  us,  that  after  ha\7ing  been  shut 
up  in  a  breathing-box  for  an  hour  and  a  quarter, 
'  A  thrilling,  extending  from  the  chest  to  the  ex- 
4  tremities,  was  almost  immediately  produced. 
*  I  felt  a  tangible  extension,  highly  pleasurable  in 
4  every  limb  ;  my  visible  impressions  were  daz 
zling,  and  apparently  magnified.'  Davy'*  Re- 
tearchvs  Chemical  and 


10 

But  off  will  flutter,  in  a  tangent,  9 
And  make  a  bar  urn  scar  urn  range  on't ! 

9  BiU  off  will  flutter,  in  a  tangent, 
And  make  a  harum  scarum  range  on't  I 

Mr.  Davy's  dose  had  a  similar  operation.     He 
save:,  <  I  lost  all  connexion  with  external  things. 

*  Trains    of  vivid    visible  images   rapidly  passed 

*  through  my  mind,  and  were  connected  with  words, 
'  in  such  a  manner  as  to  produce  perceptions  per- 
4  fectly  novel.     I  existed  in  a  world  of  newly  con- 
'  nected,  and  newly  modified  ideas.     I  theorised,  I 

*  imagined  that  I  made  discoveries.'  (Perhaps,  if 
the   learned  lecturer  were    to  repeat  the  dose,  he 
might  in  raz&Vz/'hit  on  something  of  little  less  im 
portance  than  the  grand  discoveries  of  Dr.  Caus 
tic.)     4  When  I  was  awakened  from  this  semi-de- 
4  lirious  trance,  by    Dr.    King-lake,  who  took  the 

*  bag  from  my  mouth,  indignation  and  pride  were 
1  the  first  feelings  produced  by  the  sight  of  the 
{  persons  about  me.     My  motions  were  enthusias 
tic  and  sublime,  and  for  a  minute  I  walked  round 
the    room  perfectly  regardless  of  what  was  said 
to  me.     As  I  recovered  my  former  state  of  mind 
I  felt  an  inclination  to   communicate  the  disco 
veries  I   had  made  during   the  experiment.     I 
endeavoured  to  recall  the  ideas  ;  they  were  fetble 
and    indistinct.     One  collection  of  terms,  how 
ever,  presented  itself;  and  with  the  most  intense 
belief,  and  prophetic  manner  I  exclaimed  to  Dr. 
Kinglake,  "   Nothing   exists  but   thought;   the 

"  universe  is  composed  of  impressions,  ideas,  plea- 
"  sures,  and  pains  1  !  I"     Davy's 


Stand  ye  appalPd  !   quake  !  quiver  I  quail  ! 
For  lo  I  stride  a  comet's  tail  ! 
If  my  deserts  you  fail  to  acknowledge, 
I'll  drive  it  plump  against  your  college  !  { 

But  if  your  Esculapian  band 
Approach  my  highness,  cap  in  hand, 
And  show  vast  tokens  of  humility, 
I'll  treat  your  world  with  due  civility. 

As  Doctor  Young  foretold,  right  soon 
I'll  make  your  earth  another  moon, I0 


My  sensations  in  consequence  of  respiring  this 
gas  \fere  not  precisely  the  same,  though  some 
what  similar  to  those  of  Mr.  Davy.  That  gen 
tleman  could  not  c  recall  the  vivid  visible  ima 
ges'  which  made  such'  'rapid  progress  through 
1  his  mind,  and  produced  perceptions  perfectly 
*  novel  !'  But  I  have  recorded,  in  the  following 
stanzas,  some  of  the  most  important  ideas,  which 
passed  through  my  mind,  and  am  willing  to  own 
that  pride  and  indignation  were  predominant. 


*°  I'll  make  your  earth  another  moon. 
The  idea  of  the  practicability  of  this  stupendous 


12 

And  Phoebus  then,  an  arrant  ass, 
iVIay  turn  his  ponies  out  to  grass. 


performance  I  derived  March  28th  at  the  Royal 
Institution,  into  the  gallery  of  which  I  had  the 
happiness  to  obtain  admission,  by  virtue  of  a  bor 
rowed  blue  ticket.  That  learned  lecturer  vas  then 
discoursing  on  Secondary  Planets,  Moon,  Satel 
lites,  Force  of  Gravitation;  Keplean  Laws,  &c. 
In  the  course  of  his  observations  he  alluded  to 
the  wTell  known  apprehensions  of  the  hen-hearted 
Sir  Isaac  Newton,  respecting  the  mischief  comets 
might  produce  to  our  earth,  should  any  of  these 
journeying  gentry  take  it  into  their  heads  to  come 
within  the  sphere  of  its  attraction. 

Whether  the  humane,  polite,  and  learned  Doc 
tor  was  impelled  to  this  speculation  from  perceiv 
ing  an  emotion  like  that  of  terror  and  anxiety 
among  the  fair  part  of  his  audience,  which  he  was 
solicitous  to  dispel?  or  whether  he  has  actually 
discovered  some  new  secret  in  the  laws  of  gravi 
tation,  evincing  that  the  largest  bodies  are  attract 
ed  most  powerfully  by  the  smallest,  and  that  of 
consequence  one  of  these  huge  flaming  masses  of 
matter,  whose  velocity  and  projectile  force  are 
almost  incalculable,  should,  in  conformity  to  the 
said  new  laws,  take  up  its  residence  among  us,  and, 
with  all  the  politeness  and  agility  of  a  French  danc 
ing-master,  skip  about  our  puny  globe  in  com 
pany  with  Miss  Luna,  are  points  which,  with  me 
remain  undetermined  ;  but  such  certainly  were 
the  cheering  hopes  his  profound  speculations  ltd 
us  to  entertain. 


13 

But  now,  alas  !  a  wicked  wag 
Has  pulPd  away  the  gaseous  bag  : 


If  we  are  really  to  be  blessed  with  another*  moon, 
from  this  source  (I  should  have  termed  it  a  sun, 
had  not  Dr.  Young  pronouBced  it  a  moon)  it  will 
evidently  not  be  such  a  changeable  jade  a^  our'sis 
at  present ;  for,  being  an  entire  flame,  it  will  shine 
with  unborrowed  lustre,  so  that  it  will  be  a  mat 
ter  of  no  consequence  whether  its  face  or  backside 
is  turned  towards  us.  In  that  case  our  new  moon, 
as  was  judiciously  observed  by  an  Hibernian  of  my 
acquaintance,  would  be  of  more  consequence  than 
even  the  sun  himself,  for  he  shines  only  in  the  day 
time,  when  we  can  see  very  well  -without  him. 

On  the  whole,  after  weighing  the  subject  ma 
turely,  deliberately,  and  considerately,  as  its  impor 
tance  requires,  I  am  disposed  to  think  that  we  are 
indebted  to  the  ladies  for  this  lunary  (not  luna 
tic)  speculation  of  Dr.  Young.  This  opinion  I 
ground  on  the  excessive  sensibility  which  that  po 
lite  lecturer  on  many  occasions  shows  and  most 
undoubtedly  feels  for  the  fair  sex. 

Leaving  these  moot  points,  however,  to  be  de 
cided  by  more  competent  judges,  I  cannot  pass 
over  one  important  affair  which  I  have  just  right 
to  exclaim  against,  as  an  infringement  on  my 
rights  as  a  free-born  British  subject.  Every  pro 
prietor  of  the  Royal  Institution  has  two^f  e<l  tickets 
transferable,  which  admit 'the  possessor  into  the 
c 


14 

From  heav'n,  where  thron'd,  like  Jor«,  I  sat, 
I'm  'fal'n!  fal'n!  fai'n'  down!  flat!  flat!  flat! « 


lower  part,  or  body  of  the  house,  and  also  one  blue 
ticket,  transferable,  to  ta^e  his  servants  into  the 
gallery.  I  have  said  above  that  I  obtained  a  seat 
in  the  gallery  by  the  aid  of  one  of  these  bjue  tickets. 
This  ticket  I  borrowed  of  Sir  Joseph's  coachman. 
Could  it  be  imagined  that  my  presence  should  have 
caused  so  much  alarm,  that  orders  should  be  im 
mediately  given  that  no  person  should  thereafter 
be  admitted  by  the  blue  ticket,  which  orders  are  in 
force  to  this  day.  Knowing  that  I  could  not  con 
trive  to  possess  myself  of  ared  ticket,  to  admitme 
among  ladies  and  gentlemen,  this  arrangement 
was  intended  for  my  particular  vexation. 

Being  on  good  terms  with  the  coachman  afore 
said,  I  have  been  allowed  to  hold  this  blue  ticket 
in  possession,  and  have  frequently  essayed,  by 
virtue  thereof,  to  enter  the  gallery.  But  that  old 
Cerberus  of  a  door-keeper  has  ever  growled  me 
back  again,  with  a  Gorgon-like  aspect  which  would 
have  petrified  any  heart,  unless,  like  mine,  it  were 
previously  rendered  callous  by  adversity. 

Indeed  it  is  apparent,  from  the  conduct  of  the 
Managers,,  that  the  whole  host  of  Literati,  at  the 
Royal  Institution,  would  be  more  terrified  at  be 
holding  the  meagre  phiz  of  Doctor  Caustic  stretch 
ed  over  the  front  seat  of  the  gallery,  to  scrutinize 
their  proceedings,  than  if  the  cloven-footed  fiend 
shouU  in  reality  m^ke  his  personal  appearanoe  ta 
the  ntidgt  of  them* 


Thus,  as  the  antient  story  goes> 
When  o'er  Avernus  flew  the  crows* 
They  were  so  stench'd,  in  half  a  minute, 
They  giddy  grew  and  tumbled  in  it. 

And  so  a  blade,  who  is  too  handy 
To  help  himself  to  wine  or  brandy, 
At  first  gets  higher,  then  gets  lower, 
Then  tumbles  dead  drunk  on  the  floor  ! 

Such  would  have  been  my  sad  case,  if 
I'd  taken  half  another  tiff ; 
And  even  now,  I  cannot  swear, 
I'm  not  as  mad  as  a  March  hare  ! 

How  these  confounded  gasses  serve  us ! 
But  Bed  does  says  that  I  am  nerrous, 

«  '  I'm  fal'n  !  fal'n  !  fal'n1  down  !  flat !  flat!  flat » 

See  Dry  den's  Feast  of  Alexander,  where  one 
Xing  Darius  has  a  terrible  tumble  down,  beauti 
fully  described  by  half  a  dozen  <  fallerrs.'  But  I 
think  the  Persian  Monarch  did  not,  after  all,  fall 
quite  stijlat  as  Doctor  Caustic. 


16 

And  that  this  oxyd  gas  of  nitre 
Is  bad  for  such  a  nervous  writer  I 

Indeed,  Sir,  Doctor,  very  odd  it  is 
That  you  should  deal  in  such  commodities, 
Which  drive  a  man  beside  his  wits, 
And  women  to  hysteric  fits  ! 12 

Now,  since  this  wildering  gas  inflation 
Is  not  the  thing  for  inspiration, 
I'll  take  a  glass  of  cordial  gin, 
Ere  my  sad  story  I  begin  j 

And  then  proceed  with  courage  stoutf 
From  (  hard-bound  brains'  to  hammer  out; 
My  case  forlorn,  in  doleful  ditty, 
To  melt  your  worships  hearts  to  pity. 

J*  And  women  to  hysteric  fits. 

.See  the  lamentable  case  of  the  Lady,  page  16th 
of  Dr.  Becldoas's  pamphlet,  who,  taking  a  drop 
too  much  of  this  panacea,  fell  into  hysterical 
tits,  &c. 


17 

Sirs,  I  have  been  in  high  condition, 

A  right  respectable  PHYSICIAN  ; 

And  pass'd,  with  men  of  shrewd  discerning. 

For  wight  of  most  prodigious  learning  ; 

For  I  could  quote,  with  flippant  ease, 
Grave  Galen  and  Hippocrates, 
Brown,  Cullen,  Sydenham  and  such  men, 
Besides  a  shoal  of  learned  Dutchmen, T3 

In  all  disorders  was  so  clever, 
From  toothach,  up  to  yellow  fever, 
That  I  by  learned  men  was  reckoned 
Don  JLsculapius  the  second  ! 

No  case  to  me  was  problematic  ; 
Pains  topical,  or  symptomatic, 


J3  Besides  a  shoal  of  Jearned  Dutchmen. 

Boerhaave,  Steno,  De  Graff,  Svvammerdam, 
Zimmerman,  cum  multis  aliis.  By  the  bye,  Gentle 
men,  this  epithet  shoal  is  not  always  toJbe  taken  in 
a  shallow  sense  ;  but,  when  applied  to  such  decfi 
fellows,  must  be  considered  as  a  aoun  of  multi 
tude,  as  we  say  a  shoal  of  herrings* 
£2 


18 

From  aching  head,  to  gouty  toes1, 
The  hidden  cause  I  could  disclose. 

Minute  examiner  of  Nature, 
And  most  sagacious  operator, 
I  could  discern,  prescribe,  apply 
And  cure  ^disease  in  louse's  eye.  15 


i4        i     discern,  prescribe,  apply, 
And  cure 

My  learned  friend,  Dr.  Timothy  Triangle 
perusing  the  manuscript  of  this  my  pithy  Peti 
tion,  discovered  that  my  description  of  the  modus 
operandi  on  the  insect  as  above,  compared  with  the 
cekbrated  "  veni,  -vidi^  -vici>y  as  a  specimen  of 
fine  writing,  is  superior  in  the  direct  proportion 
of  four  to  three,  consequently  Dr.  Caustic  has  ad 
vanced  one  step  higher  in  the  climax  of  sublimity 
than  Julius  C&sar. 


15  disease  in  louse's  eye. 

I  do  not  pretend  that  in  this,  and  other  acquisi 
tions  herein  stated,  I  have  been  so  fortunate  as  to 
exceed  many  other  profound  geniuses,  who  have 
delighted  the  learned  world  with  sublime  disco 
veries  in  the  abstruse  sciences  of  insectology, 
mite-ology,  anducthing-ology.  Such  gentlemen, 
for  instance,  as  Leu»venhoek,  Reaumur,  Swammer- 
dam,  and  Monsieur  Lyonct.  Indeed  I  have  disco 
vered  prodigious  curiosities;  which  escaped  the  no- 


19 

To  insect  small  as  e'er  one  sees 
Floating  in  torrid  summer  breeze, 
Although  to  less  than  nothing  verging, 
Could  give  a  vomit  or  a  purging. 

I  had  a  curious  little  lancet, 

Your  worships  could  not  help  but  fancy  if, 


tice  of  the  latter  philosopher,  in  the  organization  of 
La  Chenille  de  Saule,  or  caterpillar  of  the  willow. 
The  extent  of  his  discoveries  on  this  insect  will  be 
perceived  from  the  following  statement  by  Adams, 
in  his  work  on  the  Microscope.  *  The  number  of 
(  muscles  that  our  observer  (M.  Lyonet)  has  been 
*  able  to  distinguish  is  truly  astonishing.  He 
1  found  228  in  the  head,  1647  in  the  body,  and 
'  2066  in  the  intestinal  tube,  making  in  all  3941.' 

And  I  might  boast  that  I  have  felt  thejeverieh 
pulse  of  that  invisible  family,  the  A*inialcula  In 
fusoria  ;  and  effected  jugular  phlebotomy  onr  a 
sick  louse,  without  subjecting  the  unhappy  insecfc 
to  the  ad  unguem  operation,  attempted  by  every 
bungling  old  woman,  hi  our  scholastic  nurseries. 
In  short,  gentlemen,  in  my  opinion,  I  ought  to  be 
placed  in  the  ranks  of  literature,  somewhere  within 
gun-shot  of  Linnaeus. 

But  I  have  still  further  claims  to  your  polite  at 
tention.  I  am  an  animal,  of  the  Class  of  Illuminati, 
the  Order  of  Authors,  the  Genus  of  Poets,  and  the 
Sfiecies  of  Garreteers,  which  last  distinction  shows 
me  to  be  an  elevated  character,  and  of  consequence 
one  who  ought  to  stand  kigh  in  your  estimation. 


20 

By  which  I  show'd,  with  skill  surprising, 
The  whole  art  ofyto-botomising  ! 

And  tvith  it  oft  inoculated 

(At  which  friend  Jermer  '11  be  elated) 

Flies,  fleas,  and  gnats,  with  cow-pox  matter, 

And  not  one  soul  took  small-pox  a'ter  ! 

Could  take  a  microscopic  mite, 
Invisible  to  naked  sight  ; 
Ad  hifiniium,  could  divide  it, 
For  times  unnumbered  have  I  try'd  it, 

With  optic  glass  ;  of  great  utility, 

Could  make  the  essence  of  nihility 

To  cut  a  most  enormous  figure, 

As  big  as  St.  Paul's  Church,  or  bigger  !  & 


16  As  big  as  St,  Paul's  Church,  orbiggep! 

I  propose,  immediately,  to  open  a  shop  for  the 
manufacture  of  these  glasses,  provided  1  can  ob 
tain  sufficient  credit  for  that  purpose.  Then  of 
course  Adams,  Jones,  ami  Dojlond,  must  shut  up 
theirs.  1  shall  admit  into  partnership  with  me  a 
friend  of  mine,  who  somt  time  since  applied  to  the 
Honoarabk  Board  of  Longitude,  (a)iiumbly  hoping 


A  soldier  in  my  glass's  focus,  X7 
Without  the  aid  of  hocus  pocus, 


to  obtain  a  premium  for  having  invented  an  optical 
instrument,  which  would  display  the  wing  of  a 
fly,  placed  on  the  top  of  St.  Paul's,  and  pored  at 
from  the  street  adjacent^  as  large  as  the  mainsail 
of  a  man  of  war. 

i 

It  is  well  known  that  this  distinguished,  right 
honourable  body  are  little  less  noted,  than  the 
gentlemen  of  the  Trinity  House,  for  their  discern 
ment  in  appreciating  true  merit,  and  their  liber 
ality  in  rewarding  those  artists  whose  inventions 
or  discoveries  have  any  connexion  with  the  im 
provement  of  navigation,  especially  if  such  artist 
happen  to  be  as  Poor  as  he  is  ingenious.  The 
said  Board  of  Longitude  were  so  astonishingly 
liberal  in  the  present  instance,  that  they  offered 
to  reward  him  with  no  less  than  thirty  pounds 
sterling  ;  and  I  have  no  doubt  but  they  would  have 
paid  the  whole  sum,  either  in  cash,  or  accepted 
bills  of  a  short  date.  This,  indeed,  was  a  huge 
•urn,  when  it  is  considered  that  the  inventor  had 
laboured,  with  unremitting  assiduity,  in  perfecting 
this  instrument  no  more  than  seven  years.  But 
his  indignant  ingenuity  spurned  at  the  sum  as  trif 
ling  and  inadequate,  and  he  accordingly  broke  his 
glass  before  the  faces  of  his  noble  patrons. 

But  notwithstanding  the  unfortunate  issue  of 
this  application,  great  men  like  Dr.  Caustic,  and 
my  frientl  aforesaid,  have  always  resources  in 
their  own  minds,  sufficient  to  enable  them  to  force 
their  way  forward  in  society.  Improvements  of 


Briareus-like,  terrific  stands, 

"With  fifty  heads  and  hundred  hands  ! 


such  magnitude  are  now  introduced  in  the  mecha 
nism  of  this  instrument,  principally  by  my  instru 
mentality,  that  \ve  should  he  justified  in  refusing 
any  reward,  as  too  trivial  for  our  merits,  which  the 
united  funds  of  all  Europe  could  bestow. 

I  shall  only  state  to  your  Worships  a  few  of  the 
important  objects  to  which  our  astonishing  mag1* 
niner  may  be  advantageously  applied. — 

It  has  been  supposed,  by  some  people  of  little  or 
no  research,  that  certain  persons  (very  Hnlike  the 
gentlemen  of  the  Trinity  House  and  the  honoura 
ble  Board  above  mentioned)  have  no  souls.  But  by- 
taking  a  squint  at  them  through  our  instrument, 
which  makes  nihility  visible,  you  may  perceive  that 
each  has  a  soul  about  the  size  of  a  large  lobster. 

A  certain  statesman  had  been  thought  to  pos 
sess  no  talents,  and  to  be  sure  they  were  not  quit* 
visible  to  the  naked  eye  ;  but,  when  peered  at 
through  our  peerless  microscope,  this  same  states 
man  not  only  appeared  superiour  to  Machiavel, 
as  a  politician,  but  his  splendid  abilities  shed  in 
effable  lustre  on  all  his  relations  .'  ! 

This  microscope  is  equally  useful  in  magnify 
ing  services,  which  have  been  rendered  commu 
nity.  Thus  the  uncles,  aunts,  cousins,  sisters, 
brothers,  and  little  children  of  the  aforesaid  states 
man,  by  virtue  thereof,  seemed  to  have  rendered 
such  services  to  community,  that  nothing  short 
of  the  most  princely  revenues,  clerkships  of  Pells^ 
Sec.  Sec.  Sec.  could  reward  them  in  proportion  to 
their  deserts,  or  enable  them  to  support,  in  a 
suitable  manner,  their  newly  acquired  dignity. 


23 

A  fish-boat  seems  a  grand  flotilla, 
To  frighten  Addington  or  Billy  ; 
Appears  a  dreadful  French  invasion 
T'  annihilate  the  British  nation. 

Could  tell,  and  never  be  mistaken, 
What  future  oaks  were  in  an  acorn  ; 
And  even  calculate,  at  pleasure, 
The  cubic  inches  they  would  measure. 

Discover' d  worlds  within  the  pale 
Of  tip  end  of  a  tadpole's  tail, 

J7  A  soldier  in  my  glass's  focus. 

Somewhat  similar  to  the  microscope  described 
by  Mr.  Adams. 

*  Leuwenhoek  discovered  in  the  eyes  of  the 
f  Labellula  12544  triangular  lenses,  each  forming 
'  a  distinct  image  of  the  object  placed  before  it. 

*  On  turning  your  ere    towards  a  sojdier,  by  the 

*  aid  of  the  mirror  of  the  microscope^  you  will  have 
'  an  army  of  pigmies,  performing   every  motion 

*  in  the  same  instant  of  time.' 

Adams  on  the  Microscope ,  p.  339. 

My  improvement  pf  the  glasses  renders  each 
4  of  tjhese  pigmies' as  big  as  a  Polyphemus. 


And  took  possession  of  the  same 

In  my  good  friend,  Sir  JOSEPH'S  name ; ** 

And  soon  shall  publish,  by  subscription, 
A  topographical  description 
Of  worlds  aforesaid,  which  shall  go  forth 
In  fool's  cap  folio,  gilt,  and  so  forth. 

Could  tell  how  far  a  careless  fly 
Might  chance  to  turn  this  globe  awry, 
If  flitting  round,  in  giddy  circuit, 
With  leg  or  wing,  he  kick  or  jerk  it !  J9 


18  In  my  good  friend,  Sir  JOSEPH'S  name. 

This  was  immensely  proper,  as  I  propose  co 
lonising  these  hitherto  Terra  Incognita,  and  know 
of  no  person  in  existence,  except  mynelf,  (who  am. 
Jiow  decrepid  with  age,  and,  alas,  sadly  poverty- 
striken)  whose  scientific  qualifications,  knowledge 
of  the  coast,  and  well-known  ardent  zeal  in  tha 
science  of  Tadpolism,  so  well  entitle  him  to  com 
mand  such  an  important  expedition. 

*9  With  leg  or  wing,  he  kick  or  jerk  it. 

Could  I  command  the  years 'of  a  Nestor,  *  the 
indelible  ink'  of  a  Lettsom,  and  the  diligence  of  a 
.Dutch  commentator,  I  should  still  readily  ackno- 


13 

Could  amputate  with  ease,  I  trow. 
A  puppy's  leg — in  utero ;  20 


ledge  that  my  powers  were  totally  inadequate  to  the 
task  of  eulogising,  in  proportion  to  their  merits-,  the 
philosophical  and  literary  performances  of  that  pro 
found  sage  Dr.  James  Anderson,  LLD.  FRS. 
Scotland,  (6}  8tc.  &c.  Sec.  &c.  whose  mysterious 
hints  afforded  a  clue  by  which  I  have  been  enabledto 
add  lustre  to  the  present  age,  by  many  of  my  owii 
sublime  discoveries  and  inventions. 

In  his  detfi  work  called  ''Recreations  in  Agriculture 
and  Natural  History,'  the  Doctor  says,  among  other 
things  not  less  marvellous,  'The  mathematician  can 

*  demonstrate,  with  the   most  decisive  certainty, 
4  that  no  fly  can  alight  on  this  globe  which  we  in- 

*  habit,  without    communicating  motion  to  it  ;  and 

*  he  can  ascertain,  with  the  most  accurate  precision, 
<  if  so  he  choose  to  do,1  (by  the  bye  this  sine  qua  non 
part  of  the  sentence  is  very  beautiful,  and  not  at  all 
redundant)  4  what  must  be  the  exact  amount  of  the 
'  motion  thus  produced.'     Vol.  ii.  p.  350» 


20  A  puppy's*  leg— in  utero. 

•More  wonderful  matter,  perfected  from  hints  of 
Dr.  A.I  After  telling  the  public  how  to  propagate 
rabbits  with  one  ear,  which  would  be  no  less  useful 
than  the  renowned  Gulliver's  breed  of  '  naked 
sheep,'  the  Doctor  says,  '  I  know  another  instance 

*  of  a  dog,  which  was  brought  forth  with  three  leg* 

*  o^ly  the  fourth  being  wanting  :'  (which  last  curious 
circumstance   might    possibly   happen,  if   it  had 
three  legs  anly.)  *  It    chanced  to  be  a  female  ;    she 


26 

And  matters  comical  have  moulded, 
For  docking  colts  that  Avere  not  foaled.  »* 

<  has  had  several  litters  of  puppies,  and  among  these 
1  several  individuals  were  produced  that  had   the 

<  same  defect  with  herself ;  but  no  pains  were  taken 
*to  perpetuate  this  breed  by  pairing  them  with 
c  others  of  the  same  kind,'     To  be  sure  a  most  la 
mentable  circumstance  1  Vol.  i.  p.  68. 

31  For  docking  colts  that  were  not  foaled* 

Another  Andersonianism.  *  It  has  been  several 
times,'  says  the  Doctor, 'taken  notice  of  by  natura- 
4  lists  that  in  England,  where  the  practice  of  dock- 

*  ing  horses  very  short,  for  a  long  time  prevailed, 

*  the  horses  naturally  produced  have  fewer  joints 

*  in  their  tails  than  those  of  other  countries ;  and 
4  though  I  have  never  heard  it  noticed,  that  any 
4  were   produced,  without  having  a  tail,  that  re* 
4  quired  to  be  clocked,  yet  it  may  have  often  happen- 

*  ed  without  being  remarked  j  for  as  it  would  not 

*  be  known,  when  old,  from  one  that  had  been  dock- 
4  edit  might  pass  unobserved.'     The  Doctorafter- 
wards  appears  surprised,  (as  well  he  might  be,  at 
such  an  extraordinary    phenomenon)    that  many 
men,  who   have  lost  a  leg,  or  an  arm,  have  had 
children  after  the  accident,  and  these,  for  the  most 
part,  free  from  any  blemish  !  ! 

But  the  above  quotations  are  but  puny  crackers, 
compared  with  some  great  guns  this  writer  can 
occasionally  let  oft'.  Pray  how  then  can  the  pub-* 
lie  withstand  the  artillery  of  the  indignant  Doc 
tor  when  plied  against  the  Metallic  Tractprs,  those 


And  could  prepare  a  puny  fry 
Of  yet  unborn  homunculi 

petty  instruments  of  firctcnded  mighty  power 
•which,  as  will  hereafter  more  fully  appear,  have 
been  the  fruitful  source  of  woes  unnumbered  to 
Doctor  Caustic? 

At  a  time  when  I  was  all  dismay  for  some  new 
argument  against  Perkinism,  my  ingenious  friend, 
to  shew  its  falling  reputation,  among  other  concep 
tions  equally  happy  and  equally  well  founded,  pub 
lished  in  one  of  his  <  Recreations^  i  that  the  price 
*  of  the  Tractors  was  now  reduced  to  four  guineas 
4  the  set,'  when,  in  fact,  no  such  thing  was  ever 
in  contemplation.  On  the  contrary,  an  advance 
has  since  taken  place  in  their  price  to  six  guineas. 
Indeed  I  may  challenge  any  son  of  Galen  to  ex 
ceed  my  worthy  friend  in  intrepidity  of  this  sort. 

As  to  any  ill-natured  report  Mr.  Knight  *  may 
raise  against  the  integrity  of  this  philosopher,  or 
any  notion  the  public  may  entertain  respecting 
his  collusive  operations  with  honest  Forsyth,  I  shall 
merely  assert  that  I  would  not  believe  a  syllable 
to  that  effect,  were  it  ever  so  true.  I  confess, 
however,  if  Forsyth  were  my  particular  friend,  I 
might  whisper  in  the  good  man's  ear,  that  so  use* 
ful  is  it  to  preserve  the  good  graces  of  that  old 


*  See  a  Letter,  published  by  White,  from  Thomas  Andrew? 
Knight,  Esq  to  Dr.  Anderson,  in  which  he  most  uncourteously 
imputes  unworthy  motives  to  the  said  Doctor ;  and  without  any 
remorse,  or  the  fear  of  shamebefore  his  eyes,  talks  about  aprip 
vate  interest  to  answer,  of  a  greater  deficit  of  veracity,  &c. 


28 

To  chant  the  dulcified  squeakissimo >  22 
And  eke  to  trill  the  grand  squallissimo. 

By  bare  inspecting,  though  months  a'terr 
A  place  where  patient  had  made  watery 
I  could  divine,  with  skill  unfailing, 
Of  what  disorder  he  was  ailing  I 

And  you'll  allow,  sans  hesitation, 
On  score  of  vast  accommodation, 


vixen  y'clept  Public  Opinion,  I  should  rather  pre- 
'fer  to  have  my  discoveries  rest  on  their  own 
merits,  than  on  the  credit  of  even  so  great  aman  as 
Doctor  Anderson  I 

22  And  eke  to  trill  the  grand  squallissimo  ! 

I  anticipate  the  heing  idolized  by  amateurs  of 
Italian  operas  for  this  my  beautiful  invention. 
Surely  itmustbe  allowed  I  have  herein  far  exceed 
ed  even  what  my  friend  Doctor  Anderson  would 
have  supposed  possible.  As  soon  as  this  my  in 
vention  is  made  public  (which  shall  take  place 
whenever  I  have  by  patent,  or  parliamentary  do 
nation,  secured  to  myself  the  emoluments  there 
unto  belonging)  John  Bull  may  gratify  his  delicate 
taste  for  refined  music,  without  the  trouble  and 
expence  of  importing  from  Italy  those  pretty  things, 
whose  delicious  warblings  compose  the  soul  of 
true  melody. 


29 

That  few  discoveries  this  can  equal, 

When  you  have  heard  me  through  the  sequel, 

For  bottled  urine  has,  no  doubt, 
In  public  mails,  been  frank' d   about  ;(c) 
(A  thing  there  must  be  mighty  trouble  in,) 
To  London  as  it  were,  from  Dublin,  23 

That  such  a  man  as  Doctor  Mayersbach, 
(Such  things  took  place  not  many  years  back)  ** 

*3  To  London,  as  it  were,  from  Dublin. 

Contemplate  fora  moment,  gentlemen,  the  ex 
treme  inconvenience  attending  the  present  mode 
of  convey  ing,  for  the  purpose  of  medical  scrutiny, 
the  singular  contents  of  these  bottles,  to  and  fro, 
from  Dan  to  Beersheba.  Besides  our  patients 
cannot  all  be  Lord  Lieutenants  of  Ireland.  They 
cannot  a/7  enjoy  the  privilege  of  franking,  per  mail, 
all  sorts  of  commodities,  such  as  millstones  and 
necklaces,  bales  of  Irish  linen  and  ladies  slippers  ; 
and  unless  by  particular  act  of  parliament,  allow 
ing  bottles  of  urine,  like  stamped  almanacks,  a 
free  passage  per  mail,  to  any  part  of  his  majesty's 
dominions,  I  confess  I  do  not  see  how  Dr.  May- 
eisba.cn  can  exercise,  so  often  as  could  be  wished, 
his  soothsaying  sagacity  on  the  precious  contents 
of  such  bottles. 

*4  Such  things  took  place  not  many  yearsback. 

I  was  at  the  house  of  Dr.  M.  when  the  postman,  be- 
JT  2 


so 

Might  view  this  uric  oxyd's  basis, 
And  rightly  understand  the  cases. 


«>ides  the  usual  budget  of  letters,  brought  a  huge 
bottlefranked  from  Dublin  Castle.  I  have  parti 
cular  satisfaction,  however,  in  stating,  for  the  in 
formation  of  those  ladies  and  gentlemen  who  by 
the  same  mail  may  have  received  either  love  let 
ters,  or  state  letters,  that  I  have  no  reason  to  ap 
prehend  (as  there  was  no  apparent  leakage  or  fis 
sure  in  the  bottle)  that  those  letters  were  actually 
p — d  upon. 

25 uric  oxyd's  basis. 

I  wish  it  may  not  be  inferred  from  my  adopting 
the  term  Uric  Oxyd,  that  I  propose  to  take  any 
part  in  the  controversy  between  Doctor  Pearson 
and  that  blustering  Fourcroy  ;  though  I  have  no 
hesitation  in  asserting  (in  privato)  that  my  coun 
tryman  is  right.  But  I  would  submit  to  any  bro 
ther  poet,  who  knows  that 

*  Rhyme  the  nidder  is  of  verses, 

*  By  which,  like  ships ,  they  steer  their  courses.' 

and  whosometimes  like  myself,  is  non-plussecl  fop 
want  of  a  proper  expression  to  convey  an  impor 
tant  idea,  whether  there  need  be  any  other  proof 
of  the  existence  of  the  Uric  Oxyd  than  the  gen 
teel  gingle  thereby  introduced  in  this  my  incom 
parable  poem,  and  the  happy  opportunity  thereby 
afforded  for  mentioning  an  indelicate  matter  in  so 
delicate  a  manner,  that  the  most  delicate  fierscn  in 
existence,  (myself  for  instance)  may  express  the 
thing,  and  preserve  his,  or  her  cheek,  as  free  from 
a  blush  as  a  snow-ball.  Supposing  I  had  said, 
*  Lithic  Acid,'  as  Scheele  and  Fourcroy  would  have 
had  me,  not  a  soul  would  have  understood  it. 


31 

But  I've  a  plan  by  which  our  betters 
May  make  a  few  drops  on  their  letters;  «$ 
And  though  it  be  but  '  monstrous  little,' 
I'll  tell  what  ails  them  to  a  tittle. 

And  since  I  ought,  as  well  as  Jenner, 
To  have  some  pence  to  buy  a  dinner, 
I  shall  solicit  cash  and  thanks 
From  Parl'ment,  for  preventing  franks. 

Oft  have  I  quench'd  man's  vital  spark  : 
'  The  Soul's  old  cottage,'  cold  and  dark, 
Again,  in  spite  of  Death,  our  grand  ill, 
Illum'd  as  one  would  light  a  candle.  27 


26  May  make  a  few  drops  on  their  letters. 

You  will  please,  gentlemen,  to  take  particular 
notice,  that  my  mode  of  consecrating  e-/zzs/-olary 
favours  intended  the  Esculapian  fraternity,  will 
effectually  preclude  the  risk  of  any  accident  hap 
pening  to  a  whole  mail  of  letters,  many  of  which 
are  frequently  neatly  folded,  and  addressed  to  as 
modest  and  delicate  persons  as  any  in  the  king 
dom. 

27  Illum'd  as  one  would  light  a  candle. 

In  my  younger  days  I  lived  on  terms  of  intimacy 
with  Doctor  Franklin,  highly  honourable  to  both 


32 

I've  shewn  a  mode,  in  Latin  thesis, 
To  pick  man's  frail  machine  to  pieces, 


parties,  as  it  showed  we  were  both  men  of  discern 
ment  in  choosing  each  a  great  man  for  his  friend. 

In  a  letter  from  that  venerable  sage,  afterwards 
printed,  (See  franklin's  Worka^  p.  115,  vol.  ii.  3d 
edition)  he  told  me  that  toads  buried  in  sand,  shut 
up  in  hollow  trees,  Sec.  would  live  forever,  as  it 
were  ;  and,  among  other  things,  informed  me  ef 
certain  curious  facts  about  flies,  which  I  will  relate 
in  his  own  words.  '  I  have  seen  an  instance  of 

*  common  flies  preserved  in  a  manner  somewhat 
4  similar.     They   had  been  drowned  in  Madeira 

*  wine,  apparently  about  the  time  when  it  was  bot- 

*  led  in  Virginia,  to  be    sent  to  London.     At  the 

*  opening  of  one  of  the  bottles,  at  the  house  of  a 

*  friend  where  I  was,    three  drowned  flies  fell  into 

*  the  first  glass  which  was  filled.     Having  heard  it 
'  remarked  that  drowned  flies  were  capable  of  be- 
*ing  revived  by  the  rays   of  the  sun,  I  proposed 
'  making  the  experiment  upon  these.     They  were 
'therefore  exposed  to  the  sun  upon  a  sieve,  which 
1  had  been  employed  to   strain  them  out   of  the 

*  wine.     In  less  th&n  three  hours  two  of  them  be- 
*gan  by  degrees  to  recover  life.     They  commen- 
'ced  by  some   convulsive  motions  of  the  thighs, 

*  and  at  length  they  raised  themselves  upon  their 
4  legs,  wiped  their  eyes  with  their  fore  feet,  beat 
4  and  brushed  their  wings   with  their   hin.    feet, 
'and  soon  dftur  began  to  fly,   fimiing   thembdves 
'in  Old  England,  without  knowing  how  they  came 
'thither.     The  third  continued  lifeless  uiuil  sui> 


And  how.  the  same  again  to  botch, 
Just  as  an  artist  does  a  watch  1  a8 


'  set,  when,  losing  all  hopes  of  him,  he  was  throws 
'  away. 

'  1  wish  it  were  possible,  from  this  instance,  to 

*  invent  a  method  of  embalming  drowned  persons, 

*  in  such  a  manner  that  they  might  be  recalled  to 

*  life  at  any  period,  however  distant;  for,  having  a 

*  very  ardent  desire  to  see  and  observe  the  state  of 

*  America  a  hundred  years  hence,  I  should  prefer 
(  to  an  ordinary   death  the  being  immersed  in  a 
1  cask  of  Madeira  wine,  with  a   few  friends,  until 

*  that  time,  then  to  be  recalled  to  life  by  the  solar 

*  warmth   of  my  dear  country.     But  since,  in  all 
f  probability,  we  live  in  an  age  too  early,   and  too 

*  near  the  infancy  of  science,  to  see  such  an  art 

*  brou  ght  in  our  time  to  perfection,   I  must,-  fop 
1  theprewent,  content  myself  with  the  treat,  which 
4  you  are  so-kind  as  to  promise  me,  of  the  resur- 

*  rection  of  a  fowl  or  turkey  cock.' 

Now  if  your  worships  will  be  so  obliging  as  to 
Tnake  me  a  present  of  a  cask  of  Madeira  to  try  the 
experiment,  I  will'certainly  bury  myself  therein 
for  a  century  or  two,  and  1  have  no  doubt  but  J 
shall  be  awakened  with  as  much  facility  as  was 
Endymion,  the  famous  sleeper  of  antiquity,  who 
slept  seventy  years  at  one  nap. 

48  Just  as  an  artist  does  a  watch  ! 

I  do  not  arrogate  to  mysell  the  whole  merit  of 
this  noble  invention.  Dr.  Price  and  Mr.  Godwin, 


34 

Thus  brother  Ovid  said  or  sung  once, 
The  Gods  of  old  folks  could  make  young 


in  divers  elaborate  wojks,  especially  the  latter,  in 
his  '  Political  Justice,'  suggested  some  ideas  which 
set  my  ingenuity  in  such  a  ferment,  that  I  could 
not  rest  quietly  till  I  had  brewed  a  sublime  trea 
tise  on  the  best  mode  of  pulling  down,  repairing, 
and  rebuilding,  decayed  and  worn  out  animal  ma 
chines. 

I  shall  not  attempt,  in  this  place,  to  oblige  your 
worships  with  any  thing  like  a  table  of  the  contents 
of  this  judicious  and  profound  performance.  I 
will,  however,  gratify  your  curiosity  so  far  as  to 
glance  cursorily  at  a  few  of  the  leading  topics 
therein  discussed  and  illustrated,  and  slightly 
mention  some  of  the  immense  advantages  which 
will  be  the  result  of  this  discovery. 

In  the  first  place,  I  make  it  apparent  by  a  long 
series  of  Experiments  and  scientific  deduetions, 
drawn  therefrom,  that  it  is  very  practicable  to  en 
lighten  the  mind  of  a  stupid  fellow,  by  battering, 
boring,  or  pulling  his  body  to  pieces.  Mr.  poet 
Waller's  authority  is  here  to  my  purpose,  who 
tells  us,  that 

4  The  soul's  dark  cottage  batter' d  and  decay 'd, 
•*  Lets  in  new  light  through  chinks  which  time 
has  made.' 

Mr.  Grey,  likewise,  in  his  l  Hymn  to  Adversity  J 
requests  that '  Daughter  of  Jove'  to  impose  gently 
her  '  iron  hand,'  and  trouble  him  a  little  with  her 
*  torturing  hour,'  although  he  appears  disposed 
to  avgid,  if  possible,  her  more  dismal  accompani- 


85 

By  process,  not  one  whit  acuter, 
Than  making  new  pots  from  old  pewter 

ments,  such  as  her  <  Gorgonic  frown,'  and  the 
*  funeral  cry  of  horror.' 

The  Spaniards,  under  Cortes  and  Pizarro,  ma* 
naged  much  in  the  same  way,  and  enlightened 
the  natives  of  the  mighty  empires  of  Peru  and 
Mexico  in  the  Great  Truths  of  Christianity,  by 
killing  a  part,  reducing. the  remainder  to  a  state 
of  servitude,  and  battering  their  souls'  cottages  at 
their  leisure.  This  process  is  in  part  expressed 
in  a  Poetical  Epistle,  which  I  received  not  long 
since  from  my  correspondent  settled  at  Terra  del 
Fuego,  in  South  America,  who  thus  expresses  the 
conduct  of  some  of  his  acquaintance,  in  converting 
the  Aborigines  to  Christianity. 


Good  folks  to  America  came 
To  curtail  old  Satan's  dominions  ; 
The  natives,  the  more  to  their  shamq, 
Stuck  fast  to  their  ancient  opinions. 

Till  a  method  the  pious  men  find, 
Which  ne'er  had  occur'd  to  your  dull  witi, 
Of  making  sky-lights  to  the  mind, 
By  boring  the  body  with  bullets, 


Like  Waller,  with  process  so  droll, 
To  illume  an  old  clod-pated  noddy; 
They  thought  they  might  burnish  the 
By  beating  a  hole  in  the  body. 


36 

So  fam'd  Aldini,  erst  in  France, 
Led  dead  folks  down  a  contra-dance, 


I  have  read  of  a  great  mathematician,  who  wat 
uncommonly  stupid  till  about  the  age  of  twenty, 
when  he  .accidentally  pitched  head  first  into  a  deep 
well,  fractured  his  Scull,  and  it  became  necessary 
to  trepan  him.  \  After  the  operation  it  was  imme 
diately  evident  that  his  wit  was  much  improved, 
and  he  soon  became  a  prodigy  of  intellect.  Whe 
ther  this  alteration  was  caused  by  4  new  light  let 
4  in  through  chinks,'  the  trepanning  chissel  had 
made,  or  whether  the  texture  and  position  of 
the  brain  were  materially  changed  for  the  better, 
in  consequence  of  the  jar  and  contusion  of  the 
fall,  I  shall  leave  to  some  future  Lavater,  or  any- 
other  gentleman,  who  can  guage  the  capacity  of 
a  statesman,  or  a  barrel  of  porter,  with  equal-faci 
lity,  to  determine. 

2d.  I  proceed  to  demonstrate  that  man  being, 
as  our  most  enlightened  modern  philosophers  al 
low,  jumbled  together  by  mere  Chance  (a  blind 
capricious  Cioddess,  who,  half  her  time,  does  not 
know  what  she  is  about)  it  is  extremely  easy  to 
understand  the  principles  of  his  texture  ;  because 
the  mechanism  of  his  frame  is  less  intricate  than 
that  of  a  common  spit  jack.  Consequently  a  So 
lomon  or  a  Brodum  can  mend  this  muchine  when 
deranged  as  well  as  a  Harvey,  a  Sydenham,  or  a 
Mead. 

2d.  Iproceed  to  prove,  from  analogy,  with  what 
facility  this  machine  may  be  disjointed,  pulled  to 
pieces,  and  again  botched  together.  My  friend 
Mahomet  had  his  heart  taken  out,  a  drop  of  black 


37 

And  made  them  rigadoon  and  chassee 
As  well  as  when  alive,  I  dare  say  !3° 


blood  expressed  therefrom,  and  went  about  his 
common  concerns  next  day,  as  well  as  ever.  So 
when  a  sighing  swain  is  taken  desperately  in  love, 
he  may  lose  all  his  insides  without  any  very  serious 
inconvenience.  This  I  can  attest  from  sad  exfie- 
riencej  as,  about  forty  years  since,  I  was  terri 
bly  in  for't,  with  a  sweet  little  sprig  of  divinity, 
whose  elbow  was  ever  her  most  prominent  feature, 
whenever  I  had,  the  audacity  to  attempt  to  ap 
proximate  the  shrine  of  her  Goddesship. 

4th.  The  important  advantages,  which  will  un 
doubtedly  arise  from  this  invention,  are  almost 
too  obvious  to  require  explanation.  I  shall  how 
ever  advert  to  a  few. 

By  taking  the  animal  machine  to  pieces,  you 
may  divest  it  of  such  particles  as  clog  its  wheels, 
and  render  its  motions  less  perfect.  A  decayed 
worn-out  gallant  may  have  its  parts  separated, 
thoroughly  burnished,  botched  together,  and  ren 
dered  as  bright  as  a  new-coined  silver  sixpence. 
Thus  my  venerable  Piccadilly  friend,  (c/)  who,  as 
Darwin  expresses  it,  sometimes  '  clasps  a  beauty 
in  Platonic  arms,'  if  he  should,  fifty  years  hence, 
perceive  that  the  mechanism  of  his  frame  is  rather 
the  worse  for  wear,  may  come  to  Dr.  Caustic,  and 
be  rebuilt  into  as  fine  a  young  Buck  as  any  in 
Christendom. 

5th.  Hereditary  diseases  may  be  thus  culled 
from  the  constitution,  and  gouty  and  other  dele 
terious  particles  separated  from  those  which  are 
sound  and  healthful. 

G 


38 

And  I  once  offer'd,  very  prettily, 

To  patch  up  Frenchmen  kilPd  in  Italy, 


Pride  may  be  picked  from  the  composition  of 
an  upstart  mushroom  of  a  nobleman,  impudence 
from  a  quack,  knavery  from  a  lawyer,  morose- 
ness  from  a  monk,  testiness  from  an  old  bache 
lor,  peevishness  from  an  old  maid,  in  short,  man 
kind  altered  from  what  they  are  to  what  they 
ought  to  be,  by  a  method  at  once  cheap,  practica 
ble,  easy  and  expeditious. 

The  only  difficulty  which  has  ever  opposed  itT 
self  to  my  carrying  this  sublime  invention  to  the 
highest  possible  pitch  of  perfection,  has  been  the 
almost  utter  impossibility  of  procuring  any  man, 
woman,  or  child,  who  is  willing  to  become  the 
subject  of  operation.  Now  if  either  of  your  wor 
ships  would  loan  me  his  carcase  to  be  picked  to 
pieces,  and  again  botched  together  in  the  manner 
above  stated,  provided  the  experiment  should  not 
fully  succeed,  I  will  engage  to  pay  all  the  damages 
thereby  accruing  to  community  out  of  one  tenth 
part  of  the  profits  of  this  publicatiyn. 


*9  The  Gods  of  old  folks  could  make  z/oww^ones, 

• «   stricto  Medea  recludit 

Ense  senis  jugulum  :  veteremque  exire  cruorem 
Passa,  replet  succis.    Quos  postquam  combibit  JEson 
Aut  ore  acceptos,  aut  vulnere  barba,  corrueque 
Canitie  posita  nigrum  rapuere  colorem. 
Fulsa  fugit  macies. 

This  passage,  with  a  condensation  of  thought  and 


39 

Tho'  shot,  or  stabb'd,  or  hack'd  with  fell 
As  wives  patch  coats  when  out  at  elbows  I 

Profoundly  vcrs'd  in  chemic  science, 
I  could  bid  mutter's  laws  defiance; 


felicity  of  expression  peculiar  to  myself,  I  ha.ve 
thus  happily  hit  into  English. 

Media  cut  the  wither'd  weasand 
Of  superannuated  Eson, 
Then  fill'd  him  with  the  acrid  juices 
Of  nettle-tops  and  flower-de-luces; 
Till  from  the  defunct  carcase,  lo  1 
Started  a  dashing  Bond-Street  beau  !  I 


3d  As  well  as  when  alive,  I  dare  say  ! 

The  feats  which  our  daily  and  monthly  publica 
tions  have  informed  us  were  achieved  in  Paris  by 
this  magician,  before  his  arrival  in  England,  must 
be  fresh  in  the  recollection  of  every  person.  The 
only  reason  why  he  did  not  exhibit  dead  people  in. 
hornpipes  andcontradances,  while  in  London,  was 
the  want  of  proper  subjects  for  Galvanic  experi 
ments.  The  tedious  operation  of  English  gallowses 
in  extinguishing  life  renders  the  bodies  cold  and 
unsusceptible  of  any  excitement  ;  whereas  the 
clipping  French  Guillotine  will  instantly  turn  them 
over  to  the  operator  in  a  state  susceptible  of  the 
slightest  stimulus.  This  fact  affords  a  scientific 
and  conclusive  argument  in  favour  of  the  French 
Revolution. 


40 

Was  up  to  Nature,  or  beyond  her, 

In  mimic  earthquakes,  rain,  and  thunder?  31 

31  In  mimic  earthquakes,  rain,  and  thunder ! 

Chemistry  furnishes  us  with  a  method  of  manu 
facturing  artificial  earthquakes,  which  will  have 
all  the  great  effects  of  those  that  are  natural. 
The  old-fashioned  receipt  for  an  earthquake,  how 
ever,  of  iron  filings  and  sulphur  mixed  in  certain, 
proportions  and  immersed  in  the  earth,  I  shall  not 
take  the  trouble  to  state  to  your  worships  ;  as  most 
of  you  have,  perhaps,  read  Mr.  Martin's  Philoso 
phy  nearly  half  through.  But  my  plan  is  to  make 
such  an  earthquake  as  no  mortal,  except  Dr.  Dar 
win  and  myself,  ever  supposed  possible.  The 
former  gentleman  made  shift  to  explode  the  moon 
from  the  Southern  Hemisphere  of  our  earth,  and 
I  propose  to  forward  another  moon,  by  an  artificial 
earthquake  of  my  own  invention,  from  the  Northern 
Hemisphere,  unless  Dr.  Young's  comet,  as  men 
tioned  in  Note  10,  should  render  such  moon  un 
necessary.  I  will  give  your  worships  a  specimen, 
of  Dr.  Darwin's  moon-producing  earthquake,  from 
•*  Botanic  Garden,'  Canto  ii. 

«  Gnomes  !  How  you  shriek'd  !  When  through 

the  troubled  air, 

4  Roar'd  the  fierce  din  of  elemental  war  ; 
4  When  rose  the  continents,  and  sunk  the  main, 
«  And  earth's  huge  sphere  exploding  burst  in 

twain. — 
'Gnomes!   How  you  gaz'd!   When  from  her 

wounded  side, 
'  Where  now  the  south  sea  heaves  its  waste  of 

tide, 


41 

And  by  a  shock  of  electricity, 
(I  tell  the  truth  without  duplicity) 


*  Rose  on  swift  wheels  the  MOON'S  refulgent  car, 
4  Circling  the  solar  orb,  a  sister  star, 

*  Dimpleclwith  vales  with  shining  hills  emboss'd, 
4  And  roll'd  round  earth  her  airless  realms  of 

frost.' 

No  man  will  say  in  this  case,— 

Parturiunt  montes  nascitur  ridiculus  mus. 

The  reaction,  at  the  moment  of  explosion,  oftbat 
mass  of  matter  which  now  composes  our  moon,  is 
the  cause  of  the  obliquity  of  the  polar  axis  to  the 
poles  of  the  ecliptic,  according  lo  Dr.  Darwin; 
though  Milton  says, 


•Angels  turn'd  askance 


'  The  poles  of  earth  twice  ten  degrees  and  more : 

*  From  the  sun's  axle,  they  with  labour  push'd 

*  Oblique  the  centric  globe.' 

Whether  an  explosion  similar  to  that,  so  beauti 
fully  described  by  Dr.  Darwin,  from  the  north  side 
of  the  equator,  would  not  set  all  right,  and  a  new 
era  be  announced,  which  will  be,  like  that  of  old, 
when 


Spring 


Perpetual  sojii'don  earth,  with  vernal  flowers, 
*  Equal  in  days  and  nights". 

is  a  problem  worth  the  attention  of  our  modern 
philosophers.     But  at  any  rate,  1  Dr.  Caustic  will- 
positively,  try  the  experiment. 
G  2 


42 

I  did  (what  won't  again  be  soon  done) 

E'en  fairly  knock  the  man  in  the  moon  down !  3* 

Could  tell  how  Nature  works  her  matters 
In  making  brutes  and  human  creatures  : 
Gave  long,  detail' d,  authentic  histories, 
Of  all  that  lady's  nameless  mysteries. 


Now  as  to  my  c  rain  and  thunder'  I  have  only  to 
inform  your  worships  that  I  have  a  wife,  and  she  is 
the  very  essence  of  a  Xantippe,  the  yoke-fellow  of 
Socrates.  You  well  remember  the  observation 
of  that  sage,  when  she  supplied  him  with  a  vast 
quamity  of  those  articles,  purporting,  that  after 
such  violent  peals  of  thunder  a  shower  of  rain 
must  necessarily  follow. 

3a  E'en  fuirly  knock  the  man  in  the  moon  down! 
This  notable  exploit  I  think  to  be  a  very  great 
improvement  on  electrical  experiments  made  by 
a  number  of  renowned  French  and  English  philo 
sophers.  [See  Priestley's  History  of  Electricity^ 
page  94.]  But  for  this,  with  many  other  matters 
equally  interesting  and  magnipotent,  Flutist  refer 
the  inquisitive  to  the  Appendix  of  my  Fool's  Cap 
Folio  volume,  on  the  Tadpolian  Discovery.  It 
may,  however,  be  necessary,  in  order  to  shew  the 
extent  to  which  1  have  surpassed  those  philoso 
phers,  just  to  s'atc,  that  the  Frenchmen  commu 
nicated  the  shock  only  about  tv\o  miles  and  an  half, 
and  our  own  countrymen,  with  the, present  bishop 
of  Land  ff  (Watson)  at  their  head;  wly  about  fouv 
miles  and  an  half. 


43. 

I  learnt  these  from  as  nice  a  rabbit 
As  naturalist  could  wish  to  nab  at.  33 
With  toads  and  tadpoles  made  as  many 
Experiments  as  Spallanzani.  34 

33  As  naturalist  could  wish  to  nab  at. 

Such  a  gentleman  as  he  who  honoured  the  Royal 
Society  with  that  most  interesting  communication 
in  the  Philosophical  Transactions,  vol.  Ixxxvii.p.  197. 

I  cannot  express  the  degree  of  my  contempt  for 
an  obscure  ignoramus,  who,  in  a  scurvy  pamphlet 
called  c  Pursuits  of  Literature^'  has  endeavoured 
to  bespatter  the  above  gentleman,  and  cast  an  ob 
loquy  on  certain  useful  and  diverting  experiments 
by  him  instituted.  I  trust  I  need  say  nothing 
more  to  shew  the  great  impudence  and  folly  of 
this  scribler,  than  to  simply  adduce  his  own  most 
absurd  and  unreasonable  comments.  *  Surely  to 
4  sit  calmly,  and  watch  with  an  impure,  inhuman, 

*  and  unhallowed  curiosity,    the   progress  of  the 

*  desires,   and  the  extinction  of  the  natural  passi- 
4  ons  of  devoted  animals,  after   such  mutilations 

*  and  experiments,    is  a  practice  useless,  wicked, 

*  degrading,  and  barbarous.' 

34  Experiments  as  Spallanzani. 

I  have  been  the  more  solicitous  to  eulogize  this 
great  Philosopher,  that  1  might  thereby  establish 
my  own  reputation  as  zfiolitc  and  fashionable  wri 
ter.  For  thus  1  implicitly  follow  the  laudable  ex 
ample  of  most  of  tne  truly  gentlemen  literati  in 
Europe,  who  have  vied  with  each  other  in  doling 
out  the  incense  of  their  admiration  at  the  altar  of 


44 

But  what  surpasses,  you'll  admit, 
All  former  bounds  of  human  wit, 


this  demi*god  of  aft  Abbs.  Such,  however,  was 
the  tendency  to  public  utility,  and  to  the  mitiga 
tion  of  the  sufferings  of  humanity,  evident  in  the 
multifarious  pursuits  of  this  philosopher,  that  cer 
tainly  the  most  rigid  theologian  would  acknowledge 
that  a  moderate  adoration  of  Spallanzani  is  not  the 
most  atrocious  kind  of  idolatry.  It  is  notorious  that 
this  said  Abbe  Was  a  very  pious  as  well  as  deli 
cate,  polite,  humane,  gentle,  genteel  gentleman, Sec. 

Now  if  my  friend,  Mr.  Pope  Pius  VII.  does  not 
immediately  canonize  Saint  Spallanzani,  We,  Dr. 
Caustic,  will  cannonade,  him,  and  blaze  forth  our  Bull 
from  our  garret,  well  peppered  with  anathemas, 
and  then  his  Pontifical  Dignity-ship  will  be  forced 
to  dotf  his  Tiara,  and  acknowledge  that  We  have 
fairly  out-thundered  all  the  thunders  of  his  own 
Vatican. 

But  to  return  from  thhjlaming  digression.  All 
literary  men  (as  before  intimated)  agree,  (but  the 
Writer  of  the  article  *  Spallanzani'  in  the  Encyclo 
pedia  Britannica  has  more  particularly  enforced 
the  idea),  that  the  most  prominent  traits  in  the 
character  of  the  Abbe,  were  humanity^  modeatfosaid 
modesty  of  sentiment.  Indeed  these  features  are  ap 
parent  from  the  Gentleman's  own  accounc  of  the 
numerous  progeny,  to  which  he  was  instrumen 
tal  in  giving  existence,  among  motley  tribes  of 
frogs,  tadpoles,  toads,  silkv,  orms,  and  salamanders. 
*  See  bfiattanzani's  Dissertations  oil  Animals  and  Vcgt- 
tudkif)'  vol.  ii. 


45 

I  form'ci,  by  chemical  contrivance, 
A  little  homo  all  alive  once  !  35 


But  what  most  ravishes  me  is  that  famous  ex 
periment  on  one  of  the  canine  race,  whose  superb 
result  was,  as  he  himself  tells  us,  a  beautiful  litter 
of '  three  whelps,  two  males,  and  one  female  1' 

For  reasons  which  appear  to  me  satisfactory,  I 
"must  deny  myself  the  privilege  of  giving  your 
worships  a  detail  of  the  Abbe's  curious  manoeuvres 
in  the  course  of  this  last  experiment ;  but  your 
curiosity  will  be  amply  gratified,  by  turning  to 
page  150,  vol.  H.  of  the  aforesaid  work  of  Spal- 
lanzani.  I  would,  however,  most  earnestly  recom 
mend  to  any  resolute  inquirer,  who  is  determined 
to  know  the  bottom  of  this  business,  to  anticifiate 
the  operation  which  he  may  be  assured  the  peru 
sal  of  the  said  volume  of  Spalianzani  will  otherwise 
have  on  theanimalsy^tetn,  by  previously  swallow 
ing  an  emetic ;  as  to  be  engaged  in  such  an  ope- 
-ration,  at  the  time  of  reading,  must  certainly  be 
inconvenient. 

Indeed  I  have  had  it  in  contemplation  to  recom 
mend  the  perusal  of  almost  any  page  in  any  of  the 
works  of  this  great  naturalist,  as  a  succedaneum 
for  Tartar-emetic,  Ipecac,  and  other  drugs  of  si 
milar  qualities;  but  a  subsequent  weighty  con 
sideration  induced  me  to  suspend,  for  the  present, 
any  determination  of  that  kind,  to  wit,  that  it 
might  militate  against  the  interest  of  our  trade. 

That  Dr.  Darwin  supposed  that  the  researches 
ef  SpalUinzani  would  terminate  in  some  wonderful 


46 

And,  gcntleihen,  myself  I  fl;ittei% 
You'll  think  this  last  a  mighty  matter; 


I.usus  Natur^  is  apparent  from  what  he  has  in 
formed  us,  PAytofogifi)  p.  119.     '  It  is  not  impos"- 

*  sible,  as  some  philosopher  has  already  supposed* 
-*  if  Sp-illanzuni  should  continue  his  experiments', 

*  that  some  beautiful  productions  might  be  gene* 
4  rated  between  the  vegetable  and  the  animal  king- 

*  doms,  like  the   Eastern   fublc  of  ihe  rose   and 

*  nightingale!!!!  !!  !i' 

33  A  little  homo  all  alive  once ! 

As  soon  as  I  shall  have  accomplished  the  all* 
important  task  of  procuring  your  worships  assist* 
ance  in  unclenching  the  4  hard  hand  of  pinching 

*  poverty,'  which,   I  assure  you,    most  cordially 
gripes  me  at   present,   I  intend   to  surprise    the 
learned  world  with  an  elegant  volume,  decorated 
with  highly  finished  engravings,  giving  in  detail 
a  profoundly  scientific  history  of  the  origin,  pro 
gress,  and  consummation  of  this  my  ne  plus  uitru, 
this  my  most  sublime  of  all  sublime  discoveries. 
And,  gentlemen,  if  you  do  not,  as  Dr.  Lettsom  says, 
'  Dip  your  pens  inastherial  and  indelible  ink,'  and 

puff  away,  I  shall  think  you  are  a  set  of , 

but  not  to  call  names. 

In  a  civil,  humble,  and  complaisant  way,  I  in- 
treat  you  to  suspend  for  the  present  any  idle  cu 
riosity  relative  to  this  my  great  achievement.  Not 
a  syllable  relative  to  my  new  species  of  manufac 
ture  must  escape  before  the  whole  is  fairly  laid 
open  to  public  inspection.  Without  this  useful 
precaution,  some  bungling  operator  may  hazard 
the  production  of  a  new-fanglecl  order  of  beings. 


47 

That,  trac'd  through  all  its  consequences, 
The  good  resulting  most  immense  is. 

'Tis  of  pre-eminent  utility 

TO  all  our  gentry  and  nobility, 

Who  have  estates  and  things  appendant, 

Without  a  lineal  descendant. 

For  they  may  come,  and  ope  their  cases, 
And  I'll  make  heirs  to  noble  races; 
By  process  sure  as  scale  of  Gunter, 
On  plan  improv'd  from  surgeon  Hunter. 


bearing  no  more  affinity  to  the  human  species, 
than  a  lap-dog  to  a  wolf,  a  cat  to  a  tiger,  or  a  mon 
key  to  a  maru  And  as  I  propose  to  solicit  his 
Majesty's  Letters  Patent  for  the  exclusive  right 
to  all  emoluments,  Sec.  belonging,  or  anywise  tip- 
pertaining,  to  this  my  most  curious  invention,  I 
could  wish  that  no  spurious  wares  might  be  palmed 
on  the  public  to  the  prejudice  of  the  patent. 

I  think  it  right,  in  this  place,  to  give  notice,  that 
unless  I  should  be  patronised  in  proportion  to  the 
merits  of  the  great  achievements  herein  announc-r 
ed,  I  will  absolutely  offer  my  services  to  Bona 
parte,  and  manufacture  an  heir  to  the 
pjnperor  of  the  Gauls. 


48 

No  scheme  like  mine  was  ever  known, 
Not  e'en  to  Doctors  of  Sorbonne  ; 
Or  which  one  twentieth  part  so  nice  is, 
For  rooting  out  your  crim.  con.  vices 

And  though  I  might,  with  great  propriety^ 
Propose  my  plan  to  your  society  $ 
For  certain  reasons,  I'll  not  urge  ye, 
But  lay  the  thing  before  the  clergy. 

These,  among  many,  are  but  few, 
Of  mighty  things  which  I  could  do  ; 
All  which  I'll  state,  if  'tis  your  pleasure, 
Much  more  at  large  when  more  at  leisure. 

Now  it  appears  from  what  I  state  here, 
My  plans  for  mending  human  nature 
Entitle  me  to  take  the  chair 
From  Rbsseau,  Godwin,  or  Voltaire. 

They  are  of  most  immense  utility, 
All  tend  to  man's  perfectibility  ; 
And  if  pursu'd,  I  dare  to  venture  ye, 
Jle'li  be  an  angel  in  a  century. 


49 

Although  St.  Pierre,  a  knowing  chap, 
Deserves  a  feather  in  his  cap, 
For  having  boldly  set  his  foot  on 
The  foolish  trash  of  Isaac  jgewton ;  3$ 

36  The  foolish  trash  of  Isaac  Newton. 

See  l  Studies  of  A'atureJ  by  St.  Pierre,  in  which 
that  scheming  philosopher  has,  with  wonderful 
adroitness,  swept  away  the  cobweb  calculations  of 
one  Isaac  Newton.  Indeed  1  never  much  admired 
the  writings  of  the  last  mentioned  gentleman,  for 
the  substantial  reasons  following. 

In  the  first  place,  the  inside  of  a  man's  noddle 
must  be  better  furnished  than  that  of  St.  Pierre, 
or  he  will  never  be  able  to  comprehend  them. 

Secondly,  it  would  be  impossible  to  manufacture 
a  system,  like  that  of  St.  Pierre,  accounting  for 
the  various  phenomena  of  nature,  in  a  new  and 
simple,  method,  if  one  were  obliged  to  proceed, 
like  Newton,  in  his  c  PrincifiiaJ  in  a  dull,  plodding, 
mathematical  manner,  and  firove,  or  even  render 
probable*  the  things  he  asserts.  But  by  taking 
some  facts  for  granted,  without  proof,  omitting 
to  mention  such  as  militate  against  a  favourite 
theory,  we  may,  with  great  facility,  erect  a  splen 
did  edifice  of  l  airy  nothings,'  founded  on  hypo 
theses  without  foundation. 

The  said  Isaac  had  taken  it  into  his  head  that 

the  earth's  equatorial  was  longer   than  its  polar 

diameter.     This   he  surmised  from  the  circum- 

.stance  of  a  pendulum  vibrating  slower  near  die 

H 


60 

Contrived  a  scheme,  which  very  nice  is, 
For  making  tides  of  polar  ices. 


equator  than  near  the  pole,  apd  finding  that  the 
centrifugal  force  of  the  earth  would  not  fully  ac 
count  for  the  difference  between  the  lime  of  the 
vibrations  at -Cayenne  and  at  Paris. 

This,  with  other  reasons  equally  plausible,  led 
him  to  suppose  that  the  earth  was  flatted  near  the 
poles,  in  the  form  of  an  oblate  spheroid,  and  that 
a  degree  of  latitude  would,  of  consequence,  be 
greater  near  the  pole  than  at  the  equator.  Ac 
tual  admeasurement  coincided  with  that  conclu 
sion. 

The  Abbe  St.  Pierre,  however,  possessing  a 
most  laudable  ambition  to  manufacture  tides  from 
polar  ices,  and  thus  to  overturn  Sir  Isaac's  theory 
relative  to  the  moon's  influence  in  producing  those 
phenomena,  and  finding  it  somewhat  convenient 
for  that  purpose  to  place  his  poles  at  a  greater 
distance  from  the  center  of  gravity  cLan  the  equa 
tor,  accordingly  took  that  liberty.  He  likewise 
had  another  substantial  reason  therefor.  Unless 
his  polar  diameter  was  longer  than  his  equatorial, 
the  tides,  being  caused  by  the  fusion  of  polar 
ices,  must  flow  up  hill. 

He  therefore  drew  a  beautiful  diagram  with 
which  a  triangle  would,  (according  to  the  scheme 
of  the  author  of  '  The  leaves  of  the  Triangles,'  im- 
'  proved  from  Dr.  Darwin's  '  Loves  of  the  Plants'), 
certainly  fall  in  love  at  first  sight.  (See  page 
xxxiv.  Pref.  Studies  of  Nature.}  In  displaying  his 
geometrical  skill  in  this  diagram,  however,  he 
took  care  to  forget  that  there  was  some  little  dif 


51 

And  fed  old  Ocean's  tub  with  fountains, 
From  Arctic  and  Antarctic  mountains. 

Though  Godwin  (bless  him)  told  us  how 
To  make  a  clever  sort  of  plough,  37 
Which  would  e'uri  set  itsulf  to  work, 
And  plough  an  acre  in  a  jerk. 


ference  between  an  06/0773*  and  an  oblate  spheroid,— 
That  flatting  the  earth's  surface,  either  in  a  direc^ 
tion  perpendicular  or  parallel  to  the  poles,  would 
increase  the  length  of  a  degree  of  latitude  by  de 
creasing  the  earth's  convexity. — That  neither  an 
oblate,  nor  an  oblong  spheroid  was  quite  so  spheri 
cal  as  a  perfect  sphere.  This  was  very  proper, 
because  such  facts  would  have  been  conclusive 
against  his  new  Theory  of  the  Tides. 

37  To  make  a  clever  sort  of  plough. 

If  you  wish,  gentlemen,  to  know  any  thing  far 
ther  relative  to  this  instinctive  plough,  you  will 
take  the  trouble  to  consult  Mr.  Godwin's  '  Political 
Justice^  in  which  you  will  find  almost  as  many- 
sublime  and  practicable  schemes  for  ameliorating 
the  condition  of  man,  as  in  this  very  erudite  work 
of  my  own,  Let  it  not  be  inferred,  from  my  not 
enlarging  upon  the  present  and  other  schemes  of 
this  philosopher,  that  I  would  regard  him  as  one 
whit  inferior  to  any  other  modern  philosopher  ex 
isting,  not  even  excepting  his  friend  Holcroft; 
but  the  necessity  of  expatiating  on  the  redundancy 


Though  Price's  projects  are  so  clever, 
They  shew  us  how  to  live  for  ever ;  3^ 
Unless  we  blunder,  to  our  cost, 
And  break  our  heads  against  a  post ! 

Though  Darwin,  thinking  to  dismay  us, 
Made  dreadful  clattering  in  chaos, 
And  formed,  with  horrid  quakes  t'  assist  him, 
His  new  exploded  solar  system.  39 


of  Mr.  Godwin's  merits,  is  totally  precluded  by 
the  unbounded  fame  which  his  chant e  productions 
have  at  length  acquired  among  the  virtuous  and 
respectable  classes  in  community. 

38  They  shew  us  how  to  live  for  ever. 

The  learned  Dr.  Price,  in  his  *  Tracts  on  Civil 
*  Liberty,'  assures  us  that  such  sublime  discoveries 
will  be  hereafter  made  by  men  of  science  (mean 
ing  such  as  Dr.  Caustic),  that  it  will  be  possible 
to  cure  the  disease  of  old  age,  give  man  a  per 
petual  sublunary  existence,  anc|  introduce  the  mil- 
lenium,  by  natural  causes. 

39  His  new  exploded  solar  system. 

«  Through  all  the  realms  the  kindling  ether  runs, 
«  And  the  mass  starts  into  a  million  suns ; 
f  Earths  round  each  sun  with  quick  explosions  burgt, 
*  And  second  planets  issue  from  the  first ; 


53 

These  wights,  when  taken  altogether, 
Are  but  the  shadow  of  a  feather  ; 


•  Bend,  as  they  journey  with  projectile  force, 
«  In  bright  ellipses  their  reluctant  course ; 

1  Orbs  wheel  in  orbs,  round  centers  centers  roll, 

*  And  form,  self-balanc'd,  one  revolving  whole,' 

Botanic  Garden^  Canto  i. 

This  sublime  philosopher  has  been  most  atro 
ciously  squibbed  in  the-  following  performance, 
which  I  can  assure  yon,  gentlemen,  is  not  mine ; 
and,  if  I  could  meet  with  the  author,  I  would 
teach  him  better  than  to  bespatter  my  favourite 
with  the  filth  of  his  obloquy. 

*  Lines  on  a  certain  Philosopher,  who  maintains 

*  that  ail  continents  and  islands  were  thrown  from 
4  the  sea  by  volcanoes ;  and  that  all  animal  life 

*  originally  sprang  from  the  exuvia  of  fishes.    His 
4  family  arms  are  three  scallop  shells,   and  his 

*  motto  "  Omnia  e  Conchis.". 

«  FSOM  atoms  in  confusion  hurl'd, 
'  Old  Epicurus  built  a  world;— 
«  Maintain'd  that  all  was  accidental, 
'  Whether  corporeal  powers,  or  mental; 
'  That  feet  were  not  devis'd  for  walking, 
'  For  eating  teeth;  nor  tongues  for  talking; 
«  But  CHANCE,  the  casual  texture  made, 
1  And  thus  each  member  found  its  trade. 
'  And  in  this  hodge-podge  of  stark  nonsense, 
•  He  buried  virtue,  truth,  and  conscience— 
H  2 


Compared  with  Caustic,  even  as 
A  puff  of  hydrogenous  gas- 
But  I,  in  spite  of  my  renown,  - 
Alas!  am  harrass'd,  hunted  down; 
Completely  damn'd,  the  simple  fact  is, 
By  PERKINS'S.METALLIC  PRACTICE  ! 40 


«  Darwin  at  last  resolves  to  list 

*  Under  this  grand  cosmogonist. 
'  He  too  renounces  his  Creator, 

'  And  solves  all  sense  from  senseless  matter; 

*  Makes  men  start  up  from  dead  fish  bones, 

*  As  old  Deucalion  did  from  stones; 

'  Forms  mortals  quick  as  eyes  could  twinkle, 

*  From  lobster,  crab,  and  periwinkle — 

'  Oh  Doctor!  Change  thy  foolish  motto, 

*  Or  keep  it  for  some  lady's  grotto ; 

'  Else  thy  poor  patients  well  may  quake, 

*  If  thou  can  no  more  mend  than  make— 

4»  By  PERKINS'S  METALLIC  PRACTICE. 

Here  comes  the  HYDRA,  which  you  Herculean 
gentlemen  are  requested  to  destroy ;  but  the  means, 
by  which  this  great  end  is  to  be  accomplished, 
be  fully  pointed  out  in  the  succeeding  Cantos. 


55 

Our  should-be  wise  anil  learn' d  societies 
Are  guilty  of  great  improprieties, 
In  treating  me  in  manner  scandalous, 
As  if  I  were  a  very  Vandal ;  thus 

Determined,  as  T  have  no  doubt, 

My  sun  of  genius  to  put  out, 

Which,  once  extinct,  they  think  that  so  'tis 

Their  glow-worm  lights  may  claim  some  notice, 

Such  hum -drum  heads  and  hollow  hearts 
Pretend,  forsooth,  t'  encourage  arts! 
But  that  pretence,  in  every  sense  is, 
The  flimsiest  of  all  pretences. 

Those  noble-spirited  Miecenasses 
To  me  have  shewn  the  greatest  meannesses ; 
Have  granted  me  for  these  things  said  all 
Not  one  half-penny,  nor  a  medal !  !  ! 


CANTO    II 

CONJURATIONS ! 


jtRGUMEJfT, 

THE  Bard  proceeds  like  one  that's  striving 
To  practise  Arnall's  (<?)  art  of  diving  ; 
Presents  sublime  and  strange  narrations 
Of  wizards,  ghosts,  and  conjurations; 
Next  tours  in  Delia  Cruscan  stile 
Above  old  Homer,  half  a  mile  ; 
And  flutters  round  in  airy  region,     t 
Just  like  a  wild-goose  or  a  pigeon  ; 
Fir'd  with  the  theme  of  Haygarth's  praises 
Until  his  rapture  fairly  blazes  : 
Then  in  a  duel  shews  more  prowess, 
Than  Vandal  that  e'er  was,  or  now  is. 

Now  I'm  a  man  so  meek  and  humble, 
I  don't  allow  myself  to  grumble, 
Am  loth  your  patience  thus  to  batter, 
But  starving  is  a  serious  matter  !  4* 


4*  But  starving  is  a  serious  matter! 

Many  a  worthy  London  Alderman  will  most 
feelingly  sigh  a  dolorous  response  to  this  pathetic 
complaint. 


.58 

Another  reason  too,  may't  please  ye, 
Why  thus  I  dare  presume  to  tease  ye  ; 
If  you  my  wrongs  should  not  redress, 
We  all  must  be  in  one  sad  mess  1  41 

The  credit  of  our  craft  b  waning, 
Then  rouse  at  this  my  gad  complaining  ; 

42  We  all  must  be  in  one  sad  mess  ! 
The  sound  is  here  a  most  correct  echo  to  the 
sense;  like  the 


of  HOMER  ;  the 

Quadrupedante  putrem  sonitu  quatit.  ungula 
campum, 

of  VIRGIL;  the 

Many  a  lusty  thwack  and  bang, 
of  BUTLER  ; 

And  ten  low  words  oft  creep  in  one  dull  line, 

of  POPE,  8cc.  Indeed^  gentlemen,  I  shall  almost 
be  tempted  to  pronounce  that  person  a  sorry  sort 
of  a  simpleton,  who  does  not  see,  or  seem  to  see, 
the  lengthened  visage  and  hanging  lip  of  our 
learned  Esculapian  Fraternity,  depicted  with  the 
phiz-hitting  pencil  of  a  Hogarth,  in  these  eight 
beautiful  and  appropriate  monosyllables. 


59 

For,  though  my  fate  now  seem  the  rougher. 
Still  you  as  well  as  /  must  suffer. 

Behold  !  A  rising  INSTITUTION,  43  (/) 

To  spread  Perkinean  delusion  ; 

Supported  by  a  set  of  sturdy  men, 

Dukes,  quakers,  doctors,  lords,  and  clergymen  1 

Unblushing  at  the  knavish  trick, 
I  fear  these  fellows  soon  will  kick 
(A  thing  of  all  things  most  uncivil) 
One  half  our  physic  to  the  d-v-1 ! 

And  then,  alas  !  your  worships  may 
Be  forc'd  to  moil  the  live  long  day, 
With  hammer,  pickaxe,  spade,  or  shovel, 
And  nightly  tenant  some  old  hovel. 


43  Behold  a  rising  INSTITUTION. 

The  builders  of  this  second  edition  of  the  Tow 
er  of  Babel  must  be  confounded  ;  and  that  they 
will  be,  most  certainly,  provided  the  measures 
herein  after  recommended,  be  fully  and  manfully 
carried  into  eflect. 


60 

Or,  destitute  of  food  and  lodging, 
Through  dark  and  dirty  lanes  be  dodging, 
Unless  t'  avoid  such  dismal  lurkings, 
You  put  a  powerful  paw  on  PERKINS. 

Behold  what  ought  to  raise  your  spleen  high, 
Perkins  supported  by  Aldini !  44 
It  must  have  been  most  sad,  foul  weather, 
From  Italy  to  blow  him  hither. 

My  wrath,  indeed,  is  now  so  keen,  I 
Ev'n  wish,  for  sake  of  that  Aldini, 
This  ink  were  poison  for  the  wizard, 
This  pen  a  dagger  in  his  gizzard  ! 

44  Perkins  supported  by  Aldini  ! 

These  two  wonder-working  wizards  are  said  t® 
effect  their  necromantic  manoeuvres  by  the  appli 
cation  of  the  same  principle  to  the  animal  ma 
chine.  But  the  latter  does  not,  in  so  great  a  de 
gree,  infringe  on  our  privileges,  for  he  begins 
where  we  leave  off,  that  is,  after  the  patient  is 
dead;  whereas  Perkins,  by  his  pretended  easy 
and  expeditious  mode  of  curing  those  who  ought 
to  depend  solely  on  '  Death  and  the  Doctor,'  is  a 
more  formidable  foe  to  our  profession. 


Cl 

For  he  (Vis  told  in  public  papers) 
Can  make  dead  people  cut  droll  capers ; 
And  shuffling  off  death's  iron  trammels, 
To  kick  and  hop  like  dancing  camels. 

To  raise  a  dead  dog  he  was  able,  45 
Though  laid  in  quarters  on  a  table. 


45  To  raise  a  dead  dog  he  was  able. 

1  Dr.  Aldini,  now  in  London,  lately  exhibited, 
at  the  house  of  Mr.  Hunter,  some  curious  expe 
riments  on  the  body  of  a  dog  newly  killed,  by 
which  the  company,  then  present,  were  exceed 
ingly   astonished    at   the  powers   of  Gal-vanixm. 
The  head  of  the  animal  was  cut  off.     The  head 
and   the  body   were  put  beside  each  other  on  a 
table,  previously  rubbed  with  a  solution  of  am 
monia.      Two  wires,  communicating   with    the 
Galvanic  trough,   were  then  applied,  the  one  in 
the  ear,  the  other  at  the  anus  of  the  dead  animal. 
No  sooner  had  those  applications  been  made  than 
both  head  and  body  were  thrown  into  the  most 
animated  muscular  motions.     The  body  started 
up  with  a  movement,  by  which  it  passed  over 
'  the  side  of  the  table.     The  head  equally  moved, 
4  its  lips  and  teeth  grinning  most  violently  1'    Vide 
the  Morning  Post  oi  January  6th,  1803. 
I 


And  led  him,  yelping,  round  the  town, 
With  two  legs  up,  and  t\yo  legs  down ;  4* 

And,  in  the  presence  of  a  posse 
Of  our  Great  Men,  and  ANDREOSSI, 
He  show'd  black  art  of  worse  description, 
Than  e'er  did  conjuring  Egyptian 

He  cut  a  bullock's  head,  I  ween, 
Sheer  off,  as  if  by  guillotine ; 


46  With  two  legs  np,  and  two  legs  down. 

Your  worships  will  perceive  that  I  have  detailed 
some  particulars  relative  to  this  famous  experi 
ment,  which  were  omitted  in  the  above  statement 
from  the  Morning  Pout.  But  should  any  gentle 
man  among  you  presume  to  intimate  that  I  have 
stated  one  syllable  which  is  not  strictly  and  lite 
rally  true,  I  shall  embrace  the  fashionable  mode 
of  resenting  the  affront.  I  have  two  pistols  in 
my  garret.  Let  him  who  dares  dispute  Ur.  Caustic 
take  his  choice.  Then,  unless 

4  Pallas  should  come,  in  shape  of  rust, 
{  And  'twixt  the  lock  and  hammer  thrust 
4  Her  Gorgon  shield,  and  make  the  cock 
1  Stand  stiff  as  'twere  transformed  to  stock/ 

I  will  make  it  apparent  that  I  am  a  man  of  honour* 
as  well  as  veracity. 


63 

Then  (Satan  aiding  the  adventure) 
He  made  it  bellow  lik    a  Stentor  !  47 


And  this  most  comical  magician 
Will  soon,  in  public  exhibition, 
Perform  a  feat  he's  often  boasted, 
And  animate  a  dead  pig  -  roasted. 

With  powers  of  these  Metallic  Tractors, 
He  can  revive  dead  malefactors  ; 


47  He  made  it  bellow  like  a  Stentor! 

f  Some  curious  Galvanic  experiments  were  made 
on  Friday  last,  by   Professor  Aldini,  in  Doctor 
Pearson's  Lecture  Room.    They  were  instituted 
in  the  presence  of  his  Excellency  the  Ambassa 
dor  of  France,  General  Andreossi,  Lord  Pelham, 
the  Duke  of  Roxburgh,  Lord  Castlereagh,  Lord 
1  Hervey,  the  Hon.  Mr.  Upton,  See.     The  head 
1  of  an  ox,  recently  decapitated,  exhibited  asto- 

*  nishing  effects;  for  the  tongue  being  drawn  out 

*  by  a  hook  fixed  into  it,  on  applying  the  exciters, 
'  in  spite  of  the  strength  of  the  assistant,  was  re- 
4  tracted,  so  as  to  detach  itself,  by  tearing  itself 
1  from  the  hook ;  at  the  same  time,  a  loud  noise 
4  issued  from  the  mouth,  attended  by;  violent  con- 

*  tortions  of  the  whole  head  and  eyes.'    See  Morn 
ing  Post  of  February  1  6ih,  1 803. 


64 

And  is  reanimating  daily, 

Rogues  that  were  hung  once,  at  Old  Bailey !  4t 


48  Rogues  that  were  hung  once,  at  Old  Bailey, 

*  The  body  of  Forster,  who  was  executed  on 
Monday  last,  for  murder,  was  conveyed  to  a 
house  not  far  distant,  where  it  was  subjected  to 
the  Galvanic  Process,  by  Professor  Aldini,  under 
the  inspection  of  Mr.  Keate,  Mr.  Carpue,  and 
several  other  Professional  Gentlemen.  M.  Al 
dini,  who  is  the  nephew  of  the  discoverer  of  this 
most  interesting  science,  shewed  the  eminent 
and  superior  powers  of  Galvanism  to  be  far  be- 
yond  any  other  stimulant  in  nature.  On  the  first 
application  of  the  process  to  the  face,  the  jaw  of 
the  deceased  criminal  began  to  quiver ;  and  the 
adjoining  muscles  were  horribly  contorted,  and 
one  eye  was  actually  opened.  In  the  subsequent 
part  of  the  process,  th-e  right  hand  ivas  raised  and 
CLENCHED^  and  the  legs  and  thighs  were  set  in 
motion. 

6  It  appeared  to  the  uninformed  part  of  the  by 
standers,  as  if  the  wretched  man  was  on  the  eve 
of  being  restored  to  life.  This  however  was  im 
possible,  as  several  of  his  friends,  who  were  near 
t-he  scaffold,  had  violently  pulled  his  legs,  in  or 
der  to  put  a  more  speedy  termination  to  his  suf 
ferings.'  Vide  the  Morning  Post  of  January  22, 
1803. 

It  is  to  be  hoped,  in  case  this  Mr.  Professor  un 
dertakes  any  future  operations  of  this  nature*  that 
some  more  choleric  dead  man  will  not  only  clench 
his  fist  like  Forster,  but  convince  him,  by  dint  of 


And  sure  I  am  he'll  break  the  peace, 
Unless  secur'd  by  our  police ; 
For  such  a  chap,  as  you're  alive, 
Full  many  a  felon  will  revive. 

And  as  he  can  (no  doubt  of  that) 
Give  rogues  the  nine  lives  of  a  cat ; 
Why  then,  to  expiate  their  crimes, 
These  rogues  mu.vt  all  be  hung  nine  times. 

What  more  enhances  this  offence  is, 
'Twill  ninefold  Government's  expences; 
And  such  a  load,  in  name  of  wonder, 
Pray  how  can  JOHNNY  BULL  stand  under ! 

Then  why  not  rise,  and  make  a  clatter, 
And  put  a  stop  to  all  this  matter — 
Why  don't  you  rouse,  I  say,  in  season, 
And  cut  the  wicked  wizard's  weasand  ! 


pugilistic  demonstration^  that  he  is  not  to  disturb 
with  impunity  those  who  ought  to  be  at  <  rettfrom 
their  labours.' 

I  2 


C6 

For  Gentlemen j  the  devil's  to  pay, 
That  you  forsake  the  good  old  way, 
And  tread  a  path,  so  very  odd. 
So  unlike  that  your  fathers  trod. 

With  what  delight  the  poet  fancies 

He  sees  their  Worships  plague  old  FRANCIS  ;  ^f 


49  He  sees  their  Worships  plague  old  FRANCIS. 

Dr.  FRANCIS  ANTHONY.  The  author  of  the 
Biographia  Britannica  relates  a  pitiful  tale  respect 
ing  the  persecutions  suffered  by  this  obstinate  old 
schismatic.  *  He  was,'  says  that  writer,  '  a  very 
1  learned  physician  and  chemist,  the  son  of  an 

*  eminent  goldsmith  in  London.     Was  born  April 
«  16th,  1550.     In  1569  he  was  sent  to  the  univer- 
<  sity  of  Cambridge;  in  1574  took  the  degree  of 
4  A.  M.  Sec.  &c.     He  began  soon  after  his  arrival 
c  (in  London)  to  publish  to  the  world  the  effects  of 
'  his  chemical  studies.     But  not  having  taken  the 

*  necessary  precaution  of  addressing  himself  to 
1  the  College  of  Physicians  for  their  license,  he  fell 
'  under  their  displeasure ;  and  being  some  time 

*  in  the  year  1600  summoned  before  the  President 
'  and  Censors,  he  confessed  that  he  had  practised 

*  physic  in  London  for  six  months,  and  had  cured 

*  twenty  persons  or  more  of  several  diseases.'      [A 
most  atrocious  crime!  I  trust  very  few,  if  any  of 
your  Worships  would  be  justified  in  confessing  or 
pleading  guilty  to  a  similar  indictment.]     *  About 

*  one  month  after  he  was  committed  to  the  Counter 


67 

While  he,  sad  wight,  woe-worn  and  pale? 
Is  dragg'd  about  from  jail  to  jail ! 


4  prison,  and  fined  in  the  sum  of  five  pounds  firofi- 
4  ter  iUicitam  firajrin — that  is,  for  prescribing  against 
4  the  statutes  of  the  College;  but  upon  his  appli- 
4  cation  to  the  Chief  Justice,  he  was  set  at  liberty, 
4  which  gave  so  great  an  umbrage,  that  the  Presi- 
4  dent  and  one  of  the  Censors  waited  on  the  Chief 
4  Justice,  to  request  his  favour  in  preserving  the 
4  College  privileges:  upon  which  Anthony  submit- 
4  ted,  and  promised  to  pay  his  fine,  and  was  forbid- 
4  den  practice.  He  was  soon  after  accused  again 
4  for  practising  physic,  and  upon  his  own  conies- 
4  sion  v/as  fined  another  five  pounds,  which  fine, 
4  on  his  refusing  to  pay,  was  increased  to  twenty 
4  pounds,  and  he  was  sentenced  to  be  committed 
4  to  prison  till  he  had  paid  it.  Nor  was  the  Col- 
4  lege  satisfied  with  this,  but  commenced  a  suit  at 
4  law  against  him,  in  the  name  of  the  Queen  and 
4  College,  in  which  they  prevailed,  and  had  judg- 
4  ment  against  him.  It  appears  that  the  learned 
4  Society  thought  him  ignorant ;  but  there  were 
4  others  of  a  different  opinion,  since,  after  all  these 
4  censures,  and  being  tossed  about  from  prison  to 
4  prison,  he  became  Doctor  of  Physic  in  our  own 
4  Universities !' 

This  is  the  substance  of  the  proceedings  of  our 
ancestors  against  the  Arch-Heretic;  from  which 
we  learn  the  absolute  necessity  of  a  still  more  ri 
gorous  prosecution  of  those  disturbers  of  society, 
who  have  the  impudence  to  cure  their  patients 
Without  YOUR  LICENSE.  Had  this  old  fellow  been 


For  he  was  such  a  stubborn  dragon, 
"Mo  would  not  down  and  worship  Dagon ; 
That  is  to  say,  would  not  acknowledge 
Supremacy  of  your  Great  College ! 

And  what  was  worse,  if  worse  could  be, 
And  rais'd  their  ire  to  such  degree, 
That  they  to  Tyburn  swore  they'd  cart  him ; 
He  cur'd  folks  '  non  secundum  art  urn.' 

His  patients  sav*d,  from  mere  compassion, 
Though  killing  was  the  most  in  fashion  ! 
Then  well  your  fathers  ire  might  burn  as 
Hot  as  the  fam'd  Chaldean  furnace ! 

Thus,  when  the  heretic  Waldenses, 

With  their  co-working  Albigenses, 

Found  what  they  thought  they  might  rely  on, 

A  nearer  way  to  go  to  Zion, 


hung,  or  *  burnt  off,'  as  he  deserved,  the  business 
would  have  been  finished  at  once,  and  none  would 
afterwards  have  dared  ever  to  call  in  question  your 
supremacy  ! 


69 

Those  saints,  who  trod  the  beaten  path, 
Were  fill'd  so  full  of  godly  wrath, 
They  burnt  them  off,  nor  thought  it  cruel, 
As  one  would  burn  a  loud  of  fuel ! 

These  things  I  note,  touring  to  view 
Some  noble  precedents  for  you  : 
The  chapter  needs  not  any  comment ; 
Then  pray  don't  hesitate  a  moment. 

But,  hark!  what  means  that  moaning  sound! 
That  thunder  rumbling  und^r  ground ! 
What  mean  those  blue  sulphureous  flashes, 
That  make  us  all  turn  pale  as  ashes ! 

Why  in  the  air  this  dreadful  drumming, 
As  though  the  devil  himself  were  coming, 
Provok'd  by  magical  impostors, 
To  carry  off  a  Doctor  Faustus ! 

Why  scream  the  bats!  why  hoot  the  owls! 
While  Darwjn's  mid-night  bull-dog  howls  !.5<> 
Say,  what  portends  this  mighty  rumpus, 
To  fright  our  senses  out  of  compass  f 


70 

"Pis  Radcliffe's  sullen  sprite  now  rising,^1 
To  warn  you  by  a  sight  surprising, 
More  solemn  than  a  curtain  lecture, 
Or  Monk-y  Lewis'  Spanish  Spectre  !3» 


50  Why  scream  the  bats!  why  hoot  the  owls! 
While  Darwin's  midnight  bull-dog  howls  1 

A  delectable  imitation  of  Dr.  Darwin's  delight 
ful  pair  of  lines — 

<  Shrill  scream  the  famished  bats  and  shivering 

owls, 
*  And  long  and  loud  the  dog  of  midnight  howls. 

To  prevent  any  post  obit  disputes  among  those, 
who  may  hereafter  peruse  this  sublime  passage, 
I  have  thought  it  advisable  to  designate  the 
sfiecies  of  the  dog  which  howls  so  horribly  on  this 
occasion. 

51  'Tis  Radcliffe's  sullen  sprite  now  rising. 

This  shows  Pluto  to  be  a  God  of  correct  calcii*. 
lation  . 

Had  he  sent  one  of  your  water-gruel  ghosts,  it 
is  a  thousand  to  one  if  your  Worships  would  have 
paid  the  least  deference  to  the  mandates  of  his 
sooty  highness.  If  the  ghost  of  old  Dr.  Radclifie, 
so  famed  in  the  annals  of  bullyism,  and  who  is 
said  to  have  killed  only  one  British  Queen  (her 
successor  Queen  Ann,  choosing  rather  to  evade 
a  similar  fate,  dispensed  with  his  attendance),  be 
not  sufficient  to  rouse  you  at  this  momentous 
crisis,  your  cause  is  lost  for  ever. 


71 

Now,  in  a  sort  of  moody  mutter, 
These  awful  sounds  I  bear  him  utter, 
Which  make  my  heart  to  beat  and  thwack  it, 
And  burst  the  buttons  off  my  jacket ! 

*  'Tis  not  from  motives  of  endearment 

*  That  I  have  burst  my  marble  cearment  5 


53  Or  Monk-y  Lewis'  Spanish  Spectre! 

I  would  have  no  impudent  slanderer  insinuate 
that  I  mean  to  bestow  on  the  Right  Honourable 
M.  G.  Levvib,  M.  P.  any  opprobrious  epithet.  No, 
gentlemen,  I  did  not  say  Monkey.  The  terra 
which  I  use  is  an  adjective,  legally  coined  fi-om 
the  substantive  MONK;  and  I  affix  it  to  this  Gen 
tleman's  name  as  an  honorary  appellation,  to  which 
he  is  entitled  for  having  written  that  celebrated 
romance  called  c  THE  MONK.'  As  to  the  Sfianis/i 
bjiectre,  you  \\ill  please  to  consult  the  Romance 
aforesaid,  and  you  will  find  a  most  horrible  ballad, 
by  which  it  appears  that  a  certain  Miss  Imogene 
was  carried  off  on  her  bridal  night,  if  I  mistake 
not,  by  the  Ghost  of  one  Don  Alonzo,  to  whom 
she  had  been  betrothed,  but  proved  ialse-hearted. 
I  would,  however,  caution  against  reading  this 
doleful  ditty  by  candle-light,  lest  the  story  of 

*  The  worms  they  crept  in,  and  the  worms  they  crept  out, 

*  And  they  sported  his  eyes  and  his  temples  about,' 

might  sjiort  with  the  senses  of  the  more  timid 

reader. 


72 

'  No;  I'm  from  Hades,  in  a  hurry, 

*  To  make  above  ground  one  d — d  flurry  |33 

*  Arm'd,  as  the  dread  occasion  urges, 

*  With  Ate's  borrow'd  snakes  and  scourges, 
1  I  come  to  rouse  ye  into  action, 

'  To  crush  the  Perkinising  Faction. 

'  Why  stand  ye  now,  with  stupid  stare, 

*  Hen-hearted  cowards,  as  you  are? 

'  Arise!  and  quickly  gird  your  might  on, 

*  And  into  battle  then  rush  right  on ! 


53  To  make  above  ground  one  d — d  flurry! 

I  earnestly  request  that  the  learned  College 
will  not  do  me  the  injustice  to  suppose  that  a  mull 
of  my  delicacy  and  refined  feelings  would  myself 
litter  any  phrase,  which  has  so  much  the  semblance 
of  profanity.  But  as  this  personage,  before  he 
passed  that  fatal  '  bourne'  (from  which  one  '  tra 
veller'  has  <-  returned')  had  ever  heen  accustomed, 
like  most  of  our  profession,  to  rhetorical  flourishes 
of  this  kind,  it  must  be  expected  thai,  on  such  an 
important  occasion,  he  would  expiess  himself 
with  all  his  wonted  energy;  and  my  veracity  as 
an  historian  obliges  me  to  give  -verbatim  the 
speech  which  the  sprite  did  in  fuel  deliver. 


73 

*  Go !  teach  Pcrkinians  their  errors, 

*  In  tampering  with  the  King  of  Terrors! 

*  Go !  teach  the  varlets  to  defy 

*  Our  great  and  terrible  Ally! 

'  Don't  say  to  me,  you  stupid  dunces, 

*  That  you're  not  fond  of  broken  sconces i 

*  Don't  say  to  me,  you've  no  delight  in 

(  The  dreadful,  awful,  trade  of  fighting, 

1  For  you  might  chace  them  many  a  mile,  and 
'  E'en  bid  them,  scampering,  quit  our  island, 

*  And  still  your  carcases  be  strangers 

*  To  troublous  toils,  and  desperate  dangers. 

c  Appear  in  field,  the  battle's  won; 

'  Your  phizzes  show — L— d  how  they'll  run! 

*  But  you're  like  sheep,  a  sort  of  cattle, 

*  That  one  can't  well  drive  into  battle* 

c  O  could  I  but  affairs  contrive 
'  To  be  for  one  half  hour  alive, 

*  What  thunder-bolts  of  indignation 

c  I'd  hurl  at  imps  of  Tractoration ! 
K 


74 

*  I'll  batter  ye  with  Pluto's  bludgeon, 
'  Unless  to  battle  you  now  budge  on, 

*  And  make  more  bluster  with  your  train, 
'  Than  devils  in  a  hurricane  ! 

» 

*  I'll  drive  ye  down' — Jbut  dawning  day 
Bids  bullying  phantom  hie  away ; 

While  horror  makes  each  hair  stand  stedfast, 
Like  quill  of  hedgehog  in  our  head  fast! 

So  stood  the  PREMIER  of  our  Nation, 
When  ROBSON  bawl'd  out c  DEFALCATION  ! 
4  Government's  robb'd  by  wicked  men, 
(  And  cannot  pay  "  NINETEEN  POUNDS  TEN!!  I"  5* 

54  And  cannot  pay  <  NINETEEN  POUNDS  TEN  ! ! !' 

The  terrible  shock  given  not  only  to  Mr.  Ad- 
tfington,  but  to  the  credit  of  the  British  nation, 
by  this  famous  sally  of  that  teasing,  testy,  que 
rulous,  alarming,  honorable,  cidevant  member  of 
the  House  of  Commons,  is  undoubtedly  fresh  in 
the  recollection  of  every  person,  who  has  the  least 
smattering  in  parliamentary  debates:  and  every 

true  patriot  and  friend  to  the  Peace  of our 

Prime  Minister,  will  congratulate  the  country  on 
the  failure  of  Mr.  Robson's  election,  as  well  as 
that  of  his  co-operator,  Mr.  Jones,  into  the  new 
parliament. 


75 

So  petrified  stood  bull  and  bear, 
Of  Stock  Exchange,  when  the  Lord  Mayor, 
With  vile  chagrin  and  terror  quaking, 
Found  Hawkesbury's  Letter  all  a  take-in.  # 

* .. 

Now  should  you  slight  the  dire  monition 
Of  this  ill-boding  apparition, 
You  truly  will  be  well  deserving 
The  dreadful  destiny  of  starving  ! 

O  then,  dread  Sirs,  brimful  of  rage, 
War  !  horrid  war  !  is  yours  to  wage. 
To  extirpate  the  deadly  schism, 
The  heresy  of  Perkinism  1 


55  Found  Hawkesbury's  Letter  all  a  take-in. 

Now  I  know  the  man  who  cobbled  up  the  fa 
mous  humbug  Peace  with  France,  which,  in  my 
©pinion,  was  a  manoeuvre  that  did  honour  to  its 
inventor.  He  tenants  a  garret  adjacent  to  mine. 
But  Dr.  Caustic  is  an  honourable  man,  and  twice 
the  50001.  offered  by  the  Stock  Exchange,  with  the 
5001.  by  the  Lord  Mayor,  for  his  apprehension, 
would  not  tempt  him  to  expose  the  neck  of  his 
friend  to  the  noose  of  justice.  This  I  premise 
that  the  Bow-street  officers  may  not  misapply 
their  time  and  talents  in  any  futile  attempts  U 
wheedle  or  extort  the  secret. 


76 

Pursue  the  steps  that  learned  sage  hath, 
The  most  redoubted  Doctor  HAYGARTH, 
Who  erst  o'er  Perkins'  sconce  at  Bath, 
Broke  a  whole  gaily  pot  of  wrath !  56 


56  Broke  a  whole  gallypot  of  wrath. 

I  beseech  you,  gentlemen,  to  suspend  your  im- 
patience  relative  to  this  wonderful  achievement, 
till  you  have  uoared  through  a  few  stanzas.  In 
the  mean  time^  however,  I  wish  that  this  my  fa 
vourite  hero,  and  burthen  of  my  song,  should  stand 
high  with  you^  worships,  and  be  the  object  of  the 
humble  admiration,  not  only  of  your  honourable 
body,  but  of  mankind  in  general;  and  I  myself 
shall  take  the  liberty  to  trample  on  all  those,  who 
dare  call  in  question  his  infallibility.  I  have  a 
knowledge  of  but  few,  who  more  deserve  to  be 
trodden  upon  on  this  occasion  than  the  conductors 
of  certain  foreign  Literary  Journals,  who,  not  aware 
of  the  inconceivable  services  which  Dr.  H.  has 
rendered  the  medical  host  by  his  ardent  zeal 
against  their  common  enemy,  Perkinism,  have  ex 
pressed  their  sentiments  of  him,  and  his  works, 
with  that  indifference,  which  must  have  arisen 
from  their  want  of  knowledge  of  his  achievements. 

Among  the  most  prominent  of  this  junto  should 
be  mentioned  the  Medical  Repository,  at  New- York, 
conducted  by  professors  Mitchell  and  Miller,  of 
that  place,  the  former  of  whom  I  understand  is  a 
representative  in  the  Congressof  the  United  States, 
an  eminent  physician,  and  the  celebrated  author 
of  what  is  usually  termed  the  '  Mitchellian  Theory 
*  of  Contagion/  alterations  in  the  French  Chemical 


77 

Oh  !  could  I  sing  Hay  garth's  chef  cTat 
That  mighty  magical  manoeuvre, 


Nomenclature,  &c.    The  latter,  I  am  told,  is  like 
wise  a  physician  of  great  respectability. 

Now  that  two  such  characters  should  presume 
to  represent  Dr.  H.  as  a  man,  whose  '  vanity  is 
1  more  conspicuous  than  his  ahility,'  is  a  circum 
stance  which,  while  it  excites  my  surprise,  rouses 
my  resentment.  However,  to  accomplish  their 
disgrace  and  his  renown,  I  shall  concisely  state 
his  magnanimous  conduct  to  them,  and'  their  tin- 
gracious  return. 

Dr.  H.  in  great  condescension  to  the  poor  wretches 
of  the  United  States,  who,  through  the  ignorance 
and  inexperience  of  their  medical  practitioners, 
were  likely  to  he  extirpated  by  the  Yellow  Fever, 
addressed  them  in  an  affectionate  letter,  and  pro 
claimed  the  barbarity  and  unskilfulness  of  their 
physicians,  in  a  very  appropriate  and  becoming 
manner.  He  even  kindly  apprised  the  Academy 
of  Medicine,  at  Philadelphia,  that  their  proceed 
ings  and  reasonings  on  the  disease  among  them, 
were  c  frivolous,  inadequate,  and  groundless,'  and 
communicated  many  other  facts  equally  useful  ano* 
important. 

Now,  whether  his  statements  were  true  or  false, 
those  foreigners  ought  to  have  been  grateful  to 
Dr.  H.  for  honouring  them  with  the  information. 
But,  on  the  contrary,  they  say  that  c  a  poison, 
which,  in«the  city  of  New-York,  has  destroyed, 
within  three  months,  the  lives  of  more  than 
twenty  practitioners  of  medicine,  well  deserves 
to  be  traced  a,nd  understood  by  the  survivors.' 
They  even  have  the  audacity  to  assert,  that *  Ame- 
K  2 


73 

That  feat,  than  \vhicb,  you'll  own,  if  candid, 
None  greater  ever  mortal  man  did  I 


*  rican  Physicians  and  Philosophers  who  have  view- 

*  ed  the  rise  and  progress  of  pestilence ; — walked 

*  amidst  it  by  day  and  by  night,  year  after  year, 

*  and  endured  its  violence  on  their  own  persons, 

*  almost  to  the  extinction  of  their  lives,'  ought  to 
be  as  competent  judges  of  the  cause  and  cure  of 
the  disease  as  Dr.  Haygarth,  who  has  never  seen 
a  case  of  it. 

After  entering  into  a  copious,  (about  20  pages) 
and  what  they  seem  to  think  a  learned,  investiga 
tion  of  my  great  friend's  theory  and  sentiments, 
they  have  dared  to  refute  his  reasoning,  and  turn 
it  to  ridicule. 

These  presumptuous  writers  finally  close  their 
unreasonable  account  of  Dr.  Haygarth  in  quota 
tions  from  Dr.  Caldwell>  who,  it  appears,  is  a  Fel 
low  of  the  College  of  Physicians  of  Philadelphia, 
and  a  very  ungentleman-like./t.'//ow  too,  for  he  has 
also  had  the  rashness  to  descant  on  some  of  the 
works  of  Dr.  Haygarth  in  terms  following. 

*  Perhaps  he  (Dr.  Haygarth)  may  found  the 

*  boldness  of  his  pretensions  as  an  anchor  on  the 

*  maturity  of  his  years.    Many  writers  less  youth- 

*  ful  are  more  modest ;  and  it  is  to  be  lamented  that 

*  grey  hairs  give  no  infallible  earnest  of  either  \vis- 

*  dom  or  liberality.     We  will  not  positively  assert 
4  that  he  is  not  a  man  of  profound  erudition,  but 
1  \ve  have  no  reason  whatever  to  convince  us  that 

*  he  is.    Perhaps  he  may  pride  himself  on  being  a 

*  native  of  the  same  country  which  produced  a  Har- 

*  vey,  a  Sydenham,  a  Cullen,  and  a  Hunter.    We 


79 

But  ere  I  '  sweep  the  sounding  lyre,' 
Or  tune  Apollo's  riddle  higher, 
I'll  steal  (although  it  cost  a  halter) 
A  brand  from  Delia  Crusca's  altar. 

«  O  THOU!'  \vho  soard'st  to  heights  sublimer 
Than  e'er  before  attain'd  by  rhymer; 
Till  even  iny  good  friend  Apollo 
At  distance  gaz'd,  butdar'd  not  follow. 

'  GENIUS,  or  MUSH,'  who  hadst  propensity 
To  seem  to  strive  to  stretch  immensity  ; 
Whose  '  airy  lays?  quoth  Bell's  fraternity, 
Would  last  through  more  than  one  eternity ; 

(Although  it  seems,  the  deuce  is  in't, 
Those  very  lays  are  out  of  print, 
A  proof  this  age  does  not  inherit 
One  ounce  of  true  poetic  spirit!) 

*  intreat  him  to  remember,  that  weeds  may  infest 

*  the  same  ground  which  ha*  been  over-shadowed 

*  by  the  lordly  Adansonia,  and  that  the  same  clime 
4  gives  birth  to  the  lion  and  the  jackal.'     Medical 
Kefiository,  vol.  v.  p.  333.     Oh,  fie!  fie! 


80 

O  come,  and  bring  (delightful  things) 
A  pair  of  Delia  Cruscan  wings, 
That  we,  by  sublimated  flight, 

May  '  STEM  THE  CATARACT  OF  LIGHT.' 

Then  condescend  to  be  my  crony, 
And  guide  my  wild  Parnassian  pony, 
Till  our  aerial  cutter  runs  57 
Athwart  *  A  WILDERNESS  OF  suNs!'58 

57  Till  our  aerial  cutter  rtms. 

My  mode  of  commencing  an  airy  tour,  mounted, 
Muse  and  Co.  on  a  poetical  P-ony,  which  by  the 
way  is  metamorphosed  into  ^cutter,  may,  perhaps, 
be  objected  to  by  your  fastidious  critics,  as  a 
liberty  even  beyond  a  poet's  licentiousness.  But 
there  is  nothing  which  we  Men  of  Genius  more 
thoroughly  detest,  than  any  attempt  to  fetter  our 
faculties  with  the  frigid  rules  of  criticism.  Be 
sides,  sense  or  nonsense ,  fioetry  or  singling,  it  is 
perfectly  Delia  Cruscan. 

58  WILDERNESS  OF  SUNS! 

This  *  proud'  passage,  together  with  {  O  THOU  !' 
— c  GENIUS  or  MUSE  !' — and  *  CATARACT  OF 
LIGHT  I* — are  the  legitimate  offspring  of  that 
Prince  of  Poets,  who  rose  to  such  a  tow 
of  poetry, 

That  oft  Hibernian  opticks  bright 
Beheld  him  fairly  out  of  sight  I' 


81 

But  Giffortl  comes,  with  why  anil  wherefore  ; 
And  what  the  devil  are  you  there  for  ? 


I  should  have  been  happy  to  have  fascinated  your 
Worships  with  further  specimens  of  the  same  sort 
of  sublimity,  could  I  have  retained  them  in 
memory.  1  have  been  so  solicitous  for  your 
gratification  in  this  particular,  that  I  have  made  a 
painful,  though  bootless  search,  throughout  the 
Metropolis  and  its  suburbs,  for  these  more  than 
sybiline  oracles.  Indeed  I  have  reason  to  fear 
that  all  Delia  Crusca's  effusions  are  irretrievably 
lost,  except  the  few  fragments  I  have  here  fiickled 
for  the  behoof  of  posterity. 


59  But  Gifford  comes,  with  why  and  wherefore. 

The  admirers  of  your  polite  poetry  can  never 
sufficiently  anathematize  the  author  of  the  4  Baviad 
and  M<Kviad>  for  extirpating,  root  and  branch,  a 
species  of  sentimental  ditty,  which  might  be  scrib 
bled,  without  the  trouble  of  *  sense  to  pose ;'  an 
object  certainly  of  no  small  consequence  with 
yo\l^bo?^  ton  readers  and  writers  of  rhyme.  How 
could  a  sentimental  ensign,  or  love-lorn  lieutenant, 
be  better  employed,  than  in  sobbing  over  '  Laura's 
tinkling  trash,'  or  weeping  in  concert  with  the 
<  mad  jangle  of  Matilda's  lyre  ?'  Besides,  there 
ought  to  be  ivhififiedsyllahub  adapted  to  the  palates 
of  those  who  cannot  relish  c  Burns'  pure  healthful 
nurture.'  Mr.  Gifford  should  be  sensible,  that 
reducing  poetry  to  the  standard  of  common  sense 
is  clipping  the  wings  of  genius.  For  example, 
there  is  no  describing  what  sublime  and  Delia 


82 

Then  tells  a  tale  about  the  Town, 
ContrivM  to  lessen  our  renown. 

Says,  if  we  rise  but  one  inch  higher, 
We  set  our  hat  and  wig  on  fire  ; 
And  that  he'll  bet  us  ten  to  one 
We  shall  be  scorch' d  like  Phaeton. 

Then  I  and  Clio,  as  the  case  is, 
Must  now  resume  our  former  places, 
But  still,  to  keep  up  our  renown, 
We  ride  a  '  gairish  sun-beam'  down  ! 

And  now  once  more,  in  humble  station, 
We'll  jog  along  in  plain  narration ; 
And  tollutate  o'er  turnpike  path,60 
To  view  the  conjuring  crew  at  Bath. 


Cruscan-like  capers  I  should  myself  have  been 
cutting  in  this  4  Wilderness  of  suns;'  for  I  was 
about  to  prepare  a  nosegay  of  comets,  and  string 
the  spheres  like  beads  for  a  lady's  necklace  ;  but 
was  not  a  little  apprehensive  lest  Mr.  G.  or  some 
other  malignant  critic,  should  persuade  the  public, 
that  my  effusions  of  fancy  were  little  better  than 
the  rant  of  a  bedlamite. 


S3 

Behold !  great  Hay  garth  and  his  corps  6l 
Of  necromancers,  just  a  score, 

<°  And  tollutate  o'er  turnpike  path. 

They  rode,  but  authors  having  not 
Determin'd  whether  pace  or  trot, 
That  is  to  say,  whether  tollutation, 
As  they  do  term't,  or  succussation. 

HUDIBRAS,  Canto  2, 

f>1  Behold  !  great  Haygarth  and  his  corps. 

I  here  wish  to  give  a  concise  sketch  of  the 
Doctor's  necromantial  process,  so  well  calculated 
to  give  the  Tractors  the  kick  out  of  Bath  and 
Bristol,  where  they  were  rapidly  making  the  most 
sacrilegious  encroachments  on  the  unpolluted 
shrine  of  our  profession.  I  would  recommend 
similar  proceedings  to  every  Member  of  the 
College,  and  every  worthy  brother  who  is  truly- 
anxious  to  preserve  the  dignity  and  honour  of  the 
professional  character.  But  would  premise,  that, 
\vhen  the  like  experiments  are  made,  which,  I 
trust,  will  be  very  generally  by  the  whole  pro 
fession,  I  would  particularly  recommend  that  the 
Doctor's  prudence,  in  not  admitting  any  of  the 
friends  of  the  Tractors  at  the  scene  of  action, 
should  be  strictly  imitated  ;  and  also  his  discretion 
in  choosing,  as  subjects  for  the  experiment,  the 
ignorant  and  miserable  paupers  of  an  infirmary, 
whose  credulity  will  assist  very  much  in  operations 
of  this  sort.  I  also  enjoin  them  to  bear  in  mind 
his  hint,  '  That  if  any  person  would  repeat  the 
'  experiment  with  woode?i  tractors,  it  should  be 


84 

Enter  the  drear  abodes  of  pain, 
Like  death  of  old  and  horrid  train ! 


*  clone  with  due  solemnity  ;  during  the  process  the 

*  wonderful  cures,  said   to  be  performed  by  the 

*  tractors,  should  be  particularly  related.  Without 
4  these    indispensable   aids,    other   trials   will   not 

<  prove   so    successful   as  those   which  are  here 
6  reported.'     (Haygarth's  book,  page  4.) 

It  cam  scarcely  be  necessary  for  me  to  hint  to 
my  discreet  brethren,  in  addition*  that  should  they 
try  the  real  Tractors  afterwards  (which,  however, 
I  rather  advise  them  not  to  do  at  all)  the  whole  of 
these  aids  of  the  mind  are  to  be  as  strictly  avoided* 
I  had  like  to  have  forgotten  to  say,  that  the  means 
used  in  the  instance  which  follows,  to  increase 
the  solemnity  of  the  scene,  were  a  capital  display 
of  wigs,  canes,  stop-watches ;  and  a  still  more 
solemn  and  terrific  spectacle,  about  a  score  of  the 
brethren.  The  very  commencement  serves  to 
show  how  *  necessary'  was  all  this  display,  to  in 
sure  the  success  of  these  wooden  Tractors. 

'  It  was   often  necessary   to  play  the  part   of  a 

*  necromancer ,  to  describe  circles,  squares,  trian- 
4  gles,  and  half  the  figures  in  geometry,   on  the 
'  parts  affected)  with  the  small  end  of  the  (wooden) 
'  Tractors.     During  all   this  time   we  conversed 
'  upon  the  discoveries  of  Franklin  and  Galvani, 

*  laying   great   stress  on  the   power  of  metallic 

<  points  attracting  lightning,  and  conveying  it  to 

*  the  earth  harmless.     To  a  more  curious  farce  I 

*  was  never  witness.     We  were  almost  afraid  to 

<  look  each  other  in  the  face,  lest  an  involuntary 

*  smile  should  remove  the   mask  from  our  coun- 


85 


He  comes !  he  comes!  good  heaven  defend  us  ! 
With  magic  rites,  and  things  tremendous ! 


<  tenances,  and  dispel  the  charm.'     (Haygarth's 
book,  page  16.) 

A  very  ingenious  friend  of  Dr.  H.  and  the  glo 
rious  cause  in  which  he  is  engaged,  has  conceiv 
ed  an  improvement  on  this  process.  While  the 
above  operation  is  going  on,  surely,  the  adroit 
necromancer  would  handje  his  virguia  dvoinitoria 
with  far  greater  effect,  and  himself  appear  much 
more  in  character,  by  using  a  suitable  incanta 
tion.  The  following  has  therefore  been  proposed 
for  the  general  use  of  the  profession. 

Hocus !  pocus  !  up  and  clown  ! 
Draw  the  white  right  from  the  crown ! 
Hocus  !  pocus  1  at  a  loss  ! 
Draw  the  brazen  rod  across! 
Hocus  !  pocus  !  clown  and  up  ! 
Draw  them  both  from  foot  to  top ! 

Lest  you  should  not  have  sufficient  ingenuity  t6 
comprehend  the  object  of  Dr.  Haygarth  in  produc 
ing  these  operations  on  the  minds  of  those  pau 
pers,  by  the  aid  of  such  means  as  he  employed, 
I  must  try  to  explain  it.  It  was  to  induce  an  in 
ference  on  the  part  of  the  public,  that  if,  by  any 
means  whatsoever,  effects  can  be  produced  on  the 
mind  of  a  poor  bedridden  patient,  whether  such 
effect  be  favourable  or  unfavourable  (as  the  latter 
was  often  the  case  in  Haygarth's  experiments) 
ergo,  Perkins's  Tractors  cure  diseases  by  acting 
on  the  mind  also,  whether  on  a  human  or  brute 

L 


86 

With  such  as  serv'd  the  witch  of  Endor 
To  make  the  powers  of  hell  surrender ! 

Now  draws  full  many  a  magic  circle, 

Now  stamps,  and  foams,  and  swears  meherc'le  • 

As  old  Canidia  us'd  to  mutter  once, 

Just  as  her  D-jtmon  gave  her  utterance! 

Now  tells  each  tremhling  bed-rid  zany 
Terrific  tales  of  one  Galvani ; 
How  Franklin  kept,  to  make  folks  wonder, 
A  warehouse  full  of  bottled  thunder  ! 

Thus  Shakspeare's  Macbeth' s  wicked  witches 

Even  carry 'd  matters  to  such  pitches, 

In  hoity-toity  midnight  revel, 

The  old  hacjs  almost  rais'd  the  devil ! 


subject.  Should  any  person  be  so  uncivil  and 
unreasonable  as  to  start  the  objection  to  this  lo 
gic,  that  with  the  same  propriety  all  medicines 
might  also  be  supposed  to  produce  their  effects, 
by  an  action  on  the  mind,  I  particularly  advise 
(provided  such  person  be  a  noted  coward)  that 
you  challenge  him  or  her  to  a  duel :  but  if,  on 
t.he  contrary,  he  or  she  be  a  terrible  Mac  Namara- 


37 

And  now  our  tragic-comic  actors 
Torment  a  pair  of  wooden  Tractors ; 
All  which,  with  many  things  they  more  did, 
In  Haygarth's  book  you'll  find  recorded. 

But  if  Haygarthian  rites  infernal 
Should  fail  our  foes  to  overturn  all ; 
Seek  ways  and  means  to  lay  them  level, 
Without  one  conjuror,  witch,  or  devil. 

If  you  can  find  some  one  among 
You,  who  don't  value  being  hung ;  62- 
Perhaps  the  readiest  mode  wouldhbe 
To  kill  the  conjuring  Patentee. 


like  fellow,  modestly  reply  that  it  was  all  a  joke, 
and  you  hope  there  was  no  offence. 

6a  You,  who  don't  value  being  hung. 

I  trust,  gentlemen,  you  will  not  startle  at  my 
supposing  a  willingness  among  some  of  your  ho 
nourable  body  to  submit  to  this  operation.  You 
must  believe  enough  of  predestination  to  know 
that  a  man  who  is  born  to  be  hung  can  never  be 
drown'd  ;  and  a  little  serious  consideration  will 
therefore  shew  that,  as  the  event  must  happen,  it 
might  as  well  be  submitted  to  first  as  last. 


But  still  I  have  some  hesitation 
To  recommend  assassination  ; 
Although  I'm  sure  'twould  not  be  cruel, 
To  pop  off  Perkins  in  a  DUEL. 

For  this  you've  precedents  quite  ample, 
Full  many  a  glorious  example, 
From  Goths  and  Vandals,  out  of  temper,  or 
A  certain  crazy  Russian  Emperor.  63 

For  if  the  Conjuror  were  shot  dead, 
By  a  rude  harum-scarum  hot-head ; 
Then  might  \ffc  quickly  crush  the  flummery 
Of  Tract'ring  mischief-making  mummery. 

63  A  certain  crazy  Russian  Emperor. 

Czar  Paul,  Emperor  of  all  the  Russias,  &c. 
who  had  a  very  benevolent  desire  to  settle  the 
disputes,  which  agitated  Europe,  by  virtue  of  tilt 
and  tournament,  among  those  potentates,  whose 
quarrelsome  dispositions  so  often  set  their  sub 
jects  by  the  ears.  Had  such  combats  taken  place, 
J  am  positive  that  our  George  would  have  given 
the  Russian  bully  a  most  tremendous  threshing. 


89 

Perkins  destroy 'd,  the  INSTITUTION 
Will  be  o'erwhelm'd  in  dire  confusion; 
And  we  shall  easily  be  able 
To  overturn  this  modern  Babel. 

So,  if  a  wolf  should  silent  creep 
T'  attack  by  night  a  flock  of  sheep. 
He'd  not  attempt  the  whole  together, 
But  first  invade  the  old  bell-wether.  ^ 

Let  not  the  thought  of  Jack  Ketch  scare  ye, 
But  at  him  like  brave  Mac  Namara, 

64  But  first  invade  the  old  bell-wether. 

This  sublime  simile,  gentlemen,  will  meet  the 
unequivocal  approbation  of  those,  who  are  ac 
quainted  with  the  rustic  manners  and  natural  his 
tory  of  Kamtschatka.  This  leading  weather  of  a 
flock  of  sheep  is  ever  invested  with  a  bell,  pendent 
from  his  neck  by  a  collar,  not  only  as  an  honorary 
badge  of  distinction,  but  for  the  purpose  of  alarm 
ing  the  shepherd,  in  case  of  invasion  by  any  of 
the  merciless  tenants  of  the  forest.  The  wolf  al 
ways  makes  it  his  first  object  to  silence  this  jing- 
ler,  that  he  may  with  the  greater  impunity  destroy 
his  fleecy  companions. 

L  2 


90 

Avenge  our  wrongs  in  mode  as  summary 
As  he  adopted  with  Montgomery. 

For  if  said  Mac  be  crown'd  with  laurel, 
Who  kilFd  a  Colonel  in  a  quarrel, 
About  two  dogs,  (g)  between  two  puppies, 
Most  mighty  Sirs,  my  trust  and  hope  is, 

That  nobody  will  think  it  is  hard 
For  us  to  shoot  a  conjuring  wizard, 
Since  all  allow,  sans  hesitation, 
That  we've  received  vast  provocation. 

And  if  our  champion's  full  of  fury, 
When  he  kills  Perkins,  then  the  Jury, 
(Provided  they  are  made  to  fit  him)       *, 
Will  most  assuredly  acquit  him.  6* 

65  Will  most  assuredly  acquit  him. 

Why  not,  as  well  as  acquit  Capt.  Mac,  who 
evaded  all  harm,  in  consequence  of  his  not  per 
mitting  the  <  sun  to  go  down  on  his  wrath.'  Mr. 
Justice  Grose,' however,  appears  to  me  to  have 
proved  himself  to  have  been  a  very  gross  justice, 


91 

when  the  foe  is  sent  to  Hades, 
OuY  champion,  among  the  ladies, 
Will  be  a  favourite,  for  they  want 
A  bully  always  as  gallant.  66 


in  telling  the  jury  that  the  law  does  not  recognize 
certain  nice  distinctions  which  are  adopted  by  men 
of  honour.  If,  however,  his  assertion  be  true,  it 
is  proper  that  there  should  be  an  Act  of  Parliament 
passed  immediately,  giving  us  GENTLEMEN  the 
privilege  of  killing  each  other,  which  would  save 
government  the  expence  of  hemp,  hangmen,  &.c. 

66  A  bully  always  as  gallant. 

The  ladies  will  not  suppose  that  I  mean  any 
reflection  on  the  beautiful  part  of  the  creation,  for 
they  very  well  know  that  '  none  but  the  BRAVE 
deserve  the  fair.' 


. 

CANTO    III. 

MANIFESTO. 

ARGUMENT. 

The  Poet  now,,. with  Discord's  clarion, 

Preludes  the  war  we  mean  to  carry  on ; 

And  sends  abroad  a  PROCLAMATION 

Against  Perkinean  conjuration; 

Proves  that  we  ought  to  hang  the  Tractors 

On  gibbet  high,  like  malefactors, 

And  with  them  that  pestiferous  corps, 

Who  keep  alive  the  paltry  Poor ; 

By  reasons  sound,  as  e'er  were  taken, 

From  Aristotle,  Locke,  or  Bacon. 

BUT  if  you  cannot  find  some  one, 

As  bold  as  Attila  the  Hunn, 

T'  attack  the  conjuring  tractoriwg  noddy, 

And  fairly  bore  him  through  the  body  ; 

Collect  a  host  of  our  profession, 
With  all  their  weapons  in  possession ; 
And  met  arm-is,  then  we'll  push  on, 
And  crush  Perkinean  Institution, 


94 

But  first,  in  flaming  MANIFESTO, 
(To  let  John  bull  and  all  the  rest  know, 
Why  we  should  on  these  fellows  trample, 
And  make  the  rogues  a  sad  example) 

Say  to  the  public  all  you  can  say, 
Of  magic  spells,  and  necromancy; 
That  Perkins  and  his  crew  are  wizards, 
Conceal' d  in.  sanctimonious  vizards. 

Say  to  the  public  all  you  can  say, 

Of  wonder-working  power  of  fancy  : 

Tell  what  imagination's  force  is 

In  crows  and  infants,  dogs  and  horses :  6? 

67  In  crows  and  infants,  dogs  and  horses. 
These  are  among  the  fiatients  whose  cures  are 
attested  in  Perkins's  publication,  in  which  he 
introduced  them  to  show  that  his  Tractors  do  not 
cure  by   an   influence  on  the  imagination.     T 
fallacy  of  any  deductions,  drawn  from  such  cases, 
in  favour  of  the  Tractors,  will  be  apparent  from 
the  following  most  learned  and  elaborate  investi 
gation  of  the  subject,  i,  n  :n 
b  There  are  no  animals  in  existence,  I  shall  m- 
contestibly    prove,   that  are  more   susceptible :  oi 
impressions  from  imagination,  than  those  abo 
mentioned. 


95 

Tell  how  their  minds— but  here  you  old  men 
May  trust  the  younkers  under  Coleman;  68 


To  beg-in  with  the  crow.  Strong  mental  facul 
ties  ever  indicate  a  vivid  imagination  ;  and  what 
being,  except  Minerva's  beauty  the  owl,  is  more 

renowned   for   such  faculties,   than   the    crow 

\Vho  does  not  know  that  he  will  smell  gun-powder 
three  miles,  if  it  be  in  a  gun,  and  he  imagine  it  be 
intended  for  his  destruction?  These  emblems  of 
sagacity,  besides  <  fetching  and  carrying  like  a 
<  spaniel,'  and  talking,  as  well  or  better  than 
Colonel  Kelly's  parrot,  (which  by  the  bye  I  sus 
pect  to  have  been  a  crow)  are,  as  Edwards  assures 
us  in  his  *  Natural  History'  *  the  planters  of  all 

*  sorts  of  wood  and  trees.'     «  I  observed, 'says  he, 
4  a   great  quantity  of  crows  very   busy  at  their 
1  work.     I   went  out  of  my  way  on  purpose  to 

*  view  their  labour,  and  I  found  they  were  plant- 
«  ing  a  grove  of  oaks.'     Vol.  V.  Pref.  xxxv. 

These  genuises  always  can  tell,  and  always  have 
told,  since  the  days  of  Virgil,  the  approach  of 
rain.  That  poet  says, 

1  Turn  Comix  plena  pluviam  vocat  improba  voce.' 

They  can  likewise  tell  when  bad  news  is  com 
ing,  as  we  learn  from  the  same  writer, 

<  Sscpe  sinistra  cava  prxdixit-ab  ilice  Comix.' 

Now  I  beg  leave  to  know  what  mortal  can  do 
more  ?  and  to  suppose  a  crow  not  blessed  with 
those  more  brilliant  parts,  under  which  imagine. 


96 


For  graduates  at  horses'  college, 
Most  certainly  arc  men  of  knowledge, ! 


tion  is  classed,  is  to  do  them  a  singular  injustice, 
which  I  shall  certainly  resent  on  every  occasion. 

Now  as  to  infants.  Whoever  has  been  in  the 
way  of  an  acquaintance  with  some  of  the  more 
musical  sort  of  these  little  gentry,  (like  my  seven 
last  darlings  for  instance)  and  has  been  serenaded 
with  the  dulcet  sonatas  of  their  warbling  strains, 
will  not  be  drsposed  to  deny  their  powers  on  the 
imagination  of  others.  I  have  known  the  delusion 
practised  so  effectually  by  these  young  conjurors, 
that  I  have  myself  imagined  my  head  was  actual 
ly  aching  most  violently,  even  on  the  point  of 
cracking  open  ;  but  on  going  beyond  the  reach  of 
their  magic  spell,  that  is,  out  of  hearing,  my  head 
has  been  as  free  from  pain  as  it  necessarily  must 
be  at  this  moment  while  I  am  penning  this  lucid 
performance.  Now  I  maintain  it  to  be  most 
unphilosophical,  and  totally  opposite  to  certain, 
new  principles  in  ethics,  which  I  shall  establish 
in  a  future  publication,  to  suppose  that  infants 
should  be  able  to  impart  either  pleasure  or  pain, 
by  operating  on  the  imagination,  and  not  them 
selves  possess  a  large  share  of  that  imagination, 
by  the  aid  of  which  they  operate  to  bo  much  effect 
upon  others. 

Next  come  dogs.  Dr.  Shaw,  in  his  l  Zoology,' 
Vol.  I.  p.  289,  informs  us,  '  that  a  dog  belonging 

*  to  a   nobleman    of  the   Medici   family,   always 
(  attended  his   masters  table,  changed  the  plates 

*  for  him,  carried  him  his  wine  in  a  glass  placed 
6  on  a  salver,  without  spilling   the  smallest  drop.' 
The  celebrated  Leibnitz  mentions  another  a  &ub- 


97 

That  though  imagination  cures, 
With  aid  of  pair  of  patent  skewers. 


ject  of  the  Elector  of  Saxony,  who  could  discourse 
in  an  *  intelligible  manner,'  especially  on  '  tea, 

*  coffee,  and  chocolate;'  whether  in  Greek,  Latin, 
German,  or  English,  however,  he  has  not  stated; 
but  Dr.  Shaw,  alluding  to  the  same  dog,  says,  un 
doubtedly  under  the  influence  of  prejudice,  i  he 

*  was  somewhat  of  a  truant,  and  did  not  willingly 

*  exert  his  talents,  being  rather  pressed  into  the 
1  service  of  literature.' 

Indeed  our  greatest  naturalists  assure  us,  that 
.this  animal  is  far  before  the  human  rpecies  in 
every  ennobling  quality.  Buffon  makes  man  a 
very  devil  compared  with  the  dog;  and  had  he 
come  directly  to  the  point,  I  presume  he  would 
have  told  us  that  the  dog  is  one  link  above  man 
in  the  great  chain  from  the  fossil  to  the  angel. 
'  Without  the  dog,'  says  Buffon,  i  how  could  man 
1  have  been  able  to  tame  and  reduce  other  animals 

<  into  slavery  ?     To  preserve   his  own  safety,   it 
'  was  necessary  to  make  friends  among  those  ani- 

<  mals  whom  he  found  capable  of  attachment.   The 

*  fruit  of  associating'  with  the  dog  was  the  conquest 

*  and  the  peaceable  possession  of  the  earth.     The 

*  dog  will  always  preserve  his  empire.    He  reigns 
(  at  the  head  of  a  flock,  and  makes  himself  better 
4  understood  than  the  voice  of  the  shepherd,'  (well 
he  might,  for  it  appears  he  is  more  knowing,  more 
powerful,  and  more  just.)     '  Safety,  order,  and 

*  discipline,  are  the  fruits  of  his  vigilance  and  ac- 
4  tivity.     They  are  a  people  submitted  to  his  ma- 

M 


98 

Still  such  relief  cannot  be  real,. 
For  pain  itself  is  all  ideal  69 


*  nagement,  whom  he  conducts  and  protects,  and 

*  against  whom  he  never  employs  force  but  for  the 

*  preservation  of  peace  and  good  order.'    BARK'S 
BUFFON,  Vol.  V.  p.  302. 

It  is  to  me  somewhat  remarkable  that  theorizing 
Frenchmen,  many  of  whose  discoveries  are  scarce 
ly  less  important  than  my  own,  cannot  make  them 
aPPly>  in  such  a  manner,  as  to  effect  some  Jii-aai- 
cal  good  in  society.  Buffon  discovered  that  a  dog 
was  a  species  of  demi-god,  and  appears  on  the 
point  of  worshipping  this  great  Anubis  of  the 
Egyptians.  Voltaire  tells  us,  that  Frenchmen  are 
half  monkey  and  half  tiger,  and  every  body  knou  s 
that  the  one  is  insufferably  mischievous,  and  the 
other  infinitely  ferocious.  Now  it  is  surprising 
that  these  philosophers  could  not  contrive  to  im 
prove  the  breed  by  a  little  of  the  canine  blood. 
Indeed  I  should  advise  them  to  import  some  of 
our  Bond-Street  male  puppies,  to  be  paired  with 
French  female  monkies^  and  I  will  venture  to  as 
sert  there  will  be  very  little  of  the  tiger  perceiva 
ble  in  their  offspring.  And  since  a  dog,  as  Buf 
fon  says,  '  reigns  with  so  much  dignity,  *  at  the 
'  head  of  a  flock,  wrill  always  preserve  his  empire, 

*  never   employs  force  but  for  the  preservation  of 
1  peace  and  good  order J  and  is  endowed  with  so 
many  other    great   qualifications,  which  seem  to 
denote  him  to  be  a  proper  personage  to  wield 
the   sceptre  of  dominion,  I  would  seriously  ad 
vise  the  Abbe  Sieyes,  when  he  frames  his  99tfih 


99 

Say  that  friend  Davy,  when  lie  was 
Inspir'cl  with  his  oraculous  gas, 


constitution  for  the  free  French  Republic,  (which 
it  is  said  he  has  already  begun  to  manufacture), 
so  to  organize  the  Executive  branch,  that  at  least 
one  of  the  Consuls  should  be  a  true  blooded  En 
glish  Bull-clog. 

After  the  ample  proof  I  have  now  given  of  the 
infinite  superiority  of  the  dog  to  man,  when  his 
merits  ^re  fairly  estimated,  which  it  is  very  diffi 
cult  for  us,  being  interested,  to  do  without  preju 
dice,  I  shall  take  it  for  granted,  that  he  must  pos 
sess  all  the  brilliancy  even  of  a  poet's  imagina 
tion,  and  therefore  that  he  is  far  more  likely  to 
be  cured  by  imagination  than  any  man. 

It  now  remains  to  speak  of  horses,  and  these, 
(not  to  meniion  the  Bucephalus  of  Alexander,  or 
the  Pegasus  of  Doctor  Caustic)  I  shall  show,  in  a 
very  few  words,  can  boast  of  performances  and 
qualifications,  to  which  a  lively  fancy  in  the  com 
parison  is  bitt  as  the  wit  of  an  oyster  to  the  wis- 
<lom  of  a  philosopher.  One  of  the  most  scientific 
nations  that  ever  existed,  renowned  alike  for  its 
refinements  in  the  arts,  and  prowess  in  war,  has 
been  compelled  to  yield  the  palm  to  the  superior 
attainments  of  a  horse,  and  acknowledge  its  ina 
bility  to  achieve  what  he  most  readily  effected. 
Ten  long  years  was  the  whole  power  of  Greece 
engaged  in  an  ineffectual  siege  of  far-famed  Troy. 
The  bravest  of  armies,  commanded  by  heroes  al 
lied  to  the  gods,  assailed  the  foe  in  vain.  At  this 
disheartening  period  stepped  forth  a  wooden  horse, 
and  promised  a  victory,  provided  his  plans  were 


100 

Utter' d  this  solemn  truth,  that  nought 
E'er  had  existence,  only  thought !  7° 


adopted.  Aware  of  the  horse's  great 
which  enabled  him  to  comprehend  a  great  number 
of  subjects^  the  sagacious  Greeks  entered  into  his 
measures,  and  Troy  was  levelled  in  the  dust. 

If  all  this  could  have  been  accomplished  by  a 
•wooden  horse,  none  but  a  Perkimte  will  be  so  ab 
surd  as  to  pretend  that  one  composed  ot  flesh  and 
bloody  like  man,  does  not  enjoy  far  greater  privi 
leges,  among  which  are  those  of  receiving  as  ma 
ny  cures  by  the  influence  of  imagination  as  he 
pleases. 

Now  then,  gentlemen,  I  trust  that  if  any  man 
will  con  over,  digest  comprehend,  and  admit  this 
jny  ingenious  and  learned  exposition  of  the  fallacy 
of  the  arguments  in  favour  of  the  Tractors,  so 
jnuch  harped  upon  by  our  adversaries,  which  are 
drawn  fro-m  the  circumstance  of  their  having  cur 
ed  crows  and  infants,  dogs  and  horses,  he  will 
with  great  facility  be  enabled  to  confflund  and  over 
throw  them  on  all  occasions,  provided  he  enforce 
and  proclaim  it  with  the  ardency  its  importance 
deserves. 

68  May  trust  the  younkers  under  Coleman- 

Search  the  field  of  science,  and  you  will  not  find 
labourers  more  in  want  of  employment  than  the 
above  gentry.  For  so  prolific  is  this  Alma  Mater 
in  qualifying  the  rising  generation  of  veterinaries, 
that  three  months  looking  on,  and  twenty  guinea* 
fee  to  the  ingenious  professor,  will  convert  the- 


101 

What  though  they  say,  why  to  be  sure, 
If  we  by  Fancy's  aid  can  CURE  ; 


veriest  dunce  into  a  veterinary  of  the  first  water, 
to  the  no  small  discomfiture  of  every  farrier  within 
many  miles  of  his  range. 

But  I  would  by  no  means  recommend  your 
trusting  to  the  Professor  himself  for  any  aid  in  this 
business.  No,  he  has  no  interest  in  the  affair. 
Let  the  Tractors  cure  all  the  infirm  horses  in 
England,  and  what  cares  the  professor  ?  Why  he 
has  only  to  put  up  his  petition,  as  he  has  done 
already  several  times,  under  the  dome  of  St.  Ste 
phen's,  and  all  wants  are  satisfied.  Fifteen  hun 
dred  a  year,  besides  cheese-parings,  to  twice  the 
amount,  are  no  inconsiderable  matters  in  the  esti 
mation  of  a  garreteer  like  Dr.  Caustic.  Were 
Parliament  to  reward  me  for  my  discoveries  and 
labours,  for  the  good  of  the  human,  in  proportion 
to  their  munificence  to  the  Professor  for  his  ser 
vices  to  the  caballine  race,  I  should  have  had  a 
dozen  Dukedoms,  and  the  Clerkship  of  the  Pells, 
which  was  lately  given,  by  his  firo-uident  Sire,  to 
Master  Adding  ton,  into  the  bargain. 

Trust,  therefore,  the  younkers  under  Coleman  ; 
for  they,  being  actuated  by  the  same  spirit  which 
impels  me  to  attack  Perkinism,  will  prove  power 
ful  allies  in  our  glorious  cause. 

69  For  pain  itself  is  all  ideal. 

So  said  the  learned  Bishop  Berkley,  in  a  scien 
tific  treatise  called  '  Principles  of  Human  Know 
ledge,'  in  which  his  Reverence  makes  it  apparent, 
to  those  who  have  a  clue  to  his  metaphysical 
M  2 


102 

Then  why  not  use  Imagination, 
A  cheap  and  simple  operation  ? 

SAY  NATURE  THROUGH  HER  WORKS  INTENDS 

ALL  THINGS  TO  ANSWER  SOME  GREAT  ENDS: 

THUS  SHE   FORM'D   DRUGS  TO   PURGE  AND 

SHAKE, 

THEN  MAN,   OF  COURSE,  THOSE  DRUGS   TO 
TAKE.  7i 


labyrinth,  that  there  is  no  such  thing  as  matter, 
entity,  or  sensatron,  distinct  from  the  mind  which 
perceives,  or  thinks  it  perceives,  such  ideas  or 
substances.  The  Bishop's  authority  being  so  pat 
in  point,  I  cannot  but  admire  that  it  has  not  more 
frequently  been  adduced  in  opposition  to  the 
Tractors. 

7°  E'er  had  existence,  only  thought  f 

For  the  particulars  of  this  important  discovery 
turn  back  to  Note  9. 

71  THEN  MAN,  OF  COURSE,  THOSE  DRUGS  TO 
TAKE. 

This  CAPITAL  argument,  that  it  might  make  a 
CAPITAL  figure,  I  have  ordered  my  printer  to  put 
in  CAPITAL  letters,  and  I  hope  it  will  make  a  CA 
PITAL  impression  on  your  Worshipful  intellects. 
But  still  I  have  not  given  it  half  that  pre-eminence 


103 

That  learn'd  physicians  pine  with  hunger,  T2 
The  while  a  spruce  young  patent-monger 


which  its  importance  claims,  under  existing  cir 
cumstances.  A  great  hue  and  cry  has  been  raised 
by  the  Perkinites,  by  which  some  of  the  less  pe 
netrating  part  of  the  profession  have  been  awed 
into  silence,  respecting  the  duty  of  medical  prac 
titioners.  They  say  that  it  is  the  duty  of  a  Me 
dical  Man  to  employ  only  such  means  as  will  cure 
his  patient  in  the  most  safe,  cheafi,  and  expeditions 
manner.  This  infamous  pretension  takes  its  origin 
from  no  other  person  than  Perkins  himself.  That 
you  may  individually  be  aware  of  the  effrontery 
with  which  it  is  brought  forward,  I  shall,  in  this 
note,  copy  from  Perkins's  book  his  manner  of 
treating  the  subject.  Your  Worships  will  form 
some  idea  of  the  magnitude  of  this  objection  of 
our  adversaries,  in  their  own  estimation,  and  "the 
mischief  it  has  already  occasioned,  not  only  in 
Great  Britain,  but  abroad,  when  I  inform  you  that 
it  has  been  echoed  in  both  the  English  and  foreign 
Journals,  and  in  many  of  them  treated  as  a  com 
plete  refutation  of  the  arguments  of  Dr.  Haygarth, 
and  of  all  who  object  against  the  Tractors,  on 
account  of  their  curing  diseases  merely  by  ope 
rating  on  the  imagination.  Among  other  foreign 
publications,  I  observe  that  the  21st  volume'of 
the  Bibliotheque  Britannique,  printed  at  Geneva, 
closes  a  long  account  (40  pages)  of  l  Perkinisma* 
with  this  *  petite  histoire  de  Mr.  Perkins.' 


104 

Contrives  to  wheedle  simple  ninnies, 
And  tractorise  away  our  guineas. 


e  A  gentleman  came  from  the  country  to  Lon 
don,  for  the  advantage  of  Medical  assistance, 
in  a  complaint  of  peculiar  obstinacy  and  distress. 
After  being  under  the  care  of  an  eminent  phy 
sician  several  weeks,  and  paying  him  upwards 
of  thirty  guineas,  without  any  relief,  he  was 
induced  to  try  the  Tractors.  To  be  short,  they 
performed  a  remarkable  cure  ;  the  person  was 
perfectly  restored  in  about  ten  days.  The  phy 
sician  calling  soon  after,  was  informed  of  the 

*  circumstance.     He  began  lamenting  that  so  sen- 

*  sible  a  person  as  the  patient  should  be  caught 

*  in  the  use  of  so  contemptible  apiece  of  quackery 

*  as  the  Tractors.     After  assuring  the  patient  that 
1  he  had  thrown  away  his  five  guineas,  for  that  it 
<  was  well  established  by  Dr.  Haygarth,  that  a 

*  brick-bat,  tobacco-pipe,  goose-quill,  or  even  the 
c  bare  linger,  would  perform  the  same  cures,  he 

*  was  interrupted  by  his  patient:  "  And  are  you 
"  sincere  in  your  belief  that  you  could  have  pro- 
"  duced,  by  those  means,    the  same  effects  upon 
"  me,  which  I  have  experienced  from  the  Trac- 
w  tors?"     "  Do  1  believe  it?     Ay,  I  know  it;  and 
"  that  a  thousand  similar  cures  might  be  effected 
"  by  means    equally    simple    and   ridiculous."— 
14  And  Sir,"  interrupted  the  gentleman  again,  in 

*  a  more  stern  and  serious  tone,  "  why  did  you 
"  not   cure    me   then    by    those    simfite    means  ? 
"  Remember  I  have  paid  you  thirty  guineas,  un- 
"  cler   the    supposition    that   you  were    exerting 
"  your  utmost  endeavours  to  cure  me,  and  that 
"  in  the  most  safe;  cheap,  and  expeditious  manner. 


105 
i 

That  many  thousand  cures  attested 
Show  death's  cold  hand  full  oft  arrested; 


"  You  now  in  substance  acknowledge*  that,  al- 
"  though  in  possession  of  the  means  of  restoring 
"  me  to  health,  for  the  dishonourable  purpose  of 
"  picking  my  pocket,  you  continued  me  upon  the 
"  bed  of  sickness  !  Who  turns  out  to  be  the  im- 
"  postor.  Let  your  own  conscience  answer." 

*  The  justness  of  the  retort,  it  will  be  easily  be- 

*  lieved,  precluded  the  possibility  of  an  exculpa- 
«  tioii.' 

Perkins's  J\t*w  Cases ,  p.  145* 

Had  I  been  the  physician,  however,  I  would 
have  rejoined  with  arguments,  not  dissimilar  to 
that  which  is  so  beautifully  expressed  in  the  above 
stanza.  I  would  have  told  him  that  the  Author 
of  Nature  most  certainly  would  not  have  created 
either  a  poisonous  or  salubrious  vegetable,  with 
out  intending  that  it  should  '  dose  and  double 
close'  his  creature  man. 

Should  it  be  objected  that  the  Tractors  being 
also  created  substances  ought  also  to  be  used,  I 
could  ingenuously  retort,  that  they  were  created 
in  America,  a  country,  whose  natives  are  Indians, 
an  inferior  order  of  beings  to  man,  as  some  great 
philosophers  before  me  have  asserted,  and  who, 
it  is  evident,  are  the  only  order  of  creatures,  on 
whom  it  was  intended  the  Tractors  should  be 
used. 

I  have  no  particular  wish  to  injure  Dr.  Jenner, 
or  I  should  positively  overturn  him  and  all  his 
adherents  with  my  resistless  arguments.  If  I 
were  not  willing  that  he  should  retain  his  popu- 


106 

But  those  who  from  his  prey  would  part 
Should  manage  things  secundum  artem. 


larity,  T  should  make  it  appear  that  the  small-pox 
"was  created  with  the  intent  of  being  universally 
propagated  among  the  human  race  for  the  pur 
pose  of  mortifying  female  vanity  ;  and  Jenner's 
attempt  to  extirpate  it,  by  substituting  the  cow- 
pox,  which  ought  to  have  been  confined  to  the 
quadrupeds,  among  which  it  originated,  as  the 
Tractors  ought  to  have  been  to  the  Indians,  is  the 
extreme  of  presumption,  and  the  height  of  ini 
quity.  I  cannot  but  conceive  that  our  bishops 
and  clergy  are  very  remiss  in  not  endeavouring 
to  dissuade  from  such  enormous,  innovating 
practices. 

7*  That  learn'd  Physicians  pine  with  hunger. 

Nfl  man  \vlid  possesses  a  heart,  Certainly  none 
who  possesses  bowels,  can  view  us  reduced  to  this 
deplorable  condition,  and  hear  this  pathetic  ap 
peal,  without  the  sincerestcoinmisseration.  The 
eminent  services  that  our  profession  have  rendered 
mankind,  in  contributing  to  avert  some  of  the 
greatest  curses  that  ever  btfel  the  civilized  part 
of  the  world,  are  too  well  known,  and  have  been 
too  frequently  acknowledged  to  be  forgotten, 
ungratefully,  in  the  day  of  our  adversity.  The 
testimony  to  this  effect  of  the  judicious,  the 
humane  Addison,  ought  often  to  be  brought  before 
the  public  eye. 

*  We  may  lay  it  down  as  a  maxim,'  says  that 
intelligent  writer,  <  that  when  a  nation  abounds. 
4  with  physicians  it  grows  thin  ot  people.  Sir 
'  William  Temple  is  very  much  puzzled  to  find 


107 

That  none  should  ancient  customs  vary, 
Nor  leges  physic*?  mutare; 
And  thus  to  gain  a  cure  unlook'd  for. 
The  patient  save,  but  starve  the  doctor.  73 


*  out  a  reason  why  the  northern  hive,  as  he  calls 
1  it,   does  not  send  such  prodigious  swarms,   and 

*  overrun  the  world  with  Goths  and  Vandals,  as  it 

*  did  formerly;  but  had  that  excellent  author  ob- 

*  served  that   there  were  no  students  in  physic 

<  among  the  subjects  of  Thor  and  Woden,   and 

*  that   this  science  very  much  flourishes  in  the 

*  north  at  present,  he  might  have  found  a  better 

<  solution  for  this  difficulty  than  any  of  those  he 

*  has  made  use  of.'     Spectator,  No.  2i. 

73  The  patient  save,  but  starve  the  doctor. 

This  would  be  abominable.  Physicians,  in  ge 
neral,  are  a  hale  hearty  race  of  men,  as,  indeed, 
must  be  readily  conceived  from  their  prudent 
maxims  in  regard  to  the  preservation  of  their  own 
health : — they  take  no  physic.  No,  they  are  too 
well  acquainted  with  its  tendency.  Now  to  starve 
so  sturdy  and  powerful  a  body,  when  his  Majesty- 
is  in  want  of  such  subjects  to  check  the  ambitious 
strides  of  restless  Bonaparte,  as  appears  from  the 
King's  Declaration  of  this  day  (May  the  16th, 
1803),  in  preference  to  letting  their  miserable 
patients  expire,  whom  Providence  evidently  in 
tended  should  die  off,  is,  I  trust,  too  absurd  and 
unreasonable  an  idea  to  be  admitted. 


108 

That,  though  the  Perldnistic  fellows 
May  have  the  impudence  to  tell  us, 
That  they  can  muster,  on  emergence, 
Renown' d  physicians,  learned  surgeons; 

With  many  other  men  of  merit, 
Philanthropy  and  public  spirit, 
Nat  your  self-puffing  sons  of  vanity, 
But  real  HOWARDS  of  humanity. 

Say  that  those  surgeons  and  physicians 
Are  but  a  conjuring  set  of  rich  ones, 
Who,  having  made  their  fortunes,  therefore 
JIave  very  little  else  to  care  for. 

Since* they've  no  interest  nor  right  in 
The  very  cause  for  which  they're  fighting, 
Such  non-commissiori'd  volunteers, 
In  eye  of  law,  are  bucancers. 

Awd  as  by  law  a  man  may  fire  at, 

At  any  time,  a  rascal  pirate, 

So  we,  with  justice  on  our  side, 

IVJay  hang  these  rogues  before  they're  try'd. 


109 


Then  draw  a  just,  but  black  comparison, 
Which,  if  they've  feelings  left,  will  harrass  'ena, 
'Twixt  Tractoring  Perkinites,  so  smart, 
And  other  dealers  in  black  art. 


That  is,  the  chimney-sweeps,  so  sooty, 
Whose  deeds,  like  Perkinites,  are  smutty ; 
But  as  they  are  aspiring  geniuses, 
Like  Perkinites,  they  find  Macaenasses.  74 

But  chimney-sweepers  and  Perkineans 
Are  such  a  scurvy  set  of  minions, 
That  not  one  rogue  among  them  back'd  is 
Except  by  knaves  rctir'd  from  practice.  75 


74  Like  Perkinites  they  find  Macxriasses. 

The  Perkineans  have  no  cause  to  boast  of  the 
extent  of  their  patronage,  for  the  poor  tawny  rep 
tile-chimney-sweepers  have  of  late  interested  the 
friends  of  humanity  in  their  behalf  quite  as  much. 
Your  Worships  will  derive  from  this  circumstance 
a  very  pleasant  source  for  sneering1  at  our  oppo 
nents,  which  I  am  sure  you  will  gladly  embrace, 
whenever  opportunity  presents. 

75  Except  by  knaves  retir'd  from  practice. 

This,  gentlemen,  is  a  circumstance  of  no  small 
moment,  and  which  I  trust  you  will  see  the  neces- 

N 


110 

That  though  certificates  he  dish  up, 
From  surgeon,  doctor,  parson,  bishop; 


sity  of  looking  at  with  some  seriousness.  Some 
of  our  profession  have,  to  their  eternal  disgrace, 
since  their  retirement  on  their  fortunes,  deserted 
our  cause,  and  are  now  to  be  found  in  the  ranks 
of  our  enemies.  These  fellows  have  the  presump 
tion  to  suggest  that  their  duty  to  the  interests  of 
the  community  supersedes  that  which  they  owe  to 
their  old  brethren,  the  unreasonableness  of  which 
sentiment  I  conceive  to  be  self-evident,  and  there 
fore  shall  not  trouble  myself  to  prove  it.  Several 
have  even  addressed  to  the  Perkinean  Institution 
communications  in  favour  of  the  Metallic  Trac 
tors,  for  publication,  three  of  which  are  already 
laid  before  the  public.  The  first  on  this  list,  is 
Mr.  Lyster,  late  of  Dublin,  who  having  been  above 
20  years  senior  surgeon  of  the  Dublin  Hospital, 
retired  to  Bath,  where  he  now  seems  even  to 
take  delight  in  benefitting  the  mean  and  misera 
ble  poor,  to  the  wanton  injury  of  his  own  dear 
brethren.  To  shew  the  extent  of  his  malice,  he 
has,  in  his  communication  to  the  Perkinean  So 
ciety,  introduced  statements  of  remarkable  cures 
by  the  Tractors  ;  among  others  one  of  total  blind 
ness  of  many  years  duration,  in  which  all  medical 
skill  had  previously  failed;  and,  to  wind  up  this 
tale  of  infamy,  he  has  even  ventured  to  censure, 
indirectly,  my  great  champion,  Dr.  Haygarth,  and 
to  hint  that  his  proceedings  were  not  accompanied 
with  honourable  intentions ! 

Next  on  this  trio  list  are  Mr.  Yatman,  of  Chel 
sea,  and  Dr.  Fuller,  of  Upper  Brook-street,  the 


Ill 

From  gentle,  simple,  yeomen,  squires, 
'Tis  written,  f  that  all  men  are  liars  T 


conduct  of  both  of  whom  is  equally,  if  not  more 
reprehensible  than  Lyster's.  These  two  also  call 
in  the  lame,  the  halt,  and  the  blind,  and,  as  if  to 
spite  their  brethren  who  have  drugs  to  sell,  cure 
them  with  the  Tractors  without  fee  or  reward ! 
Such  conduct  is  so  atrocious  that  if  your  Wor 
ships  should  think  proper  to  have  them  indicted, 
and  Mr.  Erskine  or  Mr.  Garrow  object  to  defend 
the  cause  of  such  clients,  I  Counsellor  Caustic  (re 
member  I  am  LL.D.)  will  manage  it  for  you,  and, 
provided  I  can  but  get  that  same  jury  which  de 
cided  that  Capt.  Macnamara  was  not  accessary  to 
the  death  of  Col.  Montgomery,  I  will  procure  the 
defendants  to  be  sent  to  Botany  Bay,  or  at  least 
as  far  as  Coventry. 

To  shew  the  barbarity  and  wantonness  of  these 
two  men,  I  will  close  this  note  by  the  following 
quotation  from  the  letter  of  one  of  them,  Dr.  Ful 
ler,  who,  after  a  practice  of  nearly  30  years  in 
medicine,  and  by  which  he  has  secured  his  own 
independence,  seems  now  to  amuse  himself  in 
undermining  those  of  us,  who  are  still  dependant. 
After  a  statement  of  a  number  of  great  cures  by 
the  Tractors,  and  proving,  by  his  own  trials  on 
infants,  Sec.  that  they  do  not  act  on  imagination, 
which  Dr.  Haygarth  so  laudably  attempted  to 

shew,  he  proceeds : c  I  derive  much  satisfac- 

'  tion  in  noticing  among  the  more  liberal  and  re- 

*  spectable  part  of  my  profession  an  increased  fa- 

*  vourable  opinion  of  Perkinism,  and  a  readiness 

*  to  allow  of  its  use  among  their  patients,  when 


That  grant  his  Tractors  cure  diseases, 
Folks  ought  to  die  just  when  God  pleases ; 


*  proposed  by  others.     To  expect  more  than  this, 

*  would  be  to  expect  raore  than  human  nature  in 
'  its  present  state  will  admit r     It  must  be  an  ex* 
9  traordinary  exertion  of  virtue  and  humanity  for 
4  a  medical  man,  whose  livelihood  depends  either 
'  on  the  sale  of  drugs,  or  on  receiving  a  Guinea 

*  for  writing;  a  prescription,  which  must  relate  to 
4  those  drugs,  to  say  to  his  patient,  "  You  had  bet- 
K  ter  purchase  a,  s-et  of  Tractors  to  keep  in  you? 
"  family ;  they  will  cure  you  without  the  expence 
"  of  my  attendance,  or  the  danger  of  the  common 
41  medical  practice."     For  very  obvious  reasons 

*  medical  men  must  never  be  expected  to  recom- 

*  mend  the  use  of  Perkinism.    The  Tractors  must 

*  trust  for  their  patronage  to  the  enlightened  and 
c  philanthropic  out  of  the  profession,  or  to  medi- 
c  cal  men  retired  from  practice,  and  who  know  of 
fc  no  other  interest  than  the  luxury  of  relieving  the 
4  distressed*     And  I  do  not  despair  of  seeing  the 

*  day,  when  but  very  few  of  this  description  as 
4  well  as  private  families  will  be   without  them.' 
If  Dr.  Fuller  were  obliged  to  live  in  my  garret 
one  month,  he  would  sing  a  different  tune. 

76  From  surgeon,  doctor,  parson,  bishop. 

The  following  statement  (an  arrant  lie,  I  dare 
say),  I  copy  from  the  report  of  the  Perkinistic 
Committee,  on  the  establishment  of  their  institu 
tion.  The  reasons  for  adducing  it  here  are  two 
fold,  both  of  which  are  weighty*  First,  if  it  be 
false,  we  shall  be  able  to  blow  them  up  at  once,  a& 


113 

But  most  of  all  the  dirty  poor, 

Who  make,  quoth  Darwin,  good  manure.  77 


authors  of  infamous  lies;  and  secondly,  if  it  be 
true,  I  need  not  suggest  to  you  the  pressing  ne 
cessity  there  is  for  your  exertions  in  arresting  a 
growing  monster,  that  is  making  such  rapid  strides 
in  the  invasion  of  your  rights.  Hear  the  following : 

*  Mr.  Perkins  has  annually  laid  before  the  pub- 
lie  a  large  collection  of  new  cases,  communicat 
ed  to  him  for  that  purpose,  by  disinterested  and 
intelligent  characters,  from  almost  every  quarter 
of  Great-Britain.  In  regard  to  the  competency 
of  these  vouchers,  it  will  be  sufficient  simply  to 
state,  that,  amongst  others  whose  names  have 
been  attached  to  their  communications,  are  eight 
Professors  in  four  different  Universities,  twenty- 
one  regular  Physicians,  nineteen  Surgeons,  thirty 
Clergymen,  twelve  of  whom  are  Doctors  of  Di 
vinity,  and  numerous  other  characters  of  equal 
respectability.  The  cases  published  by  these 
gentlemen  amounted  in  March  last,  the  date  of 
Air.  Perkins's  last  publication,  to  about  five  thou 
sand.  Supposing  that  not  more  than  one  cure 
in  three  hundred,  which  the  Tractors  have  per 
formed,  has  been  published,  and  the  proportion 
is  probably  much  greater,  it  will  be  seen,  that  the 
number,  to  March  last,  will  have  exceeded  one 
'  million  five  hundred  thousand  1' 

Now,  as  I  suggested  in  the  beginning  of  this 
note,  I  have  no  hesitation  in  pronouncing  the  whole 
of  this  statement  a  string  of  infamous  falsehoods, 
and  ihese  pretended  respectable  characters  who 

N  2 


114 

That  when  the  Russians,  logger-headed, 
Were  kill'd  by  Frenchmen,  ever  dreaded, 


have  given  their  sanction  thereto,  are  neither  more 
nor  less  than  pensioners  of  Perkins.  And,  as  by 
the  mouth  of  two  or  three  witnesses  every  word 
may  be  established,  I  hereby  offer  myself  to  join 
in  forming  a  Trio  U>  go  before  the  Lord  Mayor, 
and  take  an  oath  to  that  effect.  Then  the  busi 
ness  will  be  done.  I  have  in  my  eye  a  young 
surgeon  at  Bristol,  who,  I  dare  say,  will  make  one 
most  readily,  and  I  am  sure  that  a  very  redoubted 
apothecary  of  the  same  name,  at  Newington,  will 
turn  out  for  another. 

77  Who  make,  quoth  Darwin,  good  manure* 

'Besides  the  advantage  of  shewing  how  reve 
rently  this  great  philosopher  and  philanthropist 
could  speak  of  religion,  I  am  sure  I  shall  render 
an  essential  service  to  agriculturalists,  by  adduc 
ing  the  following  quotation.  I  bring  it  forward 
the  more  readily,  as  I  find  that  the  Board  of  Agri 
culture  have  been  so  negligent  of  the  interest  of 
that  noble  art,  as  not  yet  to  have  recommended 
the  universal  adoption  of  this  measure  : 

*  There  should  be  no  burial  places  in  churches, 
or  church-yards,  where  the  monuments  of  departed 
sinners  shoulder  God's  cliar  and  pollute  his  holy 
places  with  dead  men's  bones.  But  proper  bu 
rial  places  should  be  consecrated  out  of  towns, 
and  divided  into  two  compartments,  the  earth 
from  one  of  which;  saturated  with  animal  de- 


115 

Darwin  rejoic'd  the  filthy  creatures 

Would  serve  for  stock  to  make  musquitoes.  78 


*  composition,  should  be  taken  away  once  in  ten 

*  or  twenty  years,  for  the  purposes  of  agriculture, 
4  and  sand  or  clay,  or  less  fertile  soil,  brought  into 

*  its  place.'     Darivin's  Phytologia,  p.  242. 

78  Would  serve  for  stock  to  make  musquitoes. 

Among  other  speculations  also  in  the  cause  of 
humanity,  bequeathed  us  by  this  friend  of  man, 
are  the  following,  which  will  prove  a  great  con 
solation  to  those  who  have  foolishly  supposed  that 
the  blood-shed  and  devastation,  produced  by  war, 
were  circumstances  which  ought  to  be  lamented. 

These  remarks  are  published  by  Dr.  Darwin, 
as  written  under  his  own  observations  in  the  ma 
nuscript  of  his  book,  by  a  *  philosophical  friend,' 
whom  he  left  in  his  library.  It  is  supposed,  how 
ever,  that  the  Doctor  wrote  them  himself.  At 
least  the  sentiments  have  his  sanction. 

*  It  consoles  me  to  find,  as  I  contemplate  the 
4  whole  of  organized  nature,  that  it  is  not  in  the 

*  power  of  any  one  personage,  whether  statesman 

*  or  hero,  to  produce  by  his  ill  employed  activity, 
4  so  much  misery  as  might  have  been  supposed. 

*  Thus  if  a  Russian  army,  in  these  insane  times, 

*  after  having  endured  a  laborious  march  of  many 
4  hundred  miles,  is  destroyed  by  a  French  army, 
4  in  defence  of  their  Republic,  what  has  happened? 
4  Forty  thousand  human  creatures,  dragged  from 
4  their  homes  and  connections,  cease  to  exist,  and 
4  have  manured  the  earth;  but  the  quantity  of  or. 


116 

And  also  urges  with  propriety, 
That  war's  no  evil  in  Society ; 
But  has  a  charming  operation, 
To  check  excess  of  population. 

*  Superfluous  myriads,  from  the  earth,1 
Arc  swept  by  pestilence  and  dearth ;  79 


ganized  matter,  of  which  they  were  composed* 
presently  revives  in  the  forms  of  millions  of 
microscopic  animals,  vegetables,  and  insects,  and 
afterwards  of  quadrupeds  and  men  ;  the  *um  of 
whose  hafifiineaa  z'.s,  fierhafis^  greater  than  that  of 
the  harassed  soldiers,  by  whose  destruction  they 
have  gained  their  existence  !  Is  not  this  a  con 
soling  idea  to  a  mind  of  universal  sympathy  ? 
I  fear  you  will  think  me  a  misanthrope,  but  I 
assure  you  a  contrary  sensation  dwells  in  my 
bosom ;  and  though  I  commisserate  the  evils  of 
all  organized  beings,'  *  Homo  sum,  humani  nihil 
a  me  alieaum  puto.'  Phytotogia,  p.  558. 

79  Are  swept  by  pestilence  and  dearth. 
Last  words  of  Dr.  Darwin. 

I  take  no  small  credit  to  myself,  for  being  one 
of  the  first  to  bring  into  notice  the  latest  and  the 
most  sublime  ol"  this  sublime  philosopher's  sub 
lime  speculations.  The  fountain  from  which  this 
radiant  stream  of  illumination  flows  is  denomi 
nated,  among  booksellers, '  THE  TEMPLE  OF  NA 
TURE,' 


117 

Which  drive  his  philosophic  plan  o 
As  well  as  blunderbuss,  or  cannon. 


To  paint  all  the  writer's  conceptions  of  iht 
mansion  of  that  old  Lady,  and  her  own  most  sin 
gular  qualifications,  would  be  a  task  even  beyond 
the  abilities  of  a  Caustic.  Mr.  Fuseli,  however, 
has  painted  his  conceptions  on  the  occasion,  which, 
in  one  of  his  designs,  appear,  so  far  as  I  can  com 
prehend  him,  to  be  simply  these  : — In  his  Frontis 
piece  to  the  Work,  he  represents  one  beautiful 
lady  pointing  at,  or  rather  fumbling  about  (some 
what  indecently  I  must  confess)  a  middle  or  third 
breast  of  another  beautiful  lady,  whom  I  suppose 
to  be  Dame  Nature  ; 

Than  which  there's  nothing  can  be  aptcr 
To  fill  philosophers  with  rapture. 

[your  Worships  will  excuse  my  bursting  into 
poetry,  for  the  idea  set  all  my  insides  into  such  a 
•Delia  Cruscan-like  ferment,  that  I  should  certainly 
have  burst  open,  had  it  not  thus  overflowed]. 
This  third  breast  I  take  to  be  the  painter's  em 
blem  of  the  Discoveries  of  Dr.  Darwin — implying 
that  their  existence  is  as  evident  as  tha^  a  woman 
has  three  breasts.  But,  not  to  digress}  the  Doc 
tor  ascertains  that 


*  Human  progenies,  if  unrestrain'cl, 

*  By  climate  friended,  and  by  food  sustain'd 

*  O'er  seas  and  soils  prolific  hordes  would  spread 
'  Ere  long,  and  deluge  their  terraqueous  bed* 


118 

That,  in  this  world's  great  slaughter-house, 
Not  only  sheep  and  calves  and  cows, 
But  {  man  erect,  with  thought  elate,' 
Must  «  duck''  to  death  his  stubborn  pate.  8d 


'  But  war  and  pestilence,  disease  and  dearth 
'  Sweep  the  superfluous  myriads  from  the  earth. 

Temple  of  Nature,  Canto  iv. 

Some  ^philosophical  theorists  have  foolishly 
supposed  that  this  sweeping  plan  of  Dr.  Darwin, 
which  that  philosopher  appears  to  have  intro 
duced,  lest  <  prolific  hordes'  should  <  deluge  their 
terraqueous  beds,'  might  as  well  be  deferred  till 
a  few  of  the  *  superfluous'  acres  on  the  earth's 
surface  were  reduced  to  a  state  of  cultivation.  I 
should  advise  to  employ  these  supernumeraries 
in  navigating  polar  ices  within  the  tropics,  as 
recommended  by  the  Doctor  in  the  i  Botanic  Gar- 
denj  were  I  not  apprehensive  lest  I  should  thereby, 
in  some  measure,  destroy  the  operation  of  Saint- 
Pierre's  Tides.  See  Note  36. 

80  Must  *  duck'  to  death  his  stubborn  pate. 
More  last  words  of  Dr.  Darwin. 

*  The  brow  of  man  erect,  with  thought  elate, 

*  Ducks  to  the  mandate  of  resistless  fate.' 

Temple  of  Nature ,  Canto  iv. 

I  have  exhibited  this  couplet  at  all  the  assem 
blages  of  my  poetising  brethren  in  Grub  Street 


119 

That  in  said  butcher's  shop,  the  weakest 
Should  always  be  '  kill'd  off'  the  quickest, 
Because  Dame  Nature  gave  the  strongest 
The  right  and  power  to  live  the  longest. 

That  since  to  '  die  is  but  to  sleep/  8l 
And  poor  diseas'd  are  scabby  sheep, 


and  St.  Giles's,  not  omitting  the  inhabitants  of  the 
4  Wits  corner,  at  the  Chapter  Coffee-house,  the 
elevated  tenants  of  the  Cider  Cellar  in  Maiden 
Lane,  and  Col.  Hanger's  f  Knights  of  the  Round 
Table,'  all  of  whom  agree  in  acknowledging  the 
elegance  and  correctness  of  the  metaphor,  and 
that  its  beauties  are  so  transcendantly  exquisite, 
and  beyond  the  ken  of  mortal  eye,  as  to  be  per 
fectly  incomprehensible. 

81  That  since  to  <  die  is  but  to  sleep.' 

*  Long  o'er  the  wrecks  of  lovely  life  they  weep; 
1  Then  pleas'd  reflect,  to  die  is  but  to  sleep.' 

Temjde  of  Nature,  Canto  ii. 

I  suspect  that  my  intimate  friend  and  corres 
pondent  Bonaparte,  is  a  full  convert  to  Dr.  Dar 
win's  doctrine  of  death  and  its  consequences. 
For,  when  he  declared  to  Lord  Whitwonh  his 
determination  to  invade  England,  although  there 
were  an  hundred  chances  to  one  in  favour  of  his 
going  to  the  bottom,  he  was  undoubtedly  calcu 
lating  on  a  comfortable  nap  after  the  fatigues  of 
government. 


120 

That  none  need  care  a  single  button 

If  we  should  make  them  all  dead  mutton. 

That  death  is  but  a  trivial  thing, 
Because  a  toadstool,  or  a  king, 
Will,  after  death,  be  sure  to  rise 
In  bats  and  bed-bugs,  fleas  and  flies.  ** 

Besides,  they'll  make,  when  kill'd  in  fight, 
Vast  (  monuments  of  past  delight ;'  83 


8a  In  bats  and  bed-bugs,  fleas  and  flies. 

*  Thus,  when  a  monarch  or  a  mushroom  dies, 

*  Awhile  extinct  the  organic  matter  lies ; 

4  But,  as  a  few  short  hours  or  years  revolve, 
1  Alchemic  powers  the  changing  mass  dissolve  ; 

*  Born  to  new  life  unnumber'cl  insects  pant,  &c. 

Temple  of  Nature^  Canto  iv. 

It  has  been  a  matter  of  curious  inquiry  among 
some  of  my  corresponding  garretteers,  whether 
this  philosopher  himself,  in  the  latter  stages  of 
his  existence,  enjoyed  much  consolation  from  re 
flecting  that  the  '  organic  matter'  which  entered 
into  his  own  composition,  was  about  to  be  em 
ployed  for  the  important  purpose  of  giving  '  new 
life'  to  4  unnumbered  insects.' 

83  Vast  <  monuments  of  past  delight.' 

*  Thus  the  tall  mountains,  that  emboss  the  lands, 

*  Huge  isles  of  rock,  and  continents  of  bands, 


121 

And  that  to  think  of  is  more  pleasant, 
Than  such  delight  enjoyed  at  present. 

Then  no  Darwinian  philosopher 
His  conduct  can  contrive  to  gloss  over, 
And  make  it  with  his  tenets  tally, 
Unless  he  round  our  standard  rally. 

And  join  in  strenuous  endeavour 
The  wretches'  thread  of  fate  to  sever, 


'  Whose  dim  extent  eludes  the  inquiring  sight, 

4  ARK  MIGHTY  MONUMENTS  OF  PAST  DELIGHT.' 

These  *  monuments  of  past  delight,'  Darwin 
says, 

1  Rose  from  the  wrecks  of  animal  or  herb.' 

Thus  taught  by  this  wonderous  sage,  I  trust  the 
friends  to  humanity  will  suppose  it  best  to  let  the. 
poor,  infirm,  and  decrcpid,  die  off  as  fast  as  pos 
sible,  to  *  manure  the  earth,'  that  the  c  quantity 
*  of  organized  matter  of  which  they  were  compos- 
(  ed,  may  revive  in  the  forms  of  millions  of  micro- 
1  scopic  animals,  vegetables  and  insects,  make 
"  monuments  of  past  delight, "  &c.' Therefore  it  is 
to  be  hoped,  that  the  promoters  of  the  Perkinean 
Institution  will  prove  as  despicable  in  respect  to 
numbers,  as  they  are  deficient  in  understanding, 
especially  in  comprehending  the  great  and  glori 
ous  truths  of  modern  philosophy. 


That  having  met  their  final  doom, 
They  may  have  rest,  we — elbow  room. 

Say  that  the  deepest  politicians 

Will  join  their  powers  with  us  physicians; 

Assist  to  overset  the  flummery 

Of  Perkins'  mischief-making  mummery. 

Nor  suffer  Tractoring  rogues  to  cure 
Such  sordid  shoals  of  paltry  poor, 
Of  whom  it  truly  may  he  said, 
That  they  were  ten  times  better  dead. 

For  when  the  old  Nick  comes  and  fetches 
Away  the  dirty  set  of  wretches, 
Times  will  improve,  because,  the  fact  is, 
T'will  lessen  poor  rates,  worst  of  taxes. 

Say  that  those  wights  of  skill  surprising 
In  science  of  economising, 
Who  cook  up  most  delicious  farings, 
From  cheese  rinds,  and  potatoe  parings, 


123 

Will  thank  us  when  this  paltry  band 
Are  '  kilFcl  off,'  to  manure  the  land ; 
And  they  will  make,  I  ween,  besides, 
Morocco  leather  from  their  hides. 

And  so  contrive  that  every  coffin, 
Which  serves  to  lug  a  dead  rogue  off  in, 
Shall  answer,  if  it  be  not  made  ill, 
For  livino-  child,  a  clever  cradle.  8* 

o  » 

Say  Perkinism  should  be  levelled ; 
'Tis  Galvanism  worse  bedevill'd: 
Indeed  they  both  are  but  a  schism, 
From  old  exploded  Mesmerism.  85 


8l  For  living  child,  a  clever  cradle. 

In  the  enumeration  of  my  plans  for  universal 
improvements,  in  my  first  Canto,  I  absolutely 
forgot  to  mention  this  scheme  for  public  econo 
my.  I  do  hope,  trust,  and  believe,  that,  should 
it  strike  the  eye  or  the  ear  of  the  generous  and 
unassinning  Count  Rumford,  it  will  recommend 
me  to  his  kind  notice,  and  as  much  liberal  patro 
nage,  as  he  once  extended  to  poor  Doctor  Garnet. 

85  From  old  exploded  Mesmerism. 
The  whole  pretence  of  Mesmerism,  or  Animal 


124 

Though  fools  say  Perkins  never  took, 
Like  Mesmer  and  De  Mainaduc, 
His  patients  wild  imagination, 
To  join  in  aid  of  operation — 

And  though  they  say,  on  man  and  horse, 
The  Tractors  act  with  equal  force ; 
Still  some  among  us  can  get  through  it, 
And  swear  old  Satan  helps  him  do  it ! 

Tn  proof  of  Tractoring  defection 
Proclaim  that  wise  and  learn'd  objection. 
The  famous  argument,  so  handy, 
About  their  modus  operandi. 


Magnetism,  was  long  since  proved  to  be  a  fallacy, 
and  blown  up  accordingly,  by  a  set  of  academi 
cians  at  Paris.  Our  profession  have  shewn  great 
ingenuity  in  their  endeavours  to  persuade  man 
kind  that  Perkinism  rested  on  the  same  founda 
tion,  and  ought  of  consequence  to  share  the  same 
fate.  As  it  is  ingenuously  determined  to  class 
every  innovation,  which  militates  against  our  in 
terest,  with  some  exploded  practice,  I  would  re 
spectfully  propose  that  your  Worships  should  do 
the  justice  to  the  person,  who  first  suggested  the 
idea  of  classing  Perkinism  with  Animal  Magne 
tism,  of  requesting  his  acceptance  of  a  statue. 


That  a  physician  should  neglect 
To  notice  e'en  a  good  effect, 
Unless  the  cause,  as  he  supposes, 
Is  nine  times  plainer  than  his  nose  is; 

And  though  it  may  be  urg'd  by  some, 
That  this  grave  reasoning's  all  a  hum, 
Because  the  learn' d  are  in  the  dark 
How  opium,  mercury  acts,  and  bark; 

To  such  reply  you'll  make  no  answers. 
For  much  I  question  if  you  can,  Sirs  ; 
But  rather  for  retort  uncivil, 
The  poker  take  and  lay  them  level.  8(5 


g6  The  poktr  take  and  lay  them  level* 

Please  not  to  imagine  that  I  would  be  under 
stood  to  recommend  this  i  retort  courteous'  in  the 
most  unqualified  sense,  or  that  it  be  exercised  on 
every  occasion.  On  the  contrary,  the  clue  per 
formance  of  it  will  require  no  small  degree  of  pru 
dence  and  discretion.  Indeed  I  would  have  you 
use  the  fioker,  or  any  other  violent  and  weighty 
arguments  of  this  kind,  only  when  your  antago 
nist  happens  to  be  a  woman,  a  child,  or  seme  de 
bilitated  and  cowardiy  wretch,  who  will  submit 
without  any  chance  of  your  meeting  with  unplea 
sant  resistance. 

o   2 


126 

From  Haygarthj  borrowing  a  rare  hint, 
Tell  how  these  Tractors,  'tis  apparent, 


As  to  the  justice  of  this  mode  of  response  there 
exists  no  doubt,  and  therefore  dread  no  decisions 
in  furo  conscieniia,  because  the  extreme  heinous- 
ness  of  your  adversaries'  provocation  will  appear 
from  the  following  consideration.  To  deprive 
you  of  an  argument,  for  which  you  have  sacrificed 
every  thing  dear  to  obtain,  must,  confessedly,  be 
regarded  a  most  outrageous  proceeding.  Now  this 
is  exactly  the  case  in  the  present  instance,  for,  in 
your  attempf  to  show  that  medical  men  believe  and 
trust  in  no  medicine,  the  modus  ofierandi  of  which 
they  do  not  comprehend,  you  make  a  sacrifice  of 
truth,  decency,  and  common  sense,  the  full  reward 
of  which  sacrifice  you  ought  to  enjoy  unmolested. 
That  no  man  can  explain  how  mercury  cures  the 
syphilis,  bark  an  intermittent  fever,  or  opium  pro 
duces  sleep,  is  confessed  by  every  medical  author, 
and  that  all  these  should  be  used  in  our  practice, 
without  any  hesitation,  I  never  heard  any  person 
deny,  and  for  this  proper  and  substantial  reason, 
their  administration  is  profitable  to  the  faculty.  I 
have  therefore  to  repeat  that,  when  the  Perkinites. 
complain  of  your  rejecting  the  use  of  the  Trac 
tors,  because  their  modus  operandi  cannot  be  en 
tirely  explained,  although  you  adopt  the  use  of 
drugs,  the  operation  of  which  is  equally  or  more 
inexplicable,  your  sacrifice  in  support  of  your 
ground  is  so  great  that,  whoever  attempts  to  drive 
you  from  such  ground,  deserves  to  be  laid  low 
\viih  the  first  weapon  that  comes  to  hand. 


127 

The  most  insidious  things  in  nature, 
Will  e'en  bewitch  the  operator  !  87 


87  Will  e'en  beivitch  the  operator. 

No  part  of  the  learned  Doctor's  management, 
in  the  Anti-Perkinistic  cause,  merits  higher  Eu 
logy  than  his  most  rational  explanation  of  that 
most  irrational  practice.  So  cogently  does  an  in 
nate  principle  of  equity  controui  me,  that  I  am 
absolutely  coerced  to  offer,  at  the  shrine  of  the 
heroic  Doctor,  my  tributary  dole  of  the  incense 
of  admiration,  for  having  presented  our  profession 
such  a  powerful  knock-me-down  argument,  where 
with  to  buffet  the  common  enemy. 

The  sagacious  Doctor  having  published  a  sci 
entific  Treatise  against  the  Tractors,  demonstrat 
ing  that  '  they  act  on  the  patient's  imagination,' 
Perkins  came  out  in  reply,  with  all  the  fury  of  an 
Irish  Rebel,  and  declared  that  the  Doctor  deserved 
to  be  trounced  for  not  suffering  his  readers  to 
know,  that  the  Tractors  pretended  to  cure  infants 
and  brute  animals,  though  numerous  cases  to  that 
effect  had  then  been  published;  and  in  that  reply 
proclaimed  that  Dr.  H.  purposely  endeavoured 
to  suppress  such  facts,  that  he  might,  with  greater 
facility,  induce  the  public  to  swallow  the  deduc 
tions  drawn  from  his  magical  manoeuvres  in  the 
Bath  and  Bristol  hospitals.  Noxv,  admitting  the 
Doctor  managed  in  this  way,  I  am  sure  he  was 
perfectly  right  in  so  doing.  The  end  in  view, 
according  to  established  principles  of  modern  mo 
rality,  will  ever  justify  the  means  taken  to  accom 
plish  that  end.  In  this  case,  the  end  in  view  was 
most  important  —  nothing  less  than,  the  downfall 


128 

Will  break  down  reason's  feeble  fences, 
And  play  the  deuce  with  our  five  senses  1 


of  Perkinism,  and  the  consequent  aggrandisement 
of  our  profession.  Should  any  of  our  opponents 
be  so  captious  as  to  assert,  that  such  principles 
and  such  motives  of  action  should  not  be  encou 
raged  in  society — that  they  have  a  most  perni 
cious  tendency,  and  other  nonsense  of  that  sort, 
I  must  take  the  liberty  to  refer  triem  to  the  First 
Consul  of  the  French  Republic,  whose  conduct 
has  ever  been  modelled  according  to  the  princi 
ples  above  stated,  and  who  is  cerlainljf  the  most 
powerful  Logician  of  the  age,  perfectly  able  to 
confound  those  who  shut  their  eyes  against  the 
light  of  conviction. 

But  to  revert  to  the  Doctor's  Treatise,  and  Per 
kins's  impudent  replication.     The  man  who  could 
raise  the  very  old  Gentleman  himself,  by  the  le 
gitimate  powers  of  necromancy,  was  not  so  easily 
defeated.    Accordingly  he  returns  to  the  charge  in 
another  edition — admits  the  existence  of  the  nu 
merous  cases  on  infants,  horses,  Sec.  but  lays  them 
all  level  with  the  following  unanswerable  argu 
ment. — '  The  proselytes  of  Perkinism  having  been 
driven   from   every  other  argument,  have,  as  a 
last  resource,  alledged  that  the  Patent  Metallic 
Tractors  have  removed  the  disorders  of  infants 
and  horses.     Even  this  Jlimsy  pretence  is  capa 
ble  of  a  satisfactory  refutation.      In  these  cases 
it  is  not  the    Patient,   but  the    Observer,  who  is 
deceived  by  his  own  imagination  11!'     See  Hay- 
garlh'a  BoQk,  page  40.     Mirabile  JDicfu .' 


And  act  a  part,  so  very  scurvy, 

They  turn  a  man's  brains  topsy  turvy  ! 

Will  so  bewilder  and  astound  one, 
They  make  a  lame  horse  seem  a  sound  one  ! 
Appear,  with  but  three  legs  to  wag  on, 
A  Pegasus,  ov  flying  dragon  ! ! 

ThenquoSi  his  ladies  ECCHYMOSIS,  *$ 

^x 

Which  rose  an  inch  from  where  her  nose  is  ; 

88  Then  quote  his  lady's  ECCHYMOSIS. 

The  celebrated  story  of  the  lady's  ecchymosis 
comes  handed  down  to  your  Worships  by  five  suc 
cessive  reporters.  The  lady  incog,  who  makes  so 
conspicuous  a  figure  in  Dr.  Haygarth's  narration, 
told  another.lady,  who  told  a  Medical  Friend  of  Dr. 
H.  who  told  Dr.  Caustic,  who  tells  your  Wor 
ships  this  imporlant  anecdote.  Now  as  *  in  the 
multitude  of  counsellors  there  is  safety,1  so  in  a 
multitude  of  reporters  there  re  certainty.  But  to 
the  story,  which  T  shall  give  in  the  language  of  Dr. 
H.'s  Medical  Friend  aforesaid. 

1  A  lady  informed  me  that  a  lady  of  her  ac- 
1  quaintance,  who  had  great  faith  in  the  efficacy 

*  of  the  Tractors,    on  seeing  a  small   ecchymosis, 
1  about  the  size  of  a  silver  penny,  at  the  corner  of 

*  the  eye,  desired  to  try  on  it  the  effect  of  her  fa- 
'  vouritc  remedy.     The  lady,  who   was  intended 


ISO 


And  was  not  bigger  much,  if  any, 
He  states,  than  puny  '  silver  penny.1 


<  to  be  the  subject  of  the  trial,  consented,  and  the 
4  other 'lady  produced  the    instruments,  and  after 

*  drawing  them   four  or  five  times  over  the  spot 

*  declared  that  it  changed  to  a  paler  colour,  and 

*  on  repeating  the  use  of  them  a  few  minutes  lon- 
4  ger,  that  it  had  almost  vanished,  and  was  scarcely 
1  visible,  and  departed  in  high  triumph  athersuc- 
'  cess.     I   was  assured    by  the   lady  who  under- 

*  went  the  operation,  that  she  looked  in  the  glass 
{  immediately  after,  and  that  not  the  least  visible 

*  alteration  had  taken  place  I  1'     (From  Hay  garth'* 
Book,  page  40.) 

I  had  determined  to  exert  my  influence  in  all 
the  Medical  societies,  that  the  above  case  be  read 
at  the  opening  of  each  meeting,  until  there  should 
not  be  left  of  the  Tractors,  in  this  island,  *  a  wreck 
behind.'  But  a  far  better  plan  of  Dr.  H.  himself 
has  precluded  the  necessity  of  this  measure,  which 
was  to  announce  in  all  the  advertisements  of  his 
book  in  the  public  papers,  that  '  it  explains  why 
4  the  disorders  of  infants  and  horses  are  said  to 
c  have  been  cured  by  the  Tractors.'  (See  his  daily 
advertisements  in  the  papers. 

Indeed,  I  am  at  a  loss  which  to  admire  most, 
the  pretty  fanciful  relation  abore  cited,  which  is 
all  the  new  edition  of  the  Doctor's  Treatise  against 
the  Tractors  contains,  to  justify  the  assertion  in 
the  advertisements  before  mentioned,  or  his  sin 
gular  skill  in  constructing  such,  a  fabric  on  this 
foundation.  Did  I  possess  the  talents  of  the  Doc 
tor  in.  :thc  advertising  department,  I  should  an- 


131 

'Twas  then  assailed,  with  courage  hearty, 
By  juggling  wench  of  Perkins'  party, 
And  soon,  to  her  beconjur'd  eyes, 
It  seemed  a  thousandth  part  its  size. 

4  And  now,'  quoth  she,  1  scarce  can  view  it, 
1  These  Tractors  are  the  things  that  do  it; 
<  Oh  la !  I  vow,  it's  taken  flight, 
4  And  vanish'd  fairly  out  of  sight. 


nounce  this  my  pithy  performance  to  the  public, 
by  publishing  in  all  the  papers,  that  the  price  of 
the  Tractors  was,  in  consequence  of  Dr.  Caustic's 
opposition,  fallen  to  the  price  of  old  iron,  and  Per- 
kin's  pamphlets,  having  been  proscribed  by  phy 
sicians,  were  condemned,  and  actually  burnt  by 
the  hangman  on  execution-day,  at  the  Old  Bailey, 
in  the  presence  of  every  individual  of  the  College 
of  Physicians,  and  half  the  citizens  of  London. 

I  would  beg  leave  to  add  to  this  incomparable 
Haygarthian  demonstration  an  argument  of  my 
own,  which  I  think  is  not  less  powerful.  It  is  im 
possible  that  these  Tractors  should  perform  any 
real  cure,  as  they  act  solely  on  the  imagination 
either  of  the  patient  or  the  operator.  But  cures 
performed  by  the  power  of  imagi?iation  must  be 
imaginary  cures,  that  is,  no  ewes  at  all. 


But  Madam  Hoaxhoax,  in  her  glass, 
Beholding  what  it  truly  was, 
Exclaim' cl,  «  My  last  new  wig  I'll  burn  up, 
*  If  'tis  not  bigger  than  a  turnip !  !  !' 

In  public  papers,  more's  his  glory, 
The  Doctor  advertiz'd  this  story ; 
And  you'll  confound  the  tractoring  folks 
By  Hay  garth's  tale  of  Lady  Hoax.  89 


?9  By  Haygath's  tale  of  Lady  Hoax. 

It  is  not  true,  as  some  sagacious  Coffee-house 
politicians  have  asserted,  that  Madame  Hoax  (or 
more  correctly  double  Hoax)  is  the  wife  of  a  Chi 
nese  Mandarin,  settled  on  the  Mountains  of  the  « 
Moon,  in  Abyssinia,  for  the  purpose  of  ascertain 
ing  the  influence  of  imagination  in  the  cure  of  dis 
eases.  No,  Gentlemen,  she  is  a  Baroness  of  true 
English  breed,  more  sturdy  than  a  Semiramis,  a 
Penthesilea,  or  a  Joan  of  Arc,  and  will  prove,  in 
our  cause,  a  championess  of  pre-eminent  prowess. 
Should  your  Worships  wish  for  further  acquaint 
ance  with  this  Lady,  which  in  my  opinion  would 
be  for  your  mutual  advantage,  you  will  take  the 
trouble  to  enquire  at  my  garret,  No.  299,  Dyot 
Street,  St.  Giles's  (having  removed  from  my  for 
mer  place  of  residence,  third  floor,  327,  Grub, 
Street,  with  a  view  of  being  nearer  my  friend,  Sir, 
Joseph,  in  Soho  Square),  and  her  address  shall  be 
at  your  service. 


133 

Tell  one  more  tale  from  ancient  sages 
About  the  wondrous  chain  of  ages, 


I  am  now  preparing  a  most  awful  Tragedy  for 
Drury  Lane  Theatre  (Mr.  Sheridan's  approba 
tion  being  already  obtained),  to  be  '  intitled  and 
'  called'  the  l  DREADFUL  DOWNFALL  OF  TER- 
'  RIBLE  TRACTORISING  CONFOUNDED  CONJURA- 
'  TION;'  in  which  I  propose  to  introduce  a  New 
Song,  that  I  have  no  doubt  will  be  so  celebrated 
as  to  be  the  theme  of  every  ballad-singer  in  the 
metropolis.  I  cannot  forbear  anticipating  some 
small  share  of  that  applause,  which  I  have  reason 
to  suppose  will  be  piled  on  Dr.  Caustic,  as  soon  as 
he  is  publicly  known,  as  the  Author  of  such  an 
inimitable  production,  by  obliging  your  Worships 
with  a  fiart  of  the  chorus  to  the  song  aforesaid. 

Come  now  let  us  coax 
Hogarth  and  Dame  Hoax, 
Like  true  hearts  of  oaks, 
To  crack  off  their  jokes, 
While  dreading  their  strokes, 
Those  sheep-hearted  folks, 
The  tractoring  Perkinites,  quiver  ; 

O  may  they  with  knocks, 
'  And  shivering  shocks,' 
Pound  their  jackets  and  frocks, 
Till  dead  as  horse-blocks, 
(O  what  a  sad  box!) 
They're  thrown  in  the  docks, 
Or,  just  like  dead  cats,  in  the  river' 
P 


134 

Gold,  silver,  brass,  but  not  a  link, 
Composed  of  copper,  or  of  zinc. 

That,  as  it  ever  was  the  curse 

Of  man  to  go  from  bad  to  worse, 

This  age  (the  thought  might  e'en  distract  us) 

Is  that  of  vile  Metallic  Tractors! 

That  your  last  sixpence  you  will  bet  all, 
Ages  will  follow  of  worse  metal, 
Unless  this  wickedness  you  stop, 
To  sweepings  of  a  black-smith's  shop ! 

9 

Say  that  the  devil  never  fails  9° 
To  eat  a  tiger,  stuff'd  with  nails; 


This  song  is  to  be  set  to  Music  by  Mr.  Kelly,  in 
his  very  best  stile  of  pathos,  sublimity,  and  crotch-r 
els,  and  to  be  delightfully  demi-semi-quavered  to 
the  admiring  audience  by  Mrs.  Billington.  Then, 
if  Box,  Fit,  iincl  Gallery,  should  not,  una  vcce, 
Nick  Bcltorn-Iike,  cry,  <  Encore!  Encore  1  Let  her 
4  roar  I  Let  her  roar!  Once  more,  Once  morel' 
Let  the  squeak  and  the  squall  be  swelled  to  a 
bawl,  Dr.  Caustic  will  find  the  door!  find  the 
door!  and  never  go  there  any  morel! 


135 

tVuh  claws  and  head  and  hair  on,  munching, 
The  savage  creature  at  a  luncheon ! 

That  one  old  woman,  pain  distracted, 
This  part  of  Satan  over- acted  ; 
In  gulping  Tractors  down,  tor  ined'cines,  r'1 
With  such  effect,  that  iaith  she's  dead  since. 


90  Say  that  the  devil  never  fails. 

This  stanza  contains  a  legendary  tale,  which  1 
dare  say  is  as  true,  as  that  which  commemorates 
a  notable  exploit  of  St.  Dunstan  in  seizing  old 
Satan,  one  dark  night  in  the  tenth  century,  and 
wringing  the  nose  of  his  Infernal  Majesty  with  a 
pair  of  red-hot  blacksmith's  pincers,  which  made 
him  roar  and  scold  at  such  a  rate,  that  he  awaken 
ed  arid  terrified  all  the  good  people  of  Glaslea- 
bury  and  its  neighbourhood. 

91  In  gulping  Tractors  down,  for  med'cines. 

An  old  lady  of  my  acquaintance  was  actually 
advised  by  an  ingenious  son  of  Galen,  an  Apothe 
cary,  resident  a  few  miles  north  of  London,  to 
swallow  Tractors  for  an  internal  complaint.  Ii 
our  profession  were  to  follow  this  laudable  exam* 
pie,  and  force  their  patients  to  swallow  them  for 
pills,  and  then  give  the  public  a  judicious  detail  of 
the  terrible  consequences,  ending  with  the  death 
of  the  patients,  Perkinism  would  sink  into  that 
contempt  in  the  estimation  of  the  public  which  it 
justly  deserves. 


136 

Then  make  it  plain,  by  quoting  Greek, 
That  this  old  hag,  of  whom  we  speak, 
More  brass  and  iron  took  in  one  day, 
Than  Satan  all  the  week,  with  Sunday- 

But  should  the  public  turn  deaf  ear  to'tr 
Tell  them  that  I  know  who  will  swear  to't  ; 
And  testify  the  whole  affair 
Before  his  honour,  the  Lord  Mayor ! 

Say  Perkinism  was  begotten 

In  wilds  where  science  ne'er  was  thouht  on 


9-  In  wilds  where  science  ne'er  was  thought  on. 

That  is,  in  the  United  States  of  America,  among 
Indians  and  Yankees.  You  will  find,  Gentlemen, 
much  to  the  purpose,  relative  to  the  state  of  sci 
ence,  where  Perkinism  originated,  in  the  Monthly 
Magazine  of  January,  1  803,  under  the  title  of  '  Ani- 
4  madversions  on  the  present  State  of  Literature 
4  and  Taste  in  the  United  States,  communicated 
4  by  an  English  Gentleman  lately  returned  from 
*  America.'  This  gentleman  gives  information 
that  the  Americans  are  wretchedly  '  k-Azncf-hand 
in  science  ivith  the  Britons.'  Indeed  those  trans 
atlantic  younkers  ought,  in  half  a  century,  to  have 
established  universities  and  other  seminaries  of 
learning,  at  least  as  old  and  respectable  as  those  of 


137 

And  had  its  birth  and  education 
Quite  at  the  fag-end  of  Creation  ! 

For  raree-show,  to  England  smuggled, 
That  honest  Christians,  all  bejuggled, 


Oxford  and  Cambridge,  and  which  should  have 
graduated  as  many  students  and  produced  as  many 
great  men.  As  to  the  parsimonious  spirit  of  Ame 
ricans  in  encouraging  science  (which  this  gentle 
man  animadverts  upon  with  laudable  indignation) 
it  ought  truly  to  be  exclaimed  against  by  us  En 
glishmen,  for  the  weighty  reason  following  :  Great 
Britain,  '  from  time  whereof  the  memory  of  man 
4  runneth  not  to  the  contrary'  (as  Judge  Blackstone 
says)  hath  starved  some  of  her  first  poets,  such  for 
instance  as  Butler,  Otway,  Chatterton,  Dryclen, 
Savage,  See.  &c.  &c.  &c.  consequently  (according 
to  the  same  author)  she  ought  to  enjoy  the  exclu 
sive  *  customary  firi'oilcge'  of  inflicting  the  horrors 
of  starvation  on  the  sons  of  the  muses  :  but  it  must 
be  granted,  for  the  honour  of  British  Munificence, 
that  the  scientific  Herschel,  in  the  decline  of  life, 
as  a  reward  for  immortalizing  his  present  Majesty, 
by  inscribing  GE.ORGIUM  Sidus  in  the  great  Folio 
of  the  heavens,  is  allowed  the  enormous  pension 
of  801.  per  annum  ! ! 

This  instance  of  liberality,  in  rewarding  merit, 
has  caused  me  to  suspend  my  animadversions  re 
lative  to  patronage  afforded  men  of  real  science  in 
Great  Britain,  till  I  can  discover  whether  it  be  the 
absolute  determination  of  my  countrymen  to  starve 
Doctor  Caustic. 

P  2 


138 

Might  tamely  suffer  B.  D.  Perkins 
To  pick  the  pockets  of  their  jerkins. 

Say  it  was  twinn'd  with  monstrous  Mammoth  ,93 
And  to  go  near  it  you'd  be  d — d  loth, 94 
Because  it  always  eats  poor  sinners, 
As  I  eat  bread  and  cheese  for  dinners  ! 


93  Say  it  was  twinn'd  with  monstrous  Mammoth. 

And  must,  of  course,  be  a  most  terrible  wild 
beast. — Ladies  and  Gentlemen  may  form  a  tolera 
ble  idea  of  the  enormity  of  Perkinism,  by  viewing 
the  skeleton  of  a  Mammoth  now  exhibiting  in  Pall 
Mall,  in  the  very  place  where  lately  were  to  be  seen 
those  terrible  caricatures  of  the  Devil,  &c.  under 
the  appellation  FUSELI'S  MILTON  GALLERY. 

91-  And  to  go  near  it  you'd  be  d — d  loth. 
This  Manifesto,  you  will  please  to  recollect,  is 
the  language  of  Gentlemen  Physicians.  Now  it 
is  well  known  that  you  possess  a  privilege,  sanc 
tioned  by  long  and  invariable  practice,  if  not  found 
ed  on  act  of  Parliament,  to  enforce  your  sentiments 
by  certain  energetic  expressions,  which,  in  the 
mouths  of  people  of  less  consequence,  would  be 
considered  as  very  vulgar,  and  nearly  allied  to  firo- 
fane  swearing.  And  since  your  Worships  ever 
most  manfully  exercise  this  privilege  to  the  full 
extent  of  its  limits,  the  present  Manifesto  would 
have  been  extremely  inapposite  and  unnatural,  had 
not  an  ornament  of  this  kind  been  introduced* 


139 

Say  that  it  is  *  Monstrum  horrendum  f 
As  great  a  plague  as  God  could  send  'em. 
Moreover  'tis  '  Informe,  ing  ens  /' 
Brought  up  among  the  Western  Indians. 

Go  on  then  '  Lumen  cui  achmptumj 
A  worse  thins:  Satan  nevrer  dreamt  on  ; 

O  ' 

Arid  sure  your  Worships  cannot  urge  illf 
Such  classic  matter — all  from  Virgil. 

Now  when  you've  duly  blaz'd  about 
These  knock-down  arguments,  so  stout, 
Perhaps  the  foe  will  topple  under,   . 
Like  rotten  gate-posts  struck  with  thunder  ! 

But  if  the  daring  rebel  rout 

Should  rashly  strive  to  stand  it  outr 

In  following  Canto  I'll  disclose 

How  we'll  proceed  from  words  to  blows. 


CANTO    IV. 

.* 

GRAND  ATTACK! 

ARGUMENT. 

Now  Caustic  finding  Logic  sound 

The  conjuring  crew  will  not  confound, 

Like  an  indignant  hero  blusters, 

The  MIGHTY  ROYAL  COLLEGE  musters ; 

Joins  to  your  Worships'  powerful  Phalanx 

4  Death-doing'  Quacks,  and  men  of  all  ranks! 

A  bolder,  and  more  desperate  ho&t, 

Than  Jacobinic  France  can  boast. 

Then  marches  to  o'erturn  and  knock  dead 

Each  tractoring  Perkiniatic  blockhead; 

Their  INSTITUTION  next  attacking, 

He  sends  them  ail  to  Satan — packing! 

OUR  'f->resaid  MANIFESTO,  first  done. 
Which  shows  our  cause  a  good  and  just  one; 
The  boldest  sons  of  Galen  call  on,  95 
That  they  with  fire  and  fury  fall  on! 

95  The  boldest  sons  of  Galen  call  on. 
I  say  the  boldest,  for  we  cannot  rely  on  the  aid 
of  the  whole  EscuKfpian  phalanx.     Many  white- 


142 

Bound  Discord's  jarring  tocsin  louder 
Than  Howard's  fulminating 


live  red  dastards  who  disgrace  our  profession  have 
shewn  a  disposition  to  remain  neuter,  or  fight  un 
der  Perkineun  banners! 

96  Than  Howard's  fulminating  powder. 

It  is  a  long  time  since  the  public  have  had  any 
refiorta  from  the  honourable  Mr.  Howard's  Ful 
minating  Powder,  which,  three  years  since,  made 
so  much  noise )  that  the  world  had  reason  to  expect 
that  thunder zferous  Chemist  would  make  no  more 
of  exploding  to  Old  Nick  a  whole  army  of  French 
men,  with  Bonaparte  at  its  head,  than  would  a 
Cockney  Sportsman  of  shooting  a  tame  goose  on 
the  first  of  September. 

Whether  this  mighty  affair  is  all  blown  u/it  or 
•what  may  have  been  the  cause  of  the  silence  of 
those  who  defended  a  thing,  which  so  loudly  pro 
claimed  its  own  merits,  it  becomes  Mr.  Howard 
to  explain. 

Of  this  he  may  be  assured,  if  he  do  not  stir  his 
stumps  in  order  to  fulfil  some  of  the  fair  promises, 
which  he  and  his  friends  have  made  to  the  Royal 
Society  and  the  Public,  of  the  astonishing  atchieve- 
ments  they  were  about  to  perform,  by  the  demi- 
omnipotent  power  of  his  new-invented  artificial 
thunder,  I  hereby  give  the  alarming  intelligence 
that  I  will  apply  hiy  own  superior  talents  to  this 
sonorous  subject.  Should  that  happen,  those  lau 
rels  which  were  designed  to  decorate  the  brow  of 
Mr.  Howard,  will  be  tied  in  a.bou-knot  round  my 
venerable  temples.  For,  in  that  case,  the  learned 


us 

Then  into  battle  like  brave  men  go, 
Who  late  were  <  kill'd  off,'  at  Marengo.  97 


chemist's  acquisitions,  in  the  art  of  intonation,  will 
bear  no  better  comparison  to  those  of  Dr.  Caustic, 
than  the  clattering  waggon-  w  he  el  3  of  Salmoneus 
to  the  world-astounding  thunderbolts  of  Jupiter. 
No  person  can  doubt  my  being  able  to  accomplish 
all  this,  who  is  apprised,  as  he  may  be  from  pe 
rusing  this  performance,  of  the  vast  quantity  of 
the  most  detonating  kind  of  mercury,  which  exists 
in  my  composition,  and  which  will  fulminate  with 
greater  effect,  than  the  gold  and  silver  that  line  the 
magnipotent  purse  of  the  honourable  the  heir  uji- 
fiarcnt  to  the  Duke  of  Norfolk. 

97  <  Kill'd  off'  at  Marengo. 

I  have  several  times  taken  a  confounded  deal  of 
trouble  to  haul  into  my  poem  this  beautiful  spe 
cimen  of  parliamentary  elocution ;  and,  in  my 
opinion,  nothing  can  be  better  imagined  or  more 
happily  accomplished.  Poetry  and  Oratory,  as 
the  ancients  inform  us,  were  both  ivhcljied  at  one 
litter  ;  consequently  the  same  phrase  which  glit 
tered  in  the  harangue  of  my  buli-baiting  friend, 
William  W  indham,  a  British  Senator,  cannot  fail 
to  cut  a  dash  in  the  stanza  of  his  seraphical  friend, 
Christopher  Caustic,  a  British  Poet. 

Now  as  I  am  a  great  admirer  of  French  Prin 
ciples,  and  that  new  and  accommodating  kind  of 
morality,  by  Frenchmen  disco vertd,  and  which  I 
ever  have  and  ever  will  eulogise,  to  the  utmost 
extenc  of  my  faculties,  perhaps  your  Worships 
nvill  express  no  small  degree  of  wonderment  why 


144 

But  choose  a  ehief  before  you  start, 
A  bully  bold  as  Bonapart' ; 
And  to  make  sure  of  well  succeeding, 
Another  chap  like  Charles  of  Sweden. 


Step  forth  thou  POTENT  PRINCE  OF  PUFFERS! 
Thou  modern  Hercules  of  buffers! 
Whose  name,  as  Sternhold  us'cl  to  say, 
Will  ring  (  for  ever — and  a  day,' 

For  thou  canst  sound  (a  thing  the  oddest, 
Since  an  arch  Quaker  should  be  modest, 
And  never  meddle  with  a  strumpet,)  98 
Thine  own  great  name  on  Fames  brass  trumpet. 

I  should  be  the  intimate  friend  of  a  gentleman> 
the  blaze  of  whose  oratory,  one  would  suppose, 
would  have  blasted  Bonaparte,  and  even  singed  the 
whole  French  Republic.  But  those,  who  are  ad 
mitted  behind  the  political  curtain,  will  perceive 
ihiit  the  tendency  of  the  measures,  which  Mr. 
Windham  supports,  is  to  firomotc  those  Jacobinic 
principles,  of  which  Dr.  Caustic  cjienly  and  honestly 
professes  himself  to  be  the  determined  propagator 
and  defender. 

98  And  never  meddle  with  a  strum fict. 
Surely  no  person  will  imagine  that  I  would,  for 


Arid  soon  that  name's  continuous  roar 
Shall  roll  sublime  from  shore  to  shore; 
Among  th'  Antipodes,  be  known. 
And  blaze  through  either  frozen  zone.  99 

No  more  shall  merciless  reviewers 
Stick  full  of  satire's  savage  skewers 

O 

The  mighty  chief  of  whom  I'm  boasting, 
As  one  would  spit  a  goose  for  roasting.  *°<> 


the  world,  allude  to  any  other  lady  than  Madam 
Fame  herself. 

99  And  blaze  through  either  frozen  zone. 
I  have  very  substantial  reasons  for  spreading 
glad  tidings  of  our  redoubtable  chieftain  among 
the  most  distant  inhabitants  of  the  globe,  in  pre 
ference  to  endeavouring  to  add  to  his  great  cele 
brity  *  within  the  periphery  of  his  associates.'  And 
whereas  it  has  been  said  that  this  gentleman's  re 
putation  will  ever  stand  highest  where  he  is  either 
not  known  at  all,  or  known  only  by  those  literary- 
productions,  in  which  he  is  himself  the  theme  of 
his  own  most  *  ardent  praise,'  mine  shall  be  the 
humble  task  of  trumpeting  the  Doctor's  name 
among  the  distant  inhabitants  of  this  dirty  planet, 
while  the  Doctor  shall  himself  *  dip  his  pen  in 
1  ethereal  and  indelible  ink,  and  impress  his  ob- 
1  servations  in  characters  legible  in  the  great  vo~ 
*  lume  of  the  heavens.' 


146 

For  should  they  raise  with  dire  misprision^ 
'Gainst  thee  one  finger  in  derision  j 


100  As  one  would  spit  a  goose  for  roasting. 

True  it  is,  though  l  passing  strange,'  that  ZLg-?'cat 
and  good  man,  composed,  as  he  himself  can  attest, 
of  the  very  essence  of  humanity,  is  often  most 
•vilely,  most  audaciously,  and  most  atrociously  be 
spattered  by  a  set  of  saucy  Reviewers. 

Those  wicked  wits,  the  writers  in  the  Monthly 
and  Critical  Reviews,  especially  the  latter,  in  a  cri 
tique  on  One  of  the  late  works  of  a  certain  Doctor 
of  Mangel  Wurzel  memory,  tells  us  that  *  The  im- 
4  portance  of  a  man  to  himself  was  never  more 

*  conspicuous  than  in  this  publication.     Dr.  Lett- 

*  som  admits  that  he  has  been  anticipated  by  seve- 

*  ral  distinguished  authors,  but  modestly  hints  that 

*  some  of  his  particular  friends  will  form  no  opi- 
'  nion  (respecting  the  cow-pox)  till  they  have  as- 
'  certained  hia  sentiments.'     They  then  have  the 
audacity  to  declare,  that  4  he  merits  no  slight  pu- 

*  nishment  for  his  pompous  inflated  language,  for 

*  his  fulsome  flattery,  and  ridiculous  exaggeration 

*  of  every  part  of  the  subject.' 

See  how  they  speak  of  a  late  publication  of  the 
Doctor  on  certain  charitable  Institutions : — '  Un 
less  to  connect  these  different  Institutions,  to  lead 
the  different  radii  to  a  centre,  while  that  centre 
is  the  Author  and  the  Editor,  who  can  boast, 
Qua  ifise  misscrima  vidi,  ct  quorum  pars  wagnafui  I 
\\  e  see  little  advantage  in  this  edition.  \V  e  mean 
not  to  intimate  the  slightest  disapprobation  of 
these  Institutions,  or  of  humanity  in  general ; 


147 

This  right  hand  rudest  cloggrePs  club  in, 
Shall  give  the  knaves  a  dreadful  drubbing. 

But  thou,  the  leader  of  our  throng, 
Shalt  glitter  in  a  future  song, 
Which  I  intend  to  raise  sonorous, 
And  QUACK!  QUACK!  1  QUACK!  !  !  shall  be  the 
chorus. 


4  but  when  we  see  pomp  and  egotism  assuming 
4  its  garb,  when  vanity  and  ostentation  occasion- 

*  ally  peep  from  beneath  the  robe,  we  feel  no  little 
4  disgust  from  comparing;  the  fascinating  exterior 

*  with  the  unpJeasing  contents,'  Sic.  They  likewise 
have  the  impudence  to  assert,  that  some  of  the 
Doctor's  plans  are  4  better  suited  to  the  supersti- 
4  tion  of  an  Hindoo5  than  to  the  nature  of  a  ra- 
4  tional  Christian.'     And  in  another  review  they 
declare,  4  We  mean  not  to  stoop  to  any,  but  will 
4  tell  Dr.  Lettsom  his  faults  (consummate   assur- 
4  ance  !  1)  as  well  as  any  other  author,  nor  will  we 
4  conceal  that  mean  mark  of  a  little  mind,  over- 
4  weening  vanity.     We  saw  it  in  its  germ,  have 

*  watched  its  opening  bud,  till  it  is  expanded  into 

4  its  blossom.     The  literary  life  of  Dr.  L may 

4  well  be  styled  the  fir  ogress  of  vanity  :  the  terari- 
4  nation  is  yet  to  come :  but  we  have  ample  mate- 
4  rials  for  the  subject.'     See  Monthly   Re-view,  of 
July,  and  Critical  Review  of  Sept.  1802,  and  Feb. 


148 

Then,  had  I  money,  I  would  bet  some, 
And  faith  I'll  do  it,  (when  I  get  some), 
One  half  a  guinea,  Sirs,  (a  net  sum), 
They'll  fall  before  Great  Doctor  Lettsom. 10* 


IQi  They'll  fall  before  great  Doctor  Lettsom. 

I  resolved  to  recommend  your  arranging  your 
selves  under  the  banners  of  this  Leviathan  of  the 
Galenical  throng,  from  the  moment  I  first  heard 
of  his  noble  and  spirited  sally  against  the  Trac 
tors.     Disdaining  the  wretched  trammels  of  why 
and  wherefore,  and  without  assigning  those  paltry- 
trifles,  called  reasons,  for  his  opinions,  on  the  me 
rits  ©f  Perkinism,  our  intrepid  commander  deter 
mined  to  extirpate  it  root  and  branch,  with  his 
simple  ifise  dixit.     This  is  what  we  ought  to  ex 
pect  from  a  hero  of  such  prowess.     See  how  well 
he  manages  these  metallic  makers  of  mischief! 
In  an  Eulogium  (a  very  agreeable  thing  to  a  mo 
dest  man  during  his  life-time)  on  his  friend  Dr. 
Haygarth,  contained  in  the  work  which  those  wick 
ed  Reviewers  above-mentioned,   have  treated  so 
irreverently,  he  mentions  (page  277)  the  l  impor 
tant  object,'  which  Dr.   Haygarth  has  so  <  hap 
pily  effected.'     This  is  <  arresting  and  subduing 
two  poisons,  the  most  fatal  to  the  human  race, 
(fever  and  small-pox)   and  unveiling  imposture, 
clothed  in  the  meretricious  garb  of  bold  quack 
ery  :'  a  note  on  the  word  c  imjfi^sture^  in  the  mar 
gin  says,   4  Experiments   on   Metallic  Tractors.' 
Now  unless  I  can  borrow  the  pen  of  the  learned 
Doctor,  dipped  in  *  ETHEREAL,  and  indelible  inkf 


149 

Thou  too,  fam'd  KNIGHT  OF  HORRID  FIGURE  ! 
With  wig  than  bushel-basket  bigger ; 


and  a  whole  literary  apparatus  in  proportion,  I 
shall  never  be  able  to  express  how  much  I  admire 
the  matter  above  quoted,  on  account  of  the  im 
portant  intelligence  therein  contained.  Before  Dr. 
L.  asserted  it,  I  dare  say  not  an  individual  in  the 
kingdom  knew  that  Dr.  Haygarth  had  '  effected' 
such  an  '  important  object,'  that  fever  and  small 
pox  were  subdued,  altogether  extinct,  despoiled  of 
that  venom  which  has  hitherto  l  brought  death 
into  the  world,'  and  so  much  woe.  But  true  it  is, 
they  are  quite  extirpated,  and  all  this  by  Dr.  Hay- 
garth  1  !  !  One  cannot  but  exclaim  against  the 
perverseness  of  those  Members  of  Parliament, 
who,  regardless  of  this  news  from  Dr.  L.  voted  a 
reward  to  Dr.  Jenner  for  his  services  in  subduing 
the  small-pox,  and  to  Dr.  Smith,  for  his  discove 
ries  in  subduing  contagious  fevers.  In  short,  I  am 
almost  ready  to  enforce  the  charge  of  ignorance 
against  my  brethren  in  the  Profession,  for  I  have 
not  yet  met  with  one,  possessed  of  sufficient  pe 
netration  to  see,  that  neither  fever,  nor  small-pox, 
'  has  a  local  habitation  and  a  name  among  us,' 
and  that  they  have  been  both  '  subdued j  and  all 
this.  '  effected'  by  Dr.  Haygarth  ! 

Now  to  the  latter  part  of  our  quotation,  *  un- 
4  veiling  imposture,  clothed  in  the  meretricious 
4  garb  of  bold  quackery.'  This  sentence,  from  p. 
277,  presents  us  the  whole  proof  of  this  '  impos 
ture.'  Not  another  syllable  on  the  Tractors  will 
be  found  in  the  body  of  the  work.  In  the  index, 
however,  mention  is  made  of  tht  subjects  discus^- 


150 

Which,  in  its  orbit  vast,  contains, 
At  least,  a  thimble  full  of  brains ! 


ed  in  the  book,  among  which  subjects,  is  the  fol 
lowing  *  Imposture  of  the  Metallic  Tractors,'  page 
277!  !  But  this,  as  before  intimated,  was  quite 
sufficient  for  a  gentleman  of  such  scientific  pre 
eminence.  Why  should  he  trouble  himself  to 
search  for  reasons,  when  he  is  sure  to  be  believed, 
'  within  the  periphery  of  his  associates,'  although 
he  has  no  reasons  to  give  ? 

I  must  here  be  indulged  in  adducing  an  instruc 
tive  dialogue,  which  actually  took  place,  not  many 
weeks  since,  between  a  renowned  Physician,  of 
the  name  of  Dr.  LEATIIERHEAD,  and  a  gentleman, 
who  was  no  physician  at  all,  whom  I  shall  call  Mr. 
ROWLAND. 

Mr.  ROWLAND;  What  is  your  opinion,  Dr.  Lea- 
therhead,  of  the  Metallic  Tractors? 

Dr.  LEATHKRHEAD.  Why  I'll  tell  thee,  friend 
Rowland ;  I  think  them  as  gross  an  imposition  as 
ever  was  attempted. 

Mr.  R.  But,  Doctor,  have  you  read  the  differ 
ent  cases  which  have  been  published  ?  Can  you 
believe  that  such  characters  would  give  their  names 
to  false  statements  ? 

.Dr.  L.  These  Tractors,  thee  may  be  assured, 
friend  R.  never  performed  a  cure  in  the  world. 
'*Tis  all  trash — dll  nonsense — all  imagination — and 
none  but  fools  and  knaves  are  among  their  sup 
porters. 

Mr.  R.  How  has  Perkins  become  possessed  of 
the  cases  he  has  published  ? 


151 

Come  on,  with  lion  heart,  like  Hector, 
And  phiz  resembling  monkey's  spectre  ; 


Dr.  L.  Oh  1  that  I  can  tell  thee,  very  easily, 
friend  R.  Has  thee  never  heard  of  Dr.  Godbold  ? 

Mr.  R.     Certainly. 

Dr.  L.  Well,  as  he  could  neither  read  nor 
write,  he  kept  two  men  inconstant  employ,  one  to 
write  his  cases,  and  one  to  swear  to  them.  Some 
times,  to  be  sure,  a  few  guineas  were  scattered 
about — Strange  things  these  guineas  are,  friend 
R.  ha  ?— Now  friend  R.  can  thee  any  longer  query 
how  Perkins  comes  by  his  cases  ?  ha  !  ha  1  ha  1 

Mr.  R.  Have  you  ever  seen,  Doctor,  any  of 
the  publications  of  Mr.  Perkins  ? 

Dr.  L.  Not  I,  truly.  Knowing  they  could  con 
tain  nothing  but  lies,  I  should  have  been  but  ill 
employed  in  poring  over  such  trash. 

Mr.  R.     Did  you  ever  see  the  Tractors  ? 

Dr. L.  No,  nor  ever  wish  to  see  them;  they 
are — 

Mr.  R.  (raising  his  voice,  and  taking  a  set  of 
the  Tractors  from  his  pocket)  Hear  me,  Sir!  Can 
you  pretend  to  any  credit  as  an  honest  Physician, 
as  a  man  of  humanity,  when  sordid  self-interest 
and  disgraceful  prejudice  impel  you  to  shut  your 
eyes  against  investigation,  lest  conviction  should 
follow  ?  I  am  ashamed  of  your  conduct.  The  facts 
in  favor  of  the  Metallic  Practice  are  supported  by- 
testimony  as  honorable  and  disinterested  as  Eng 
land  can  produce.  Vour  hint  that  they  are  for 
geries,  or  that  they  have  been  purchased,  implies 
a  supposition  of  depravity  among  men,  which, 
let  me  tell  you;  Sir,  reflects  not  very  favorably  on 


152 

Prepare  the  batteries  of  thy  Journal, Ioi 
To  blast  with  infamy  eternal, 


the  virtue  of  the  source  whence  the  idea  originat 
ed.  With  this  set  of  Tractors  (holding  them  out 
to  view)  I  have  cured  above  thirty  indigent  poor, 
and  not  by  the  power  of  imagination,  but  by  the 
power  of  the  Tractors. 

Dr.  L.  (In  a  tone  of  wonderful  complacency 
and  humility)  Really,  friend  R.  what  thee  says 
gives  me  great  satisfaction.  I  always  knew  thee 
to  be  a  very  sensible  man,  and  the  information 
i.ha.ttkeea/ifiro~ues  of  the  Metallic  Tractors  entirely 
changes  my  opinion  of  them.  Before  thee  took 
them  out  of  thy  pocket,  I  thought  thee  had  no  be 
lief  in  them.  They  certainly  must  be  a  very 
pleasant  remedy,  and  incapable  of  doing  harm  ; 
and,  as  for  myself,  I  am  such  a  friend  to  huma 
nity,  I  shall  ever  be  ready  to  stand  forward  in  sup 
port  of  every  thing  which  can  benefit  the  public. 
It  really  does  my  heart  good  to  hear  of  the  ser 
vices  the  Tractors  are  now  doing  my  poor  afflict 
ed  fellow-creatures,  for  whom  my  bowels  have  so 
often  yearned-  I  am  sure  I  shall  be  one  of  the 
greatest  friends  of  Perkinism  in  England  ;  so 
farewell  friend  R.  (Exit  Dr.  L.  as  pale  as  ashes*) 

In  this  dialogue  I  think  there  is  great  instruc 
tion.  In  case  any  of  our  Olivers  chance  to  meet 
\vith  a  Rowland,  and  are  involved  in  difficulties 
like  those  which  threatened  this  champion,  they 
may  here  learn  the  true  way  of  becoming  'all 
things  to  all  men,'  and  sneak  out  of  the  scrape 
to  very  little  disadvantage  :  for  though  1  would  by 
no  means  advise  a  retreat,  where  there  is  the  least 


us 

In  medical  Societies  pour 

Forth  all  thy  wonted  learned  lore : 


chance  of  success  in  fighting  (which  chance  did 
not  exist  in  this  case,  for  Rowland  was  preparing 
himself  to  give  Learherhead  a  most  terrible  thresh* 
ing,  had  he  not  yielded)  still, 

'  He  who  fights  and  runs  away, 
*  May  live  to  fight  another  day  ;' 

and  the  Doctor  escaping  with  a  whole  skin  is  now 
left  alive  and  mighty  to  assail  the  supporters  of 
Perkinism  in  a  more  cautious  but  not  less  deci 
sive  manner. 

101  Prepare  the  batteries  of  thy  Journal. 

Here  I  can,  with  certainty,  calculate  on  the  most 

powerful  co-operation.       This ,  what  shall  I 

call  it  ?  This  official  Gazette  of  the  Profession— 
this  Medico-Chemico-CoOTiVo- Repository,  for  the 
effusions  of  self-puffers,  prescribing  rulers  and  re* 
cipes, 

1  How  best  to  fill  his  purse,  and  thin  the  town.' 

this  powerful  instrument  of  offensive  and  defen 
sive  warfare  has  ever,  with  becoming  vigilance, 
guarded  its  post  against  Perkinean  Invaders,  and 
suffered  no  occasion  to  pass,  without  a  squirt  of 
the  Gallic  Acid  of  Satire,  when  there  was  deemed 
a  possibility  of  blackening  the  common  enemy. 

I  can  never  sufficiently  express  my  approbation 
of  the    Carthaginian   cunning.,   with   which   this 


154 


Tell  the  vile  deeds  by  quackery  done, 
By  every  nostrum,  save  thine  own.  Ia3 


Journal  has  been  conducted.  Dr.  B.  professing 
great  impartiality,  in  an  early  number  (see  vol.  ii. 
p.  85)  invited  communications  on  t!;e  subject  of 
the  Tractors.  Subsequent  management  evidently 
showed  a  slight  omission  in  the  Doctor's  notice, 
and  that  he  meant  communications  on  one  aide  only  ; 
for  he  has  omitted  no  pains  to  procure  and  publish 
whatsoever  could  be  suggested  against  the  Trac 
tors  :  but,  though  reports  of  cases  in  their  favour, 
and  all  the  publications  of  the  Patentee  have  been 
before  him,  not  a  syllable  of  these  was  ever  no 
ticed  by  that  gentleman  ;  neither  has  it  ever  ap 
peared  by  his  Journal  that  such  facts  ever  existed! 

I03  By  every  nostrum,  save  thins  cwn. 
I  appeal  to  any  of  my  brethren,  who  have  been 
gratified,  as  I  often  have  been,  with  the  Demos 
thenes-like  torrent,  which  has  been  so  frequently 
poured  forth,  in  our  Medical  Societies,  by  this 
1  Child  and  Champion'  of  the  Galenical  Throng-, 
against  quackery,  and  all  its  appurtenances,  whe 
ther  it  were  fair  to  surmise,  as  some  unconscion 
able  rogues  have  done,  that  Dr.  B.  has  absolutely 
himself  become  the  proprietor  of  a  quack  medi 
cine.  The  fire  of  eloquence,  with  which  Perkin- 
ism,  that  most  atrocious  kind  of  quackery,  has 
been  so  frequently,  and  so  effectually  assailed  by 
the  learned  Doctor,  at  the  Medical  Society  at 
Guys,  the  Lyceum  Medico  Londonensis,  Sec.  &c. 
£cc.  ought  to  have  insured  Dr.  B.  so  much  of  the 
gratitude  of  the  Profession,  that,  although  ha 


1JJ 

For  them  didst  play  the  hero  rarely  3 
At  Westminster,  when  routed  fairly ; 


should  himself  choose  to  become  one  of  the  arrant* 
est  quacks  in  the  kingdom,  he  might  depend  on 
your  support  of  his  reputation,  and  your  exertions 
to  uphold  him.  No  subsequent  apostacy  on  his 
part,  I  maintain,  will  justify  a  dereliction  of  him. 

Kecall  to  your  recollection,  Gentlemen,  the  de 
nunciations  he  has  so  often  made  against  every 
medical  practitioner)  who  should  presume,  either 
directly  or  indirectly,  to  offer  any  patronage  to  re 
medies,  which  bore  even  the  most  distant  resem 
blance  to  a  nostrum*  Kow  often  have  the  walls 
of  the  Medical  Theatres  of  Saint  Thomas's  Hos 
pital,  and  Windmill  Street,  echoed  loud  responses 
to  his  declamations  against  the  varlets,  v  ho  should 
dare  to  recommend  means,  in  the  profits  of  the 
consumption  of  which  the  whole  profession  could 
not  participate  ?  How  often  have  you  received 
his  invitations  to  serd  him  your  effusions  and  de 
clamations  against  quackery,  to  receive  an  efficient 
publication  in  his  Journal,  and  what  number  of 
that  Journal  has  appeared,  without  performing  his 
promise,  by  honouring  those  effusions  with  a  place 
in  its  immortal  pages. 

Lest  even  these  most  important  considerations 
should  still  find  you  inexorable,  I  trust  I  can  show* 
\)y  examining  his  conduct  in  regard  to  the  quack 
medicine  in  question,  that,  if  it  be  not  praise-wor 
thy,  it  is,  at  least,  defensible. 

The  title  of  the  nostrum,  which  has  had  the 
assistance  of  Dr.  13.  in  being  introduced  to  the 
notice  of  a  grateful  public  is  '  A  NEW  MEDICINE 


i.56 

genius  shewed  such  vast  resources, 
'Gainst  Belgraves,  Colquhouns,  Wilberforces  !10* 

FOR  THE  GOUT.'  The  pretended  discoverer  of 
this  specific  is,  for  very  commendable,  or,  which 
is  the  same  thing,  very  prudent  reasons,  kept  be 
hind  the  curtain.  I  wish,  however,  to  express  my 
utter  disbelief  that  either  Dr.  Brodum  or  Dr. 
Solomon  is  the  happy  mortal,  however  similar  the 
style  of  the  pamphlet,  announcing  this  New  Me 
dicine,  may  be  to  their  erudite  writings,  and  the 
pretensions  of  the  said  medicine  to  4  Balms  of 
Gilead'  and  to  «  Nervous  Cordials.'  That  neither 
of  these  Gentlemen  is  the  person  at  present  incog, 
who  invented  Dr.  B's  new  nostrum  aforesaid,  ap 
pears  to  me  evident  for  three  substantial  reasons* 

1 .  Drs.  Brodum  and  Solomon  have  never  shrunk 
from  a  free  exposure  of  their  names,  or  evinced 
an  inclination  to  enjoy  the  emoluments  of  empi 
ricism,  without  openly  and  boldly  coming  forward 
to  endure  the  stigma,  which  is  ever  its  insepara 
ble  companion. 

2.  They  have  never  declined  the  public  sale  of 
their  nostrums  in  the  shops,  nor  pretended  to  offer 
it  to  the  public  without  a  remuneration  ;  whereas, 
in  the  present  instance,  the  nostrum  is  not  sold 
at  all  in  the  shops,  but  is  most  generously  given 
away,  even  two  or  three  spoons-full  at  a  time,  by 
Dr.  Bradley,  to  any  person,  who  will  call  on  him 
for  advice,  and  leave  with  him  a  guinea  for  thut 
advice* 

'  3.  Those  two  gentlemen,  also,  have  never,  ho 
nourably  and  honestly,  saved  the  commissioners  of 
the  Stamp  Office  the  trouble  of  collecting  a  reve- 


157 

Though  hunted  clown,  thou  would' t  not  yield  \ 
Though  trodden  on,  didst  kee?p  the  field, 


nue  for  government,  from  the  consumption  of  their 
quack  medicines,  as  none  can  be  collected  on  that 
which  is  given  away. 

But  why  do  I  labour  to  prove  that,  which  would 
be  of  no  moment,  were  the  reverse  of  my  opinion 
Ibi-ncl  to  be  the  fact,  and  that  the  medicine  were 
in  reality  even  the  joint  property  of  that  powerful 
trio,  Brodum,  Bradley,  and  Solomon,  when  I  have 
a  most  conclusive  and  honourable  document  in 
favour  of  Dr.  Bradley 's  honourable  and  consistent 
conduct.  This  is  no  other  than  his  Letter  to  the 
.unknown  proprietor  of  this  Blessing  to  the  human 
race.  Unfortunately  for  the  edification  of  your 
learned  body,  my  limits  will  not  allow  of  the  in 
sertion  of  the  whole  of  that  precious  communica 
tion  ;  you  will,  therefore,  please  to  treasure  up 
more  eagerly  the  short  extract  I  shall  make. 

The  letter  begins  with  a  '  «&>,'  which  scarcely 
leaves  a  doubt  that  the  happy  mortal  in  question 
is  not  Mrs.  Williams,  the  conjuress. 

6  As  I  ajifiroved  of  the  manner  in  which  you 
*  commenced  your  trials  of  the  virtues  and  efficacy 
4  of  your  gout  medicine,  I  can  have  no  objection 
4  to  giving  an  opinion  on  the  subject.' 

Now  could  any  thing-  have  been  more  proper  ? 
Provided  Dr.  Bradley  '  aji/iro~ued'  of  the  composi 
tion  being  kept  a  secret,  however  disposed  he  may 
be  to  trample  upon  the, Metallic  Tractors  on  that 
very  account,  he  had  an  undoubted  right  to  express 
himself  accordingly.  I  have  another  incontesti- 
ble  proof  of  the  Doctor's  inconflrckentibic  wisdom 
R 


Thus  Witherington,  in  doleful  dumps, 
For  lack  of  legs,  fought  stout  on  stumps! 


and  discretion. — He  has  ascertained  that  this  in 
ternal  medicine,  though  powerful^  l  is  safe  and  in- 
4  nocent,'  which  peculiar  virtue  is  not  possessed 
by  any  other  internal  medicine  that  ever  was,  and, 
I  fear,  ever  will  be  discovered  again,  unless  Dr. 
B.  t;ies  his  skill  a  second  time.  4  This  point,1 
says  the  Doctor, 4  I  ascertained  on  first  receiving 
4  a  supply  of  it  from  you,  by  taking  it  myself,  and 

*  alsfQ  by  administering  it  to  patients  labouring 

*  under  acute  rheumatism  (so  now  the  gout  medi- 

*  cine  will  cure  other  diseases  !)  in  which  cases  it 
4  always  relieved  pain,  without  producing  any  dis- 
4  agreeable  effect  on  the  constitution! ! !'     But  go 
on:  *  In  acutely  inflammatory  and  painful  attacks 
4  of  the  gout,  I  have  never  seen  it  fail  to  produce 
4  the   desired    effect.'     (Vicl.    page    57.)     Euge ! 
Euge!  Great  Doctor  Bradley! 

Let  no  half-sighted  mortal,  who  is  aware  of  the 
achievements  of  this  lordly  chieftain  and  his  im 
precations  so  often  poured  forth  against  every  sup 
porter  of  a  nostrum,  vvlio  values  among  mankind 
that  deportment,  denominated  CONSISTENCY,  ex 
claim  at  this  modest  account  of  the  virtues  of  the 
present  nostrum,  '  How  ARE  THE  MIGHTY  FAL- 

*  LEN  11'    No !  but  let  him  ponder  well,  and  recol 
lect,  that  Bradley  k  is  an  honourable  man,  and  bO 
'  are  they  alj,  all  honourable  men,'  who  have  raised 
the  standard  of  defiance  against  the  encroach 
ments  of  PerkinUmJ 


159 

And  couldst  thou,  pertinacious  Bradley, 
But  maul  these  mutton  heads,  most  sadly, 
Soon  might  thy  wig  (the  people  staring) 
All  in  a  chariot  take  an  airin<j!'I05 


10 *  'Gainst  Belgraves,  Colquhouns,  Wilber- 
forces  ! 

What  business  had  these  fellows  to  intrude 
tlieir  noses  into  the  concerns  of  the  Westminster 
Infirmary  ?  Brother  B.  had  an  undoubted  right 
to  manage,  or  wz-smanage,  the  funds  of  a  Medical 
Institution,  as  best  suited  his  own  convenience, 
without  their  troublesome  interference- 

*°5  Jill  in  a  chariot  take  an  airing. 

I  hereby  enter  a  protest  against  any  one  of  my 
commentators,  whether  he  be  Vascanderdigindich 
the  elder,  or  Hansvanshognosuch,  his  cousin  Ger 
man  (two  Dutch  geniusses,  who  have  promised  to 
furnish  the  next  edition  of  this  my  pithy  poem 
•with  a  whole  ass-load  of  annotations),  or  any  other 
Gentlemen  Critics  or  Reviewers  of  equal  profun 
dity,  presuming  to  intimate,  that  I  intend,  by  this 
passage,  the  smallest  disrespect  to  your  fades tr Jan 
Physicians.  Far  from  that ;  I  know  that  many 
good  and  great  men  (like  myself,  for  example) 
cannot  even  pay  a  shilling  for  hackney-coach  hire. 
No,  Gentlemen  ;  I  have  two  great  objects  in  view, 
to  wit, 

1.  To  encourage  my  brother  B —  to  persevere 
in  his  laudable  attempt  to  kick  Perkinism  back  to 
the  country  whence  it  originated,  by  reminding 


160 

Led  on  by  chieftains  so  redoubted, 
These  vile  Perkineans  must  be  routed  ; 


him  that,  if  the  feat  were  once  performed,  he 
might,  perhaps,  soon  afford  the  expence  of  a  cha 
riot  to  transport,  in  a  respectable  manner,  #//that 
wig,  without  laying  the  entire  burden  on  the  cu 
rious  sconce  it  now  envelopes. 

2.  To  remind  Brother  B — ,  and  the  profession 
in  general,  how  much  more  execution  may  be  done 
by  a  Charioteer  than  by  a  Pedestrian  Physician. 

Although  great  men  frequently  diifer,  lam  hap 
py  to  find  Mr.  dddison'&  opinion  and  mine,  in  this 
particular,  perfectly  consentaneous. 

1  This  body  of  men,'  says  he,  speaking  of  Phy 
sicians  in  our  own  country,  '  may  be  described 
4  like  the  British  army  in  Caesar's  time.  Some 
'  slay  in  chariots,  and  some  on  foot.  If  the  In- 

*  fantry  do  less  execution  than  the  Charioteers^  it 

*  is  because  they  cannot  be  carried,  so  soon,  into 
1  all  parts  of  the  town,  and  dispatch  so  much  bu- 

*  siness  in  so  short  a  time.'    Spectator,  No.  2  1 . 

Not  an  individual,  I  will  venture  to  assert,  who 
knows  my  brother  B — ,  but  must  feel  the  really- 
urgent  necessity  of  elevating  him,  as  soon  as  pos 
sible,  from  I;  fia-ue  and  giving  those  talents  their 
full  awing.  Then  indeed  soon  might  our  cha 
rioteer  justly  boasted — 

*  London,  with  all  her  passing  bells,  can  tell, 

*  By  this  right  arm  what  mighty  numbers  fell. 
<  Whilst  others  meanly  ask'd  whole  months  to 

slay, 
«  I  eft  dispatch'd  the  patient  in  a  day. 


161 

Then,  if  in  future  people  be  sick, 
They'll  worship  us,  the  Gods  of  Physic. 

Why  stand  ye  now,  like  drones,  astounded, 
The  weapons  of  your  warfare  grounded  ? 
Arm'd  cap-a-pe,  like  heroes  rush  on, 
And  crush  this  reptile  Institution. 

But  first,  to  make  the  bigger  bluster, 
Join  every  quack  that  you  can  muster  , 
Some  place  in  rear,  and  some  in  front  on, 
From  Brodum  down  to  gaseous  Thornton. 


With  pen  in  hand,  I  push'd  to  that  degree, 
I  scarce  hud  left  a  wretch  to  give  a  fee. 
Some  fell  by  laudanum,  and  some  by  steel, 
And  death  in  ambush  lay  in  every  pjll ; 
For  save,  or  slay,  this  privilege  we  claim, 
Though  credit  suffers,  the  reward's  the  same.1 

106  From  Brodum  down  iQ gaseous  Thornton. 

I  am  fully  sensible  that  many  of  my  brethren, 
«f  less  discernment  than  myself,  would  have  as 
signed  this  famous  little  genius  a  rank  on  the  em 
pirical  list  even  above  Dr.  Brodum.  Making  fluf 
fing  their  criterion,  they  will  argue,  that  those 
acute  half-guinea  paragraphs,  which  we  occasion- 
R  2 


162 

Now  when  the  foe  you  first  get  sight  on, 
Shout  £A  IRA,  and  then  rush  right  on  j 


ally  see  at  the  fag-end  of  the  Times  and  other 
morning;  papers,  respecting  that  '  very  learned 
'  Physician,' — his  i  Great  Discoveries,  and  Im- 
4  provements  in  the  medical  application  of  the 
'  Gasses,' — his  •  Grand  National  Botanical  Work,' 
and  fifty  others  of  the  same  strain,  asserting  the 
high  claims  of  this  airy  writer  on  the  gratitude  of 
the  public,  are  inconlestible  proofs  of  his  superior 
merits  in  the  puffing  department,  which,  say  they, 
are  some  of  the  most  necessary  ingredients  in  the 
formation  of  a  Charlatan.  All  this  is  specious 
reasoning;  but  I  trust  I  shall  show  its  fallacy. 
Pre-eminence,  in  my  opinion,  must  be  founded  on 
some  intrinsic  excellence,  original  and  indepen 
dent  of  adventitious  circumstances.  If  we  closely 
examine  the  merits  of  this  candidate,  we  shall  find 
that  there  can  be  no  great  claim  on  this  score. 
Let  any  man  enjoy  the  facilities  and  advantag&s  of 
a  general  dealer  in  the  airs,  who  must  of  course 
have  puffs  of  all  descriptions  at  hand;  and  where 
is  the  merit  of  occasionally  letting  off  one? 

If  their  be  any  thing  like  originality  in  this  in 
dustrious  little  philosopher,  and  for  the  invention 
of  which  I  should  be  inclined  to  allow  him  the 
credit  of  ingenuity,  it  consists  in  his  meritometer, 
which  proposes  to  measure  the  merits  of  his  fel 
low  creatures  by  the  degree  of  faith  they  can  af 
ford  to  bestow  on  the  infallibility  of  his  gasses  as 
a  panacea. "  See  his  plan  of  this  Instrument,  or 
rather  the  deductions  drawn  from  his  trials  of  it, 
in  his  large  five  volume  comjiiiatitn  of1 


163 

And  make  as  terrible  a  racket, 

As  ever  did  a  woman's  clack  yet.  r°7 


vol.  i.  page  459.  From  this  scale  it  appears,  that 
^^  of  mankind  are  either  fools  or  knaves,  as  that 
proportion  places  no  confidence  in  the  efficacy  of 
his  catholicon.  I  hope,  therefore,  after  the  good 
reasons  here  assigned  for  IT./  conduct,  I  shall 
not  be  suspected  of  partiality  to  Dr.  Brodum  in 
retaining  him  at  the  head  of  the  Quacks,  nor  ill- 
will  to  Dr.  T.  for  not  calling  him  up  higher  on 
the  list. 

I07  As  ever  did  a  woman's  Clack  yet. 

Notwithstanding  what  Swift,  and  other  gentle 
men  of  the  order  of  Cynics,  have  said  or  sung  to 
the  disparagement  of  the  fair  sex,  and  notwith 
standing  the  many  rebuffs  I  have  myself  received, 
whenever  I  have  attempted  to  win  the  heart  of 
any  divinityship,  above  the  order  of  a  Billingsgate- 
lady,  still  1  had  supposed  the  fair  sex,  as  being  the 
weaker  vessel,  were  entitled  to  a  great  share  of 
our  indulgence  and  protection  ;  and  could  not  of 
consequence  so  well  discover  the  motives  actuat 
ing  those  philosophers,  who  have  endeavoured  to 
persuade  us  that  the  fairer  half  of  mankind  were 
made  merely  for  the  purpose  of  being  a  thorn  in 
the  side  of  the  other  half.  But  my  wife,  as  before 
intimated,  (page  42)  being  an  intolerable  scold,  I 
have,  at  length,  become  a  complete  woman-hater) 
and  have  as  great  an  antipathy  to  a  female  as  ever 
a  toad  had  to  a  spider. 

1  have,  however,  forqierly  had  so  much  expe 
rience  in  love  affairs'  that,  for  twenty  years  past, 


164 

For  should  you  sound  a  loud  alarum, 
Perhaps  you  may  so  sadly  scare  'em, 


I  have  thought  myself  amply  qualified  to  set  up 
for  a  sort  of  love  casuist,  have  given  much  g©od 
advice  respecting  the  best  mode  of  adjusting  all 
afiairs  of  the  heart,  and  have  acquitted  myself 
much  to  the  satisfaction  of  those  ladies  and  gen 
tlemen,  who  have  consulted  me  on  the  occasion. 

Now,  as  you  are  about  to  commence  a  most  ter 
rible  combat,  from  which  it  is  ten  to  one  if  one 
in  ten  of  your  honourable  body  ever  return  alive, 
I  could  wish,  out  of  the  superabundance  of  my 
humanity,  that  you  should  enjoy  life  as  much  as 
possible,  before  you  are  <  killed  off,'  or,  as  our 
best  modern  philosophers  (Dr.  Darwin  and  others) 
would  have  it,  go  to  slecfy  and  therefore  regale 
you,  for  a  moment,  with  the  following  titbit  of 
sentimentality. 

A  certain  young  gentleman  of  my  acquaintance 
had  read  the  '  Sorrows  of  WerterJ  and  other  deli 
cious  novels  of  that  kind,  in  which  the  passion  of 
Jove  is  represented  as  irresistible^  and  of  conse 
quence  its  existence  in  the  breast  of  any  person 
would  justify  the  commission  of  suicide,  provided 
he  could  not  obtain  the  lovely  object  of  all  his 
soul's  desire. 

The  impressions  thus  made  were  of  such  ^ 
nature,  that  the  said  gentleman  was  taken  most 
terribly  in  love  the  very  first  opportunity,  pined 
away,  almost  to  a  mere  shadow  of  a  skeleton, 
worte  many  a  4  doleful  ballad  to  his  mistress'  eye- 
4  brows,'  and  was  fully  determined  to  shoot,  hang, 


165 

Like  frighted  sheep,  they'll  huddle  right  in 
The  Old  Nick's  den,  without  much  fighting, 


or  drown  himself,  provided  his  delectable  should  not 
prove  as  kind  as  she  was  fair. 

At  this  momentous  crisis  of  his  disorder  I  dosed 
my  whining  patient  with  the  following  poetical 
panacea,  which  completely  removed  his  complaint, 
or,  at  least,  gave  it  such  a  direction  that  it  was 
perfectly  harmless,  and  had  a  tendency  rather  to 
elevate  than  depress  his  mental  energies. 

A  Poetical  Epistle  to  a  Friend  of  Doctor  Caustic, 
\vho  was  uncommonly  susceptible  of  the  charms 
of  the  fair,  and  frequently  fell  desperately  in 
love  at  the  first  sight  of  a  firje  lady. 

WITH  mute  attention  leittd  your  ear, 
To  hear,  '  and  reverence  what  you  hear,' 
While  truths  more  precious  I  unfcld 
Than  splendid  gems  incas'd  in  gold. 
I  wish  no  friend  of  mine  to  own 
The  nerve  of  steel,  the  /heart  of  stone, 
But  BEAUTY'S  willing  votary  bow, 
Nor  blush  allegiance  to  avow. 
When  angry  clouds  life's  Sun  o'ercast, 
Preluding  rude  misfortune's  blast ; 
When  doubts  perplex,  when  cares  annoy, 
And  bar  each  avenue  of  joy; 
When  the  pale  victim  of  disease, 
Which  baffled  art  cannot  appease, 
Torn  by  affliction's  sharpest  thong, 
Till  hope  has  ceas'd  her  syren  sonij, 


166 

Just  so  a  gang  of  Indian  savages, 

When  they  set  out  to  make  great  ravages, 


Beholds  pale  horror's  spectred  form 
Hide  moaning  in  the  midnight  storm, 
The  fairer  sex  possess  the  power 
To  tranquillize  the  torturing  hour,* 
And  bid  mild  sympathy  impart 
A  cordial  to  the  bursting  heart. 

To  cheer  with  smiles  the  vale  of  woe 
Is  not  the  only  power  they  know, 
But  oft  it  is  their  sweet  employ 
To  light  with  love  the  lamp  of  joy. 
'Tis  theirs,  in  pleasure's  brightest  noon, 
The  fibres  of  the  heart  to  tune 
To  tones  of  rapture,  which  might  even 
Prelude  the  harmony  of  heaven. 
Then  should  you  find  a  fair  one  true 
To  love,  to  Nature^  and  to  you; 
What  time  a  thousand  tender  arts 
Denote  a  unison  of  hearts  ; 
When  half  express'd,  half  stifled  sigh, 
And  timid  glance  from  downcast  eye 
Appear,  expressively  unique, 
With  crimson  flush  of  beauty's  cheek; 
And  all  in  tender  tone  proclaim, 
That  hopes  and  wishes  are  the  same  : 
Unite  assenting  hearts  and  hands 
In  gentle  Hymeneal  bands ; 

*  If  the  heart  of  a  man  be  oppresVd  with  care, 
Tlie  mist  is  dispell'd  if  a  woman  appear. 

Gay's  Beggar'*  Opera, 


167 

With  war-whoop  fright  their  foes  (God  help  'em) 
And  then  proceed  to  kill  and  scalp  'em. 


Then  shall  fresh  rapture  crown  each  day 
Till  life  and  love  at  once  decay. 

But  ne'er  commence  in  love's  career, 
With  silly  plainings  'bout  your  dear  ; 
Nor  sit  on  moss-grown  bank,  and  snivel, 
Because  Miss  Sylva  is  uncivil; 
Nor  tell  to  every  brawling  brook 
She  petrified  you  with  a  look ; 
Nor  think  it  right  to  hang  or  drown 
In  consequence  of  Laura's  frown  ; 
Nor  make  your  fair,  in  prose  or  metre, 
A  '  monstrous  pretty'  sort  of  creature; 
Ransack  the  store-house  of  dame  Nature, 
To  find  some  simile  to  mate  her; 
Nor  conjure  up,  with  deal  of  pains, 
From  vasty  deep  of  poets'  brains, 
A  heath 'nish  kind  of  wizard  battery, 
To  take  her  heart  by  dint  of  flattery  ; 
That  Venus,  Dian,  and  the  rest, 
Compared  with  her,  are  second  best. 
For  if  she's  sense,  a  single  grain, 
That  sort  of  tttujf  will  all  be  vain. 
She'll  say  four  compliments  so  smart, 
Are  from  the  head,  but  not  the  heart; 
And  with  your  wear  and  tear  of  brains, 
You've  got  c  your  labour  for  your  pains.' 

This  is  a  specimen,  Gentlemen,  of  my  powers 
in  the  sentimental  and  pathetic.  What  succeeds 
iu  this  grand  performance  will  be  in  regular  gra 
dation  from  the  sublime  to  the  dreadful,  till  1  ar- 


168 

But  now,  ere  further  we  precced, 

To  set  forth  every  mighty  deed, 

We  must  exchange  (tho'  horror  stiffen  ye) 

Our  Clio  for  a  fell  Tisiphone! 

For  when  we  do  these  wretches  batter, 
'Twill  be  no  water-gruel  matter; 
And  you'll  agree  then,  I  assure  ye, 
My  muse  is  well  chang'  for  a  fury. 

Thou  sprite !  thou  hag !  thou  witch !  thou  spectre! 
Friend  Southey's  crony  and  protector : I0^ 

rive  to  the  acme  of  the  horrid,  where  I   hope  to 
take  leave  of  your  Worships. 

108  Friend  Southey's  crony  and  protector ! 

Nothing  but  the  most  urgent  necessity  could 
have  induced  me  to  have  formed  any  intimacy 
with  the  haggard  harridan,  which  my  friend  sub 
stituted  for  a  Muse,  in  giving  birth  to-lhe  9th  book 
of  his  Epic  Poem,  called  *  Joan  of  Arc.'  Wish 
ing  for  some  kind  of  celestial  influence,  (as  is 
customary  on  similar  occasions)  to  assist  in  de 
scribing  the  dreadful  battle  we  are  about  to  com 
mence,  I  sought,  in  due  form,  the  aid  of  Apollo,  the 
Tuneful  Nine,  Delia  Crusca's  'GENIUS  OK  MUSE,' 


169 

Who  lecTst  the  bard,  with  Joan  of  Arc, 
Through  death's  deep,  dreary,  dungeon  dark  ! 


and  all  the  Gods,  Goddesses,  Entities,  or  Nonenti 
ties,  who  were  ever  known  to  lift  a  poor  poet  from 
the  bathos  of  profundity  to  the  hufisos  of  sublimity. 
But  not  one  of  their  Deity-ships  would  risk  his  or 
her  neck  and  reputation  in  our  perilous  rencontre. 
I  was,  of  course,  driven  as  my  dernier  resort ,  to 
this  old  Fury. 

If  your  Worships  have  any  ambition  for  a"  fur 
ther  acquaintance  with  this  poetical  non-clescript, 
you  will  turn  to  the  aforesaid  9th  Book  of  « Joan  of 
^rc,'  and  between  the  20th  and  40th  lines,  you 
will  find  a  '  female'  guiding  a  c  crazy  vessel'  with 
a  'spread  sail  before  the  wind,'  'that  moans  me 
lancholy  mournful  to  her'  (Joan  of  Arc's)  <  ear,  as 
'  ever  by  the  dungeon'd  wretch  was  heard  howl- 
*  ing  at  evening,  round  the  embattled  toivers    of 
'that  heil-house   of  France  !'  Examine  this  '  fe- 
1  male   more   minutely,   (if  you   are  not  already 
frightened  out  of  your  senses,)  and  you  will  per 
ceive  that  '  wan  her  face  is,  and  her  eyes  hollow, 
and  her  sunk  cheeks  are  furrowed  deep,  chan 
nelled  by  tears;    a  few   grey  lucks   hang  down 
beneath  her  hood  ;'  and  *  the  night  breeze  pass 
ing,  lifting  her  tattered  mantle,'  discloses  a  ser- 
«  pent  gnawing  at   her  heart.'     Then,  if  pleased 
with  this  specimen  of  the  horrible,  yoiu  worships, 
the  right  honorable  the  members  of   the   Royal 
College   of  Physicians,  may  stcfi  into  the  '  crazy- 
vessel'  aforesaid,  and  proceed  with  BARD,  HAG, 
and  JOAN  aforesaid,  and  you  will   soon  be  intro- 
s 


170 

Until  ye  were,  I  dare  be  bound, 
Near  half  a  mile  down  under  ground  ; 
Mid  screeching  ghosts  and  dragons  dreadful, 
As  e'er  fill'd  dreaming  madman's  head  full ! 

Give  me  in  proper  tone  to  tell, 
Between  a  mutter  and  a  yell, 
How  best  our  fierce  avenging  choler 
May  work  dire  deeds  of  doleful  dolour. 

Come  on  !  Begin  the  grand  attack 

With  aloes,  squills,  and  ipecac  ; 

And  then  with  glyster-pipe  and  squirt-gun, 

There  will  be  monstrous  deal  of  hurt  done  ! 

Each  wray-fac'd  rogue,  and  dirty  trollop, 
Must  well  be  dos'd  with  drastic  Jalap, 


duced  to  Giant  <  DESPAIR,'  with  {eye  large  and 
4  rayless  ;'  '  blue  flames  on  his  face,'  with  '  a 
'  death  cold  touch,  &c«'  But  as  for  my  a  elf,  howe 
ver  honoured  I  should  feel,  on  all  other  occasions, 
•with  your  Worships  ctimpany,  after  wishing  your 
good  Worships  a  stiff  breeze,  I  must  beg  leave  to 
be  off. 


171 

And  though  their  insides  you  should  call  up, 
Still  make  the  numsculls  take  it  all  up. 

Cram  all  the  ninny-hammers  gullets, 
With  pills  as  big  as  pistol  bullets  ; 
Then,  Frenchman  like,  give  each  a  glister, 
And  next  go  on  to  bleed  and  blister. 

Dash  at  them  escharotics  gnawing, 
Their  carcases  to  pick  a  flaw  in  ; 
Of  nitrous  acid  huge  carboys, 
Fill'd  to  the  brim,  like  Margate  hoys. 

-( 

Thus  when  the  Greeks  with  their  commander, 
That  righting  fellow,  Alexander, 
Set  out  one  morning  full  of  ire, 
To  take  and  burn  the  town  of  Tyre  ; 

A  patriotic  stout  old  woman 
Look'd  out,  and  saw  the  chaps  a  coming  ; 
When  on  a  sudden  she  bethought  her 
To  heat  a  kettle  full  of  water  ; 


172 

And  as  they  went  to  climb  the  ladder, 
(Sure  never  vixen  could  be  madder, 
But  so  the  historian  of  the  fray  says) 
She  fir'd  her  water  in  their  faces  ! 

But  to  return  to  our  great  battle  ; 
Now  rant  !  rave!  roar!  and  rend  !  and  rattle  !  I09 
Like  earth-born  giants  when  they  strove, 
To  pull  the  ears  of  thundering  Jove  ! 

Pelt  the  vile  foe  with  weapons  missile  ; 
Make  vials  round  their  sconces  whistle  ; 
Shower  on  them  a  tremendous  torrent, 
Of  gaily  pots  and  bottles  horrent. 

And  now  make  at  'em  like  Mendozas, 
With  forceps  pinch  and  pull  their  noses, 

109  Now  rant!  rave!  roar!  and  rend!  and  rattle. 

I  Christopher  Caustic,  censured  by  critics,  for 
my  apt  alliterations,  though  artfully  allied,  yet 
/^resume  it  is  policy,  for  a /Jenny  less  /?oet  to/polish 
his  /mny  lays  to  such  a  /zitch  of  perfection,  that 
/zosterity  may  please  to  /zlace  the  pithy  production 
/paramount  to  the  Beaked  /zoint  of  the  Binnacle  of 
Pierian  -Parnassus. 


173 

With  tournequet  and  dire  tooth-drawers, 
First  gird  their  necks,  then  break  both  jaws. 

But  lo !  They  bid  our  dread  alliance 
Of  doctors,  quacks,  and  drugs  defiance ; 
And,  firm  as  host  of  cavaliers, 
Convert  their  Tractors  into  spears ! 

See  host  to  host  and  man  to  man  set ! 
A  Tractor  each,  and  each  a  Lancet ! 
Each  meets  his  foe,  so  fierce  attacks  him  ! 
That  sure  some  God  or  Demon  backs  him ! 

Fell  Ate's  shriek  the  world  alarms ! 
Bellona  bellows  '  ARMS!  TO  ARMS!' 
War's  Duemon  dire,  a  great  red  Dragon, 
Drives,  Jehu-like,  Death's  iron  waggon! !  Jl° 


110  Drives,  Jehu-like,  Death's  iron  waggon. 

A  poet  of  less  judgment  than  myself  would  have 
seated  Mars  in  the  Chariot  of  Victory,  a  Vaux- 
hall  car,  or  some  other  flimsy  vehicle  of  that  kind, 
which  would  be  sure  to  be  dashed  to  pieces  in  a 
conflict  like  this  in  which  we  are  at  present  en 
gaged^  The  carriage  here  introduced  was  m«de. 
s  2 


174, 

Loud  shouts  and  dismal  yells  arise ! 
Rend  the  blue  «  blanket'  of  the  skies!  "* 
Grim  Horror's  scream  and  Fury's  frantic 
Howl  might  be  heard  across  the  Atlantic !  ! 


o 


Although  a  comet's  tail  should  hap 

To  give  our  globe  a  fatal  slap, 

The  (  crush  of  worlds'  and  (  wreck  of  matter7 

Would  make  ten  thousand  times  less  clatter! 

Now  to  the  wretches  give  no  quarter, 
Pound  them  in  indignation's  mortar ; 


by  Vulcan,  in  his  best  stile  of  workmanship,  for 
the  express  purpose  of  this  attack,  and  in  point  of 
strength  and  size,  bears  no  more  proportion  to  the 
chariot  commonly  used  by  the  God  of  War,  than 
one  of  those  huge  broad-wheeled  Manchester  wag 
gons  to  the  little  whalebone  thing-ami/  which  the 
Duke  of  Queensbury  ran  at  New  Market. 

"r  Pvend  the  blue  '  blanket'  of  the  skies. 
This  is  the  same  <  blanket'  which  Mr.  Canning 
said  was  '  wet'  when  he  exhibited  it  in  the  House 
of  Commons.  Since  his  use  of  it  on  that  occa 
sion  it  has  been  so  frequently  wrung  by  the  wits, 
that  it  has  now  become  a  perfectly  dry  and  almost 
thread-bare  article. 


175 

Let  not  the  women,  nor  the  men  chance 
To  'scape  the  pestle  of  your  vengeance ! 

Make  cerebrum  and  cerebellum, 
To  rattle  like  a  roll  of  vellum, 
And  occiput  of  every  numhead, 
To  sound  as  loud  as  kettle-drum  head. 

With  fell  trepan  ing  perforator, 
Pierce  every  rascal's  stubborn  pate,  or 
With  chisel  plied  with  might  and  main, 
Ope  a  huge  hole  in  pericrane. 

And  with  a  most  tremendous  process, 
With  power  of  elephant's  proboscis, 
At  once  crush  dura,  pia  mater, 
As  one  would  mash  a  boil'd  potatoe ! 

Then,  with  harsh  amputating  saw, 
Slash  frontal  os  from  under  jaw ; 
And  make  a  wound,  by  cutting  slant  down, 
For  Doctor  Tasker  to  descant  on. IJ* 


176 

Attack  Medulla,  hight  Spinalis,- 

From  where -the  head  to  where  the  tail  is;  ir3 

112  For  Doctor  Tasker  to  descant  on. 

I  feel  a  very  great  solicitude  to  mould  and  mo 
dify  every  part  and  parcel  of  this  performance  ac 
cording  to  rules  and  regulations  of  the  best  mas 
ter-builders  of  Epic  Poems,  Tragedies,  and  other 
great  things  of  that  kind.  The  judicious  critic 
will  perceive  that  all  my  wounds  are  inflicted  with 
anatomical  accuracy,  and  I  have  no  doubt  but  my 
friend  Dr.  Haygarth  will  do  himself  the  honour 
to  write  a  treatise  upon  this  subject,  and  tell  the 
world  with  what  terrible  propriety  we  have  hewed 
and  hacked  our  opponents  in  the  field  of  battle. 
The  Reverend  William  Tasker,  A.B.  has  furnish 
ed  a  model  of  this  species  of  criticism  in  l  A  series 
of  Letters,1  respecting  *  The  Anatomical  Know- 
*  ledge  of  Homer,  &c.'  Dr.  Haygarth  I  expect 
will  prove  that  the  '  death  wounds'  of  Sarpedon, 
Hector,  Ulysses'  Dog,  &c.  as  displayed  in  the 
Treatise  of  Dr.  Tasker,  were  mere  flea-bites  com 
pared  with  these  of  Dr.  Caustic. 

"3  From  where  the  head  to  where  the  tail  is. 

Or  more  correctly  where  the  tail  was.  Lord 
Monbocldo  tells  us  that  men,  as  well  as  monkies, 
were  formerly  dignified  with  long  tails  protruding 
from  the  place  where  (according  to  Butler)  ho 
nour  is  lodged.  Philosophers  and  antiquaries  had 
never  been  able  to  discover  how  man  became  di 
vested  of  this  ornament,  till  my  friend  Dr.  Ander 
son  furnished  a  clue  to  the  mystery.  (See  note 


177 

Till  with  rude  banging,  thumping,  thwacking, 
You  break  each  bone  each  booby's  back  in ! 

Thus  Virgil  tells  of  sturdy  fellows, 
Dares  yclep'd,  and  old  Entellus,. 
Who,  with  a  pair  of  iron  mittens, 
Attack'd  each  other  like  true  Britons. 

Entellus,  stout  as  Hob  the  giant, 
Made  horrid  work,  you  may  rely  on't; 
Exceeding  mightiest  verse  or  prose  deed, 
Knock' d  out  two  teeth,  and  made  his  nose  bleed ! 

And  now,  with  desperate  trocar, 

Urge  on  the  dreadful  '  tug  of  war;' 

And,  when  you've  stuck  them  in  the  crop,  say 

You  meant  to  tap  them  for  the  dropsy. 


21.)  From  his  discovery  I  am  led  to  suppose 
that  your  antediluvian  bucks  began  the  practice 
of  cuR-/az'/-ing  these  excrescences  for  gentility's 
sake,  and  what  was  at  first  artificial  became  in  due 
time  natural,  till,  at  length,  your  right  Tijifiies^  as 
in  modern  times,  were  entirely  disencumbered  of 
that  monkey-like  appendage  ;  but  our  Bond  Street 


178 

With  burning  lapis  infernalis, II4 
Convince  them  human  nature  frail  is; 


loungers,  although  divested  of  that  exterior  mark 
of  the  monkey,  with  a  laudable  desire  to  prevent 
the  intentions  of  Nature  from  being  defeated, 
have  adopted  all  the  ourang-outang-ical  azVs,  which 
she  originally  designed  should  discriminate  that 
species  of  animals  from  men. 

114  With  burning  lapis  infernalis. 

The  use  of  this  caustic  and  other  escharotics  on 
this  momentous  occasion,  reminds  me  of  an  im 
portant  era  in  my  life,  a  succinct  biographical 
sketch  of  which  I  shall  shortly  publish,  in  nineteen 
volumes  folio;  a  work  which,  in  point  of  size,  eru 
dition,  and  interesting  anecdote,  will  be  immensely 
preferable  to  the  voluminous  production  of  Lord 
Orford. 

The  event  in  question  was  of  the  greater  con 
sequence,  as  it  gave  rise  to  the  present  family 
name  of  '  CAUSTIC.' 

Just  thirty-two  years  since,  from  the  fourteenth 
day  of  last  July,  while  I  was  prosecuting  some  of 
my  chemical  researches,  my  eldest  son,  Tom,  a 
burly-faced  boy,  since  killed  in  a  duel  with  a  hot 
headed  Irish  gentleman,  overturned  a  bench,  on 
which  were  placed  seven  carboys  full  of  acids,  al 
kalies,  Sec.  and  broke  them  into  inch  pieces.  The 
consequences  of  this  accident  may  be  more  easily 
conceived  than  described.  The  whole  neighbour 
hood  was  alarmed,  and  many  most  terribly  caus- 
ticised,  in  endeavouring  to  extinguish  the  confla 
gration  which  ensued.  In  the  consternation,  and, 


179 

And  taunting,  tell  them  they're  afflicted, 
Because  they  are  to  sin  addicted. 


amid  the  exertion  to  subdue  it,  some  one  cried  cut 
that  Dr.  Crichton  (for  such  was  my  former  name, 
being  the  lineal  descendant  from  the  celebrated 

*  Admirable  Crichton')  is  fairly  a  Dr.  CAUSTIC. 

Thus  began  my  honorary  name,  of  which,  as  it 
is  scientific,  I  am  not  a  little  proud,  especially  as 
it  was  acquired  by  virtue  of  an  explosion,  similar 
to  that,  which  gave  the  honorary  appellation  of 
Bronte,  to  my  moral  and  modest  friend,  Viscount 
Nelson  of  the  Nile.  For  further  particulars  re 
specting  this  important  event,  you  will  please  to 
inquire  at  the  Herald's  College,  where,  I  dare  say, 

*  Garter  Principal  King  at  Arms,'  Sir  Isaac  Heard, 
Knt.  has  done  me  the   justice  to  register  the  oc 
currence,     instead  of  Lions,  Bulls,  Boars,  Camels, 
Elephants,  and  such  insignificant  animalcule,  my 
shield  is  decorated  with  insignia  more  appropriate 
to  my  great  pretensions.     On  the  left  are  seen 
broken  carboys  couchant,  implying  that  the  secrets 
of  science  lie  prostrate  before  me.     On  the  right 
are  fumes  rampant,  indicative  of  my  discoveries, 
xvhic|p»*oar  above  those  of  all  other  pretenders.    In 
the  center  are  nine  hedgehogs,  with  quills,  stick- 
ant  *  an  happy  emblem  of  my  peaceable  disposition. 

My  moito,  which  I  trust  bir  Isaac  has  also  re 
gistered,  is  worthy  of  notice.  Dr.  Darwin  was 
much  pleased  with  it,  and,  desirous  to  emulate  my 
fame  in  the  art  of  motto-making,  m^de  c  OAINIA  E 
GONCHIS.'  But  your  Worships  will  perceive  that 
the  Doctor's  motto  bears  no  comparison  with  mine, 
in  point  of  erudition,  as  I  prove  myself  versed  in 


180 

With  seal prum  scrape  off  epidermis 
And  cuticle  (I  think  the  term  is) ; 


three  languages,  whereas  he  can  boast  of  only  one. 
Here  it  conies. 


O    ctvS-gufc;, 

Lacessit  never  me  impune  !  1 

This,  my  beautiful  and  appropriate  motto,  for  the 
sake  of  accommodating  those  among  your  Wor 
ships,  who  are  not  versed  in  the  lore  of  Greece 
and  Rome,  and  cannot  afford  to  subsidise  men  of 
erudition  to  officiate  for  you  in  that  department  of 
science,  I  shall  render  into  our  vernacular  idiom, 
as  follows: 

If  I'm  attack'd  by  nsan  or  trollop 
I'll  dose  the  knave  with  drastic  jalap. 

Lest  the  more  critical  and  polite  reader  should 
complain,  thai  in  order  to  let  myself  down  to  the 
level  of  your  Worshipful  capacities,  I  have  angli 
cised  my  sublime  motto  in  too  vulgar  and-  collo 
quial  a  sUle,  I  shall  take  the  liberty,  politely,  to  pa- 
rodise  thereon,  and,  as  Lord  Bucon  says,  *  to  bring 
4  it  home  to  men's  business  and  bosoms,'  that  is, 
to  make  the  application  to  that  particular  kind  of 
gentry,  against  whom  my  hedgehog  quills,  afore 
said,  are  pointed  in  terrorcm. 

Lndies  and  Gentlemen,  REVIEWERS! 
You  are  a  set  of  mischitf  brewtrs; 
A  gttiig  of  scandalous  backbiters, 
Who  fca^t  on  uiij  poor  murcler'd  writers. 


181 

And  all  the  nerves  and  muscles  various, 
Because,  say  you,  their  bones  are  carious. 

With  antimonials  make  'em  sweat  away  ; 
Cram  each  snout  full  of  assafcetida : 


Now  if  you  dare  to  throw  the  gauntlet, 

I  tell  you  honestly  I  sha'n't  let 

Your  impuclencies,  with  impunity, 

Impose  in  future  on  community. 

If  you  dare  say  that  greater  wit 

Than  Doctor  Caustic  ever  writ ; 

If  you  dare  venture  to  suggest 

His  every  word  is  not  the  best ; 

If  you  dare  hint  that  Caustic's  noddle 

Is  not  improv'd  from  Homer's  model; 

If  you  dare  think  he  has  not  treble 

The  inspiration  of  a  Sybil ; 

If  you  don't  seem  to  take  delight 

In  puffing  him  with  all  your  might; 

If  you  don't  coin  for  him  some  proper  lies 

•To  circulate  through  this  Metropolis, 

To  give  eclat  to  this  edition 

Of  his  Poetical  Petition  ; 

If  you  don't  sing  the  same  tune  o'er 

Which  he  himself  has  sung  before, 

4  Ancients  and  moderns,  altogether, 

*  Are  but  the  shadow  of  a  feather, 
4  Compar'd  with  Caustic,  even  as 

*  A  puff  of  hydrogenous  gas, 
He'll  hurl  ye'to  old  Davy's  grotto* 
As  you'll  imagine  from  his  motto. 

T 


182 

Then  tell  them,  if  they'll  not  be  vicious, 
You'll  give  them  castor  oil,  delicious. 

Dash  at  them  nitrate,  hight  argentum, 
And  tell  them,  though  it  does  torment  'em, 
That  papists  say  that  purgatory 
Is  but  a  passport  into  glory. 

Just  so,  old  Satan  was  quite  merry,  IX5 
When  erst,  in  Heaven,  he  rais'd  old  Harry; 


TI5  Just  so,  old  Satan,  was  quite  merry,  Sec; 

So  said  Milton,  '  Paradise  Lost,  B.  vi.  where 
the  hero  of  the  poem  (whom  I  would  propose  as 
a  model  for  your  Worships'  imitation  on  all  occa 
sions)  together  with  his  merry  companions  '  in 
'  gamesome  mood  stand  scoffing,'  and  '  quips, 
cranks,'  powder,  grape  shot,  puns,  blunderbuss, 
jokes,  and  cannon-balls,  flash,  roar,  and  bellow  in 
concert. 

But  I  am  sure  that  every  candid  critic  will  be 
disposed  to  acknowledge  that  neither  Homer  nor 
Milton  ever  described  a  battle,  fraught  \\ith  such 
sublime  images  and  similes,  as  this  in  which  we 
are  so  desperately  engaged. 

Your  Worships  will,  however,  defer  any  taunts, 
gibes,  sneers,  &c.  till  you  are  sure  oi  victory- 
Then  you  will  please  to  force  them  to  swallow  the 
pills  of  your  raillery,  steepexl  in  the  aquafortis  ol 


183 

With  jokes  and  cannon,  in  terrorem, 
He  march' d  and  drove  'em  all  before  him. 

Stick  your  keen  penetrating  probes 
Through  right  and  left  hepatic  lobes; 
Although  you  pierce  the  diaphragm, 
You  need  not  care  a  single  damn. 

So  Indians,  when  a  captive's  taken, 
And  they  resolve  to  fry  his  bacon, 
Their  savage  torture  to  refine, 
First  stick  him  full  of  splinter'd  pine. 

In  fine,  your  worships  will  contrive 
To  leave  not  one  vile  wretch  alive, 

Except  those  dirty  sons  of 

Whom  nature  meant  to  dig  in  ditciies. 


e 


adversity,  that  others  may -be  deterred  by  their 
exemplary  fate,  from  infringing  on  our  privileges, 
dignities,  and  immunities. 

There  can  be  nothing  unmanly  or  improper  in 
triumphing  over  a  fallen  enemy.  For  thus  did 
Achilles  insult  Hector,  Patroclus  Sarpedon,  and  so 
will  Dr.  Caustic  serve  Perkins,  when  he  has  him 
fairlv  under  foot. 


184 

But  all  who  would  not  make  most  topping 
Fellows  to  work  in  docks  at  Wapping, 
Some  way  or  other,  Sirs,  I'd  have  ye 
Give  a  quick  passport  to  old  Davy. 

But  if  with  all  this  blood  and  thunder, 
The  stubborn  blockheads  won't  knock  under, 
And  e'en  old  women  bravely  wield 
Their  jordans  like  Achilles'  shield  ; 

No  more  with  these  our  weapons  dabble, 
But  raise  a  Lord-George-Gordon  rabble  ; 
Pour  on  the  rogues,  that  they  be  undone, 
The  whole  mobocracy  of  London  ! 

Come  on,  brave  fellows,  quick  surround  'em  j 
With  canes  und  cudgels  punch  and  pound  'em 
Brick-bats  and  broom-sticks,  all  together, 
Like  coblers  hammering  sides  of  leather. 

Brave  Belcher,  Lee,  Mendoza,  Bourke, 
Let  loose  your  fists  in  this  great  work ! 


185 

Here's  fine  amusement  for  your  paws, 
Without  the  dread  of  police  laws. 

Let  not  one  Perkinite  be  found 
Encumbering  our  British  ground ; 
But  keep  on  pelting,  hanging,  mauling, 
Until  .old  Beelzy's  den  they're  all  in. 

And  Fll  be  there  and  blow  war's  trumpet; 
Or  with  Death's  kettle-drum  I'll  thump  it, 
Till  all's  '  confusion,  worse  confounded,' 
Than  e'er  in  Milton's  hell  abounded. 

Thus,  when  the  Spartans  were  in  trouble, 
Tyrtctus  help'd  them  through  their  hobble, 
By  singing  songs,  to  raise  their  courage, 
All  piping  hot,  as  pepper-porridge. 


These  are  the  methods  of  '  dead  doing,' 
By  which  we'll  work  the  wizard's  ruin; 
And  when  with  Satan  all  such  trash  is, 

We'll  rise,  like  Phoenix,  on  its  ashes. 
T  2 


186 

Now,  Sirs,  consent  to  my  PETITION, 
And  send  these  varlets  to  perdition; 
So  for  your  weal  and  welfare,  post  hie, 
Will  ever  pray — 

CHRISTOPHER  CAUSTIC, 


ADDITIONAL  NOTES 
TO  THIS  AMERICAN  EDITION. 

(a)  page  20.  —The  interview  with  the  Board  of  Longitude, 
adverted  to  in  this  Note,  there  is  reason  to  believe  is  substan 
tially  true.  Mr.  S—  •  —  ,  the  unsuccessful  applicant,  could  not? 
after  the  insult  he  received,  by  that  pitiful  offer  of  remunera 
tion,  be  prevailed  upon  to  reconstruct  his  instrument. 

Our  poor  countryman  CHURCHMAN  also,  whose  laborious  life 
has  been  spent  in  the  pursuit  of  discoveries  relative  to  the  Lon 
gitude,  and  whose  investigations  have  been  amply  successful  to 
merit  the  liberal  protection  of  an  institution,  established  with 
the  professed  views  of  the  present  one,  can  attest  how  far  a  poor 
but  meritorious  artist  may  confide  in  the  liberality  of  either  the 
Board  of  Longitude,  or  the  gentlemen  of  the  Trinity  House. 

The  Salary  of  the  Clerkship  of  the  Pells,  alluded  to  in  the 
latter  part  of  the  Note,  which  Mr.  ADDINGTON,  the  Premier, 
gave  to  bis  oivn  son,  a  child  eleven  years  old,  is  about  seven 
thousand  pounds  sterling  per  annum.  The  duties  of  this  office 
are  necessarily  transacted  by  a  nurse,  who  probably  is  rewarded 
by  our  young  master  with  as  liberal  wages  as  many  of  the  Cu 
rates  of  England  receive.  They  for  forty  pounds  per  annum. 
discharge  the  duty  of  the  Rector,  whose  tithes  amount  to 
three  or  four  thousand,  which  he  often  most  graciously  conde 
scends  to  bestow  in  running  the  race  of  —  not  a  Christian,  but,  a 
fox  or  a  stag,  and  another  species  of  races  at  New-Market. 
The  Clerkship  of  the  Pells,  until  Mr.  Addington  discovered 
otherwise,  was  always  considered  as  justly  belonging  to  some 
meritorious  but  worn-out  and  unrequited  servant  of  the  country. 


age  25.  —  In  England  the  point  of  this  would  have  beea 
sufficiently  evident  by  the  mere  emphasis  on  "  Scotland"  which 
the  italicising  of  the  word  imports  ;  but  as  in  America  it  is  not 
generally  known  that  for  twelve  pounds  two  shillings  and  six 
pence,  sterling,  any  creature  can  obtain  in  the  Universities  of 
Aberdeen  and  St.  Andrews  a  diploma,  which  will  dignify  the 
possessor  with  a  Doctor's  Degree  in  Divinity,  Law,  or  Physic, 
there  would  have  been  a  wonder  how  that  wiseacre,  Dr.  AN 
DERSON,  came  by  his.  These  appendages  to  the  names  of  a 
candidate  in  the  trade  of  authorship,  or  in  either  of  the  pro- 


188 


fessions,  are  as  necessary,  in  order  to  insure  him  success,  as 
well  as  respect,  in  Europe,  as  tails  to  a  Bashaw  in  Asia,  and  in 
both  cases  the  degree  of  dignity  supported,  and  respect  claimed, 
is  regulated  alike  by  the  number  of  each. 

A  few  years  since,  several  Oxonians,  who  had  beheld  with  an 
unkind  aspect  the  inundation  of  these  titled  candidates  for  em 
ploy  in  all  the  professions,  without  the  sacrifice  of  any  of  the 
study,  time  and  expence,  which  are  required  of  the  students 
in  the  English  universities,  previous  to  the  attainment  of  these 
insignia  of  merit,  clubbed,  and  raised  a  sum  sufficient  to  pay 
for  three  diplomas.  Three  of  the  long  eared  species  of  ani 
mals,  vulgarly  yclept  JACKASSES,  were  then  procured,  and  ap 
propriate  names  given  to  each,  as  the  Rev.  Mr.  Bray,  Dr.  Ear 
and  'Squire  Sulkey.  The  CASH,  accompanied  by  a  recommen 
dation  of  these  three  distinguished  characters,  attested  by  the 
party  in  the  joke,  was  transmitted  to  the  then  Principal  of 
Aberdeen  University,  and  on  the  return  of  the  mail,  the  three 
candidates  were  each  raised  in  Law,  Physic  and  Divinity,  to  a 
rank  with  Dr.  ANDERSON. 

It  may  perhaps  be  useful  however  to  add,  for  the  informa 
tion  of  any  of  our  countrymen,  who  may  pant  for  the  posses 
sion  of  these  academic  honors,  in  order  to-be  on  a  par  with 
the  aforesaid  Jackasses  and  Dr.  Anderson,  that  a  recent  addi 
tional  duty  in  England  upon  stamps,  and  on  the  postage  of  let 
ters,  will  require  them  to  remit  as  much  as  two  shillings  and 
some  odd  pence  over  the  twelve  pounds  two  shillings  and  sixpence, 
a  circumstance,  certainly  much  to  be  regretted. 

(0  PaSe  29- — The  satire  in  these  lines,  whether  it  aims  at  the 
very  ridiculous  deference  paid  to  a  certain  class  of  the  Escula. 
pian  fraternity,  whom  I  shall  term  HYDROGNOSTICS,  but  whom 
the  reader  may,  if  he  please,  call  "  water-doctors,"  or  at  the 
abuse  of  the  privilege  of  franking,  in  England,  is  perhaps  as  well 
founded  as  any  other  in  the  poem. 

Besides  the  famous  Dr.  MAYGXSBACK  here  alluded  to,  who 
resides  in  London,  there  is  another  still  more  celebrated  in 
Northamptonshire,  who  can  scarcely  write  his  own  name,  but 
who  has  already  amassed  a  large  fortune  by  practice  In  tLis  line. 
Scarcely  a  post  arrives  which  docs  not  bring  to  these  "  Doctors1 


189 


many  bottles  for  examination,  and  as  no  case  is  entered  upon 
without  that  necessary  preamble,  a  golden  fee,  the  money  col 
lected  is  almost  incredible. 

The  abuse  of  the  privilege  of  fronting,  so  common  among  the 
heads  of  the  departments,  and  those  who,  ex  cfficio,  have  the 
right  of  conveying  by  post  a  packet  of  almost  any  size,  had 
like  to  have  met  with  a  serious  and  effectual  interruption,  a 
few  years  since,  if  the  following  story  related  respecting  the 
affair  can  be  depended  upon. 

An  extraordinary  Lusus  Natura  of  the  human  species  having 
occurred  at  Plymouth,  the  obstetric  gentleman,  into  whose  hands 
it  fell,  resolved  to  make  a  present  of  it  to  the  Museum  of  an 
eminent  anatomical  professor  in  London.  No  immediate  con 
veyance  for  it  presenting,  the  commissioner  of  the  Dock- Yard 
kindly  undertook  to  relieve  his  embarrassment,  by  franking  it 
up  by  post.  For  this  purpose  the  child  was  made  up  into  a  par 
cel  or  packet  (not  a  very  small  one  to  be  sure)  and  directed  for 
London.  The  weather  growing  warmer  than  was  anticipated, 
our  cafut  moriuum  arrived  at  the  General  Post-Office  in  a  con 
dition  rather  resembling  a  cafut  vividum,  for  it  soon  produced 
a  very  lively  effect  on  the  olfactory  nerves  of  all  the  clerks  of 
the  Post-Office.  The  Inspector  of  Franks,  suspecting/o«/  play, 
deemed  it  his  duty  to  examine  the  contents  of  the  parcel,  when 
there  was  presented  to  the  alarmed  and  astonished  eyes  of  all 
around,  a  being  of  which  they  affirmed  there  did  not  exist  the 
likeness  either  in  Heaven  above  or  on  the  Earth  beneath.  Some 
fled  from  alarm  and  some  from  stench,  till  the  apartment  was 
entirely  deserted,  except  by  old  Jowler,  a  large  mastiff  that 
was  kept  as  a  guard  to  the  office.  Attracted  by  the  scent,  Jow- 
ler  soon  satisfied  himself  that  the  commodity,  so  savory  to  bis 
smell,  was  nothing  more  nor  less  than  a  nice  piece  of  dog's- 
meat,  and  of  consequence  was,  ban  a  fde,  his  property,  so  he 
quietly  took  it  up  in  his  mouth,  and  marched  off  with  it  for 
his  breakfast. 

An  action  was  afterwards  brought  against  the  Fost-Office  for 
the  loss  of  the  article  in  question,  but  as  it  wag  called  a  clild  in 
the  declaration,  it  was  successfully  pleaded  in  reply  that  as  a 
ebilJ,  it  could  not  be  considered  in  any  other  light  than  a  stage 
passenger,  and  as  the  stage  coach  and  not  the  letter-bag  was  es 
tablished  for  the  accommodation  and  conveyance  of  pjisengerj. 


190 

the  plaintiff  was  in  fault  for  not  sending  the  said  passenger  with 
other  passengers  in  the  stage.  This  defence  was  irresistible 
and  the  plaintiff,  to  his  sore  displeasure,  was  nonsuited. 

(<f)  page  37 — The  DUKE  OF  QUEENSBURY,  whose  sins,  on  the 
crim.  con.  list,  like  his  age,  amount  to  above  fourscore  and  ten. 

(«•)  page  57. — For  the  art  here  alluded  to,  see  Pope's  Dunci- 
ad,  Book  III.  where  several  of  the  hero's  of  that  poem  are 
made  to  plunge  for  the  prize  into  Fleet  Ditch,  a  large  sewer  or 
drain,  in  the  centre  of  JLondon,  which  receives  the  contents  of 
about  a  dozen  slaughter  houses,  half  as  many  markets,  includ 
ing  Smithfield,  and  a  very  plentiful  supply  of  certain  other 
enriching  streams,  which  are  said  to  reader  the  Thames  water 
superior  to  any  other  in  the  world. 

'  Not  so  bold  ANALL  ;  with  a  weight  of  skull, 

*  Furious  he  dives,  precipitately  dull  ; 

«  Whirlpools  and  storms  his  circling  arms  invest, 

*  With  all  the  weight  of  gravitation  blest,"  &c.  &c- 

(/)  Pa&  59  —The  Institution  here  alluded  to,  although  its 
acts  are  often  dwelt  upon  in  the  Poem,  is  in  no  place  sufficiently 
explained  to  enable  the  American  reader  fully  to  comprehend 
its  nature. — A  short  history  of  it,  therefore  may  not  be  unac 
ceptable. 

Several  philanthropic  characters  in  London,  chiefly  those  who 
had  purchased  the  Tractors,  conceiving  that  the  discovery  of 
Perkinism  merited  the  patronage  of  an  establishment,  like  that 
of  the  discovery  of  the  Cow  Pox,  announced  such  an  intention 
in  the  newspapers,  and,  at  the  same  time,  called  a  public 
meeting  to  take  the  proposed  measure  into  consideration.  Here 
the  undertaking  was  unanimously  resolved  upon,  and  a  sub 
scription  opened  to  carry  the  proposed  charity  into  effect.  The 
list  was  soon  honored  with  above  an  hundred  subscribers,  seve 
ral  with  a  donation  of  ten,  and  none,  excepting  one  or  two,  less 
than  one  guinea  for  annual  subscription,  LORD  RIVERS  was 
elected  President  of  the  Society,  and  eleven  other  persons  of 
distinction,  among  whom  will  be  found  GOVERNOR  FRANKUN, 
eon  of  Dr.  FRANKLIN,  compose  the,  list  of  Vice-Presidents. 


191 


On  the  25th  of  July  last  (1803)  a  large  house  was  opened  in 
Frith-street,  Soho-Square,  for  the  reception  of  patients,  and  in 
which  the  Medical  attendant,  the  matron  and  servants  con 
stantly  reside. 

The  objects  of  this  establishment  are  stated  by  the  Society, 
in  their  publication  on  the  subject,  as  follows  : 

*  ist.  To  afford  relief  to  the  disorders  of  the  afflicted  and  in- 
!  dustrious  poor  of  the  metropolis,  if  the  remedy  should  be 
'  found  capable  of  that  desirable  purpose  ;  and 

'  ;dly.  To  submit  the  long  controverted  question  on  the  mer- 
1  its  of  the  Metallic  Tractors  to  the  test  of  the  severest  scru- 
'  tiny,  the  ordeal  of  experiment,  by  disinterested  persons,  and 
«  thereby  enable  the  public  to  form  a  correct  opinion  on  the  just 
c  pretensions  of  Perkinism.' 

As  one  of  the  articles,  among  the  rules  and  regulations  for 
the  government  of  the  Society,  directs  the  committee  to  report, 
after  a  suitable  time,  the  result  of  the  undertaking,  there  was 
published  by  them  in  February  last,  a  book,  entitled  "  The 
'Transactions  of  the  Perkinean  Society,  consisting  of  a  Report  on  tic 
Practice  iv;th  the  Metallic  Tractors,  at  the  Institution  in  Fritb- 
street,  and  Experiments  communicated  by  several  co, •  respondents. 
Published  by  order  of  the  Committee." 

This  "  REPORT"  is  highly  creditable  to  the  Aletallic  Prac 
tice.  It  states  that  "  The  Books  of  the  Institution,  in  which 
every  case  is  registered,  both  favorable  and  unfavorable,  will 
shew  that  nine  tenths  of  the  patients  have  been  either  cured  or 
materially  relieved."  Among  other  cases  adduced  in  this  report, 
are  two  of  restoration  of  sight. 

The  Report  concludes  by  expressing  'The  satisfaction  the 
<  Committee  would  feel,  should  the  wisdom  of  the  British  Par- 
*  liamei;t  see  fit  to  investigate  the  merits  of  Perkinism,  and,  if 
«  convinced  of  its  utility,  honor  it  with  similar  patronage,  to 
«  Other  modern  discoveries  for  the  benefit  of  mankind.' 

Or)  PaSe  9°  — If  rhyme  or  reason  could  avail  any  thing  against 
this  barbarous ,  brutal,  foolish  and  destructive  practice,  no  ra 
tional  mind,  it  is  believed,  would  censure  the  attempt  however 
unpleasant  the  mode  may  be  to  the  parties,  or  the  friends  of 
the  parties  concerned. 


192 


In  the  present  instance  much  complaint  was  raised  in  London, 
by  the  friends  of  the  two  combatants,  against  these  stanzas,  as 
reflecting  on  the  honorable  personages  concerned.  If  men  will 
be  so  superlatively  foolish,  as  well  as  wicked,  however  exalted 
their  stations  in  life,  ought  any  person,  who  respects  the  well- 
being  of  society,  to  be  ashamed  of  an  act  which  assists  to  make 
this  vice  "  a  fixed  figure  for  the  time  of  scorn  to  point  his  slow 
unmoving  finger  at  ?"  The  duel  in  question,  has  scarcely  its 
parallel  for  absurdity  in  its  cause  and  disaster  in  its  consequence. 
A  dog,  belonging  to  Col.  MONTGOMERY'S  kept  mistress,  quar 
relled  in  the  Park,  with  another  dog,  belonging  to  Capt.  MAC- 
NAMARA.  The  Captain's  dog  proving  too  strong  for  his  anta 
gonist,  necessarily  (1  speak  as  a  man  of  bone?}  raised  in  the  mar 
tial  bosom  of  the  Colonel  a  feeling  which  could  not  be  allayed, 
consistently  with  the  preservation  of  his  dignity  among  gentle 
men,  without  challenging  the  owner  of  the  victorious  dog  to 
meet  him,  the  champion  of  his  kept  mistress's  dog,  before  the 
setting  of  the  sun,  otherwise  to  be  proclaimed  a  coward  and  no 
gentleman.  Macnamara,  a  Post-Captain  in  the  Navy,  necessarily 
accepted  the  challenge.  On  the  first  fire,  the  Colonel  was  kill 
ed  upon  the  spot,  and  the  Captain  also  received  a  wound, 
which,  while  it  will  maim  him  during  life,  will  assist  him,  in  the 
cool  moments  of  reflection,  (if  such  moments  are  not  incon 
sistent  with  a  man  of  honor}  to  feel  whether  it  were  really 
manly  to  take  away  the  life  of  a  fellow  creature,  and  wise  to 
hazard  his  own  in  so  despicable  a  cause. 

Col.  MONTGOMERY  was  brother  to  the  MARCHIONESS  of 
TOWN  SEND,  and  otherwise  connected  with  the  first  families  in 
the  kingdom.  Capt.  MACNAMARA,  also,  belonged  to  a  family 
of  distinction.  As  there  are  in  England  great  numbers,  who 
know  of  no  other  laws  of  honor  than  such  as  they  see  adopted 
by  the  great,  and  whom  they  ape  in  all  their  movements,  such 
examples  have  a  four-fold  influence.  There  were  consequent 
ly,  notwithstanding  the  fatal  issue  of  this  combat,  more  duels, 
and  at  the  same  place  (Chalk  Farm)  within  the  few  weeks  fol 
lowing,  than  had  taken  place  for  many  months  before. 

THE  END. 


SOUfHWICK  & 


Fa  7*i 


